The fear in me

Jason

"Nay," I whisper again and again and hold her tight in my arms. I don't care that we're not alone. I just have to hold her and show her how much I love her.

"You're alive!" she whispers relieved.

"Yes, everything's okay! You saved me!"

"I saved you?" she whispers incredulously.

"Yes, you saved me!" I confirm and explain, "You hung on to me like an anchor. It felt as if I was in a whirlpool. Except that my body wasn't rotating in the whirlpool, but the whirlpool was occurring in my body. It's too incredible to be described ... you held onto the good in your heart and Rafael sucked out everything else. It was so liberating. It felt as if you had linked my heart and my soul to yours and for a short time both of us were transformed into your body just to protect them from Rafael. I remembered my seven-year-old self. How helpless I was then when Rafael sucked me out. When my father came on the scene he interrupted Rafael and by mistake Rafael transferred to me his lethal gift. It was a recoil. First he was sucking, then breathing out. I also breathed in and in doing so I took away from him his gifts. The lethal gift was the dominant one – and because I had not willingly taken it, the way a taker really does, the lethal gift got mixed in with Rafael's collected gifts and coalesced like a lump in me.

"The lethal gift virtually wrapped itself around the other gifts and could not be gotten rid of. That's how I became an angel of death and Rafael lost all his gifts except his original one. When just now Rafael sucked me out he drew out not only the gifts I had amassed in recent days, but also the lump with the gifts he had once owned, and that was simply too much for him. I felt that he was overburdened and fervently hoped somebody could exploit that situation. I was powerless and could not defend myself from Rafael's gift of hypnotism.

"I knew there was only one chance to break free of that. He had to die. In the meantime you had firmly held onto everything good in your heart, and before you let me go you had given everything back to me.

"It was so marvellously beautiful and intimate. I was able to look into the depths of your soul and I felt your love. It was so wonderful that I never want to feel anything thing else again.

When Rafael died it was as though I had been freed of a virus. I was overwhelmed by the freedom surrounding me, my muscles were unable to move, as after a long illness ... I was waiting for my powers to gather and I started to have a monologue with myself. It was once clear to me how much I love you! You are my saviour – and my life without fear!"

I hear an exaggerated sighing, that could only have come from Lukas, and I have to smile inwardly.

"I love you too!" sighs Nay, and she kisses me passionately.

"Ahem!" somebody finally clears his throat and I know immediately that it's Tim.

Nay shrinks back and blushes. I look around me and see that Sam's laughing and my father's grinning. There's no doubt he is my father. I'd have recognised him everywhere. He never gave me up. And I'm relieved. It's all over!

But then my glance falls on Lukas and I know it's not yet completely over. There are still four angels of death here who can still kill. It's good they know they don't have to kill HA's to stay alive.

Nevertheless the life of an AD isn't exactly wonderful. I remember only too well the time before Nay in which I allowed no contact. That was ghastly. Lukas has become my friend and I wish so much that I could help him. My father looks at me and seems to know what I'm thinking, for he says: "We'll find something!" He sounds hopeful.

"You're no longer an AD!" Lukas remarks with a laugh and he's honestly pleased for me.

"No!" I answer in relief. "I feel good! Very good."

Lukas grins and then he comes nearer and takes me in his arms. "Wonderful," he says. "It's wonderful you've done it. You'll be happy with Nay at your side ... you'll have dozens of babies and I hope they'll all be healers ... so that I can at least hold them." He sighs loudly.

I'm overwhelmed by what Lukas says. I haven't the faintest notion what will happen now to Nay and me. Nay's a healer. I'm a HA, I'll live a very long time, as can be seen in my father. But before I can think it all through Nay rushes to Lukas and me and embraces us. Both of us.

Lukas laughs, and it's a warm, satisfied laugh. We'll remain friends, I'm convinced of that. As if in confirmation Lukas takes my hand and Nay takes my other one, and spontaneously Nay takes Lukas's hand and completes our circle. We smile at each other. A happy ending can't be lovelier that what I'm feeling right now.

"Wow!" says Lukas. "You two have incredible energy in you. I can feel it. It's really tingling. It feels incredibly good ... so ... liberating ... ohhh," and with that oh he collapses. And my happy ending also smashes into 1,000 tiny pieces.

Nay has turned pale and shakes her head. Around us the conversations have ebbed.

"Lukas!" I whisper, and bend down to him.

"Wow!" I hear him say, and a load falls from my shoulders. Lukas stands up and looks at me. My breathing stops when I see his iris – there's no longer a black ring there! It's disappeared ... that can mean only one thing, can't it? "Lukas, take hold of Tim!" I order without thinking.

"Whoa! I know you can't stand me, but isn't it very stupid to have me killed in front of all the others?" yells Tim in a frenzy.

"Touch him!" I say again to Lukas. "Trust me!"

Nay and the others simply stand there and look at me as if I'd gone crazy.

Lukas goes without hesitation toward Tim, but Tim takes up a boxer's stance. "Don't come too close to me, freak! I can defend myself. I'll make ..."

Before Tim can finish speaking Lukas has grabbed both of his hands and holds him firmly. "Aaarg!" screams Tim. "Help, he's killing me ... I've no idea how often I'll still have to die before you see that all of these people here are mad, Nay!"

He bleats and bleats and seems not to notice that nothing at all is happening to him. Even when everybody in the room starts laughing it doesn't occur to Tim that Lukas has not killed him. No, he's no longer an AD ... and that can mean only one thing: Nay and I together are the salvation of the AD's.