The fear in me

Nay

When I crept out of Jason's house late in the afternoon I had butterflies in my stomach. I can't believe I've fallen head over heels in love. But that's just how it is. He conquered my heart by storm. Never has anyone answered me so honestly. What sort of life must he have led? He must have been so desperate. How can somebody bear it for so long with no tenderness? No embracing, no goodnight kisses, no handshaking ... nothing at all! That's cruel.

He's happy that he can touch me and for my part I can't get enough of him.

Would he touch other women if he could? That thought makes me lose my head. Why do I have to finish such an incredibly beautiful day with such an idiotic thought?

No, Jason is unique, and I'm sure that he would never purposely hurt me. So I put the thought far away from me and think of Jason's hands on my body. I have to smile again.

"Nay!" A call makes me listen closely, and I turn around. On the landing in front of our house Tim is sitting. Shit! What am I supposed to say now? Do I look all crumpled? Are my lips swollen from Jason's kisses?

"Nay, how's Jason?" Tim asks and eyes me down. For a long time!

"Ah well ... I think he's a bit better!"

"Aha! I waited for you and had to apologise for you everywhere. Were you with him the whole time?"

"Ahem ... yes, I think so!"

"Well well, so you think he's doing better and you think you were with him? But you don't know for sure? Is that it?"

I sigh. "No ... that's not it ..."

"So how is it, Nay?" he interrupts me. Now he looks offended. "Did you help him to get over his FEARS OF BEING TOUCHED?" I don't know what to say and look down in embarrassment.

"Do you still want to tell me you've got no interest in that guy?" he asks bitterly. "Was he sick at all? I'll bet he wasn't. And he straight away exploited your helpfulness, when I look at you. Was it lovely, eh? Did he kiss well?"

It sounds so much like an accusation and he has no right to say such things. My head shoots up and suddenly I'm full of anger. "Tim, stop talking like that. You've got no idea what's going on!" "Oh yes I do!" he snorts. "He's the greatest actor of all time and pretends to be vulnerable, and you fall for it. Nay, he's playing with you. He's putting on an act and you ... you're so blind! I could shake you if that would help a little."

"Tim, you've got it all wrong. "Jason is honest, more honest than anyone I know ..." I begin.

"Oh man! Nay, listen to what you're saying. When he's got what he wants he'll drop you like a hot potato ... that's what boys are like!"

"Are you talking about yourself?" I ask loudly and rather angrily. "Is that what you do with girls?"

"Rubbish!"

"Is it really rubbish? How many girls have you dropped? You've got no right to talk like that. I've never seen you with one for more than a week, then it was the next one's turn. So please don't draw conclusions about Jason from yourself!"

"But I never loved the other girls. I've always been interested only in you."

"Ah, and that's makes it all better?" I ask him.

"I thought you didn't want me ... they were only a distraction," he says quietly.

"Damn it, if you'd been honest we might have become a pair, but you were not honest ..."