The fear in me

Jason

My heart does a joyful leap when I hear what she says to me. There is no doubt about my feelings and so I answer her with certainty, "I love you a lot more." Grinning, she shakes her head and then she kisses me in self-surrender. It all feels as it should. But I nevertheless have to beware because I'm scared of frightening her if I go too far. Sometimes I can scarcely hold myself back from tearing the clothes off her body to feel her nakedness. But I don't do that. I want her to trust me and to feel good in herself. Even if her body seems to want more I know she has not yet reached that point. I sense her longing, but also her subliminal fear which she herself probably is not aware of.

I have to learn to read her. Thinking that I have to smile inwardly. Oh yes, she's my own love story ... sigh!

The next day starts off like the day before. I have no problems in class, Tim is worshipping Nay and half of the girls are worshipping me. In the main break, Nay and I decide to go out of the school. Away from the others. Since Nay has forgotten her lunch box in the classroom, she sets off quickly to fetch it. I head off for the bench we now call our bench.

There are a few blossoms on it and when I'm brushing them off I suddenly feel hands over my eyes and somebody sighs: "Guess who ..." Dina! Horror spreads in me and at first that makes me stand there as though rooted in the ground. I have no idea how long I stand like that, but suddenly the hands have gone and I hear a crash behind me. When I turn around Dina is lying on the ground.

I'm about to get panicky when Nay comes running. "She held my eyes closed!" I explain quickly. "I didn't know she was behind me ... there were blossoms ... I want to ... the bench ... oh man!" "Shsh!" Nay calms me down and bends her ear down to Dina. "Hell! She's no longer breathing. What should I do now?"

"Cure her!" I plead.

"Jason, she's not sick – she's dead!"

"Nay ..." I whisper in panic.

She looks at me in irritation and then she grabs Dina below the chest and shakes her head, "No heart beat! She's really dead!" I'm overcome with despair. "I'm a monster!" I whisper.

"Jason, it was an accident," Nay contradicts me. "Let's carry her to the sick room."

"No, I'm lethal!"

"She's already dead, Jason, so let's go, maybe we can still do something with the defibrillator," she pressures me. "Come on, you're wearing gloves, she won't have any more contact with your skin. To be safe, carry her feet!" How can she be so calm?

Nodding I grasp Dina's feet while Nay takes her hands. We've gone a few steps when Dina starts groaning. Shocked, Nay lets her hands go and Dina's head lands with a nasty whack on the ground again.

"Ouch!" yells Dina in annoyance. "What's this? What are you doing to me?"

"Oh ... fainted ..." Nay stutters, looking in a disturbed way at her hands.

"I've never fainted!" Yells Dina.

"But you did now!" I lie. "And in case you don't know already: I'm keen on Nay, not on you, so leave me in peace at last!"

Dina's eyes spark and she opens her mouth to say something, but I want her to go away. "Disappear!" I bluster harshly. Dina's eyes open wider in surprise, but them finally she stomps off.

"I'd never have thought I'd see the day when someone tells Dina 'no'," whispers Nay.

"Hey, are you all right?"

"Do you mean all right in the sense that it seems that I can waken the dead to life," she says and shakes her head. "How is that possible?"

"How is my gift possible?"