The fear in me

Nay

I'm, sitting in the front row and I'm torn back and forth between sadness and wrath.

Jason won't look at me and I have no idea why, and Tim is a real arsehole.

He gave Jason a bad start and taunts him as much as he can. Does he think I like that? Right now I need a good friend and he is simply too caustic. We even had a totally unnecessary quarrel. I told him I don't like the way he's treating Jason and he said Jason doesn't need a baby-sitter. That reminded me of Jason's words and I got mad at him. I told Tim I can't put up with his jealous carrying on. He answered that he feels I'm pushing him away. I told him that's not true and that he has really gone overboard in his reaction and that I'm just trying to help. To that he said he'd like to go out with me this evening on a real date to prove his feelings for me. And I said I didn't like the idea. And so then he goes angry and pushed off with the words, "Okay, so it's no!"

If somebody were now to ask me, I haven't got a clue what Frau Marschall is talking about. Everything goes in one ear and out of the other. I hope she won't question me.

I'm lucky. Normally I concentrate well and it's seems to be okay that today I didn't join in the lesson so actively.

When at last the bell rings I'm relieved. It's the midday break and everybody makes for the cafeteria. Jason goes out and I follow him. It's clear that he wants to be alone again.

He didn't talk to anybody and nobody talked to him. Probably it's what he wants, to be alone now. But that's not how it should be. He didn't send me out when his school file was being discussed, so he must trust me, mustn't he?

I sneak behind Jason and see that he sits down on a bench under a tree. He's definitely sweating. He's so warmly dressed up that I'm surprised there are no sweat patches on his sweatshirt, and I sit down next to him. He looks at me. "I'm sorry Tim was so mean, normally he's not like that!" I say. No answer.

"I understand that the day hasn't been going terribly well for you, but believe me, everything will turn out all right," I keep talking. Still silence.

I sigh. "Have you got any questions? Is there something you have to know? I could come over later and do my homework with you?" "No!" he says abruptly, and I wince from shock.

"But ..." I begin.

"No, I said no. I don't need pity .. from anyone ... and especially not from you!" he says acidly and his coal eyes spark at me. Then he leaves me and walks off angrily.

I'm in shock. What makes him think I pity him? I pity myself more. Because he doesn't know he's already touched me and that then he didn't shrink bank. How can I get him to know that I really like him ... more than that, that he's driving me out of my mind?

Tears come to my eyes and I try to suppress them. I can't grasp how much that fellow gets to me. I break out crying and that's how Tanja eventually finds me.

"Hey, Nay. I don't know you like this. What's the matter?" she asks with empathy, and takes me on her arm.

"It's all so ... so rotten!" I sniffle.

"Rotten! What's rotten?"

And then I tell her. Well, not everything, but at least the strange feelings I have for Jason and that he doesn't requite them, and that I kissed Jason while he was lying in a half-coma.

"Wow, that's ... well ... that's ... I don't know either! So you in fact assaulted him while he was sleeping?"

"No, not assaulted ... or maybe yes ..." I blush.

"Nay! Wow! I hardly recognise you. The boy seems really to have turned you on. Well, if you ask me, an extremely unfavourable moment, because Tim has at last noticed that he wants to go a step further ... believe me, a totally surprising change of direction. I mean, if you think how long you've been waiting for him." She shakes her head in disbelief and I start sobbing again. "Jason hates me!" I whine.

"Rubbish, nobody could hate you. I think you're just making him scared. Who knows what he's been through."

I nod and think of the conversation I overheard. And then I sigh and tell Tanja about it.

"Once again ... wow ... Nay, what would have happened if they had caught you?"

"They didn't ..."

"It's not okay to eavesdrop on conversations even if you feel drawn to Jason ... but still I think it's good you know about it, because everyone needs friends. His fears of being touched are really extreme, that screams of some trauma of the soul!"

"A phobia ... that's no longer fear. Remember how shocked his reaction was just because we fell on him." I wipe away my tears. "I'm going to help him!" I say resolutely.

"Step back a bit for a while, give him time and don't pressure him," Tanja suggests.

"It's okay for you to talk, you don't live next to him. I see him every day and I have such a yearning for him that it's a malaise. Whenever I see him I want to go straight over to him and take him in my arms ..." I confess further.

"Then draw your curtains and occupy yourself for a while with other things. Give him time, he'll come to you if he needs something!"

"You see, that's just what I don't believe. I think he's glad when he's left alone. Somehow that's even what he's aiming at. But that's not right. How can I prove to him that he can trust me if I don't see him and I'm not allowed to talk with him?"

"Nay, believe me, I think if anyone can do it, it's you," Tanja interrupts me. "As far as I can see Jason is just overwhelmed by his feelings but he can't handle that at all!" Tanja gives me a handkerchief because I'm shedding tears again.

"Oh yeah, and what brings you to that supposition?" I ask and snuffle into the handkerchief.

She laughs. "Intuition! Oh yes, and I've got eyes in my head when it seems that others are completely blind ..." She looks at me , rolling her eyes and grinning broadly. I'm speechless and confused.

She laughs again and sighs aloud. " Jason looked happy when you brought him to the cinema, well yes, till Tim showed up. Tim was jealous straight away and not without reason. Jason and you quite fancied each other and everybody picked that up. Jason is clearly attracted to you, but seems not to admit that to himself."

"Do you think so?" I ask in disbelief.

"Yes ... and I'm certain he knew he was kissing you because he dreams only of you!"

"The way you put it, it all sounds great!" I sigh.

"Hey, who's always telling me to see things in a positive light?"

I laugh and look at my watch. "Okay, you've caught me. Come on, we have to go to the lesson!"

"Don't you want to go to the toilet first? You look a bit tattered ..."

I nod and in the toilet I try my best not to look so swollen from crying. If Tanja's right there's still hope – and I want to use it. And so we go back to class.