The fear in me

Nay

I see Jason run away in panic. It must have been a torture for him. I'm angry at my own pushy way of acting. Why didn't I simply give him time, the way he wanted? Why did I have to force him into this whole blabber about going out?

"What's up with Tim?" I hear Kay say.

Oh Lord, I quite forget the two of them. "Nothing, he's just acting as if he's fainted!" I'm so angry at Tim because he's pestered Jason so much.

"Wow, this is a genuinely interesting evening!" groans Tanja.

"You can say that out loud!" answers Kay. "Today was supposed to be a day of love, but then Nay had to spoil everything ..." For that he gets a hostile glance from me and Tanja.

"You should have forewarned us! Who could have guessed that Tim is actually keen on Nay!" she says accusingly.

"For God's sake, a blind man with a walking stick can see that!" Kay replies. "I think he's fainted from the whole shock."

"Of course. Where are the smelling salts?" I ask testily. The two of them shake their heads and look at the back of Tim's head.

"All right ... let's have a look ..." I take Tim's left hand and tuck it under his arm, then I take his right arm and turn him over. I bend down because he has still not moved and I start to get worried, but then he opens his eyes suddenly and grins: "Hey, Nay! Do you want to kiss me in front of everybody?"

"Get up!" I have mixed feelings. At first I was relieved that Tim is all right, but now wrath is gradually coursing through my body. I hope this has not all been a show to annoy Jason.

"Did you faint?" asks Kay laughing.

Tim rolls his eyes. "Why should I faint? I just wanted to give the freak a fright! Where has the idiot gone off to?"

Okay, that's the limit. So it was in fact intentional. "Wow, I didn't know you can be such an arsehole, Tim. For your information: Jason is petrified of crowds and of being touched. It's not just a normal fear, it's more, but that isn't what we're talking about now." I'm so angry that I'm trembling. "I judge it incredibly brave that he came along nevertheless and I wanted to show him what nice friends I've got, but unfortunately the whole thing has been one big disaster."

"Probably on the way home." I couldn't blame him. I feel terrible.

"Good, then let's go alone into the cinema. If we go now we'll arrive at the right time for the main feature ..." I hear Tim talking into my thoughts.

I turn around and gape at him. "Tell me, are you nuts! It was your fault that Jason took panic. Can't you show a bit more compassion now that you know the situation?"

"Why? Are you keen on that fellow after all?"

"That doesn't make any difference at all ... even if it was so. I don't think that would make any difference to you," I say in anger.

Tim looks as if I've smacked him across the face. Then he turns on his heel and races off.

"Just great!" I look at Tanja and Kay.

"A disaster ..." says Tanja with a grin.

"I'm driving home," I say, shaking my head. "I want to apologise to Jason."

"Say hello from me!" says Tanja, and Kay says something or other, but I'm no longer listening. I set off for the lifts. Anger is seething in me. This evening has been so different from what I expected. I'm angry with myself because I drew Jason into this tricky situation, and I'm cheesed off with Tim, who didn't have the guts to say he likes me. And now that I know about him I'm no longer sure whether I want to have him as my best friend at all. I've suffered so much and that does not interest him one bit. How mean it is to ignore somebody year after year.

I've reached the lift and press the buttons.

"Nay!" somebody says meekly, and I recognise the voice immediately. I turn around and Tim is standing there. He looks contrite. The lift has come, and I go in.

Tim follows me. "I'm sorry ..." he whispers next to me. "My acting like an arsehole must be caused by the shock ..." he keeps whispering. "You see, for so long I've wanted to say something to you. I should've said it this morning, but I was too cowardly," he keeps on speaking quietly, and my heart hops higher. I know what he wants to say. But I'm no longer a hundred percent sure that I really want to hear it. This morning I would've given anything for it ... but now?

"Tim, you should apologise to Jason," I say slowly.

"Hey ... why? I don't want to talk about him now."

"You acted badly. He was just about at the end of his tether when you lay on him and annoyed him, even though you know he has problems."

"I just wanted you to see what a crackpot he is. Why are you worried about him at all? The kid is absolutely bonkers! Just the way he runs about ... an idiot."

My anger rises up again but I try to stay calm. I don't want to lose Tim's friendship and I know that at the moment he's jealous. "Listen. Jason has a few problems and his mother asked me to look after him. So please don't be mean, okay?" I tell a lie calmly. Tim shrugs his shoulders. "Hey, you can't take care of everyone. I don't think he can be helped."

Minus points! I yell internally. Has he always been so tactless? "You know I like helping and if you really like me you'll accept that. And now let's go home," I say loudly.

"But ..." Tim starts to say.

"No but, Tim," I interrupt him, "I've had enough for today. I'm driving home now." I get out of the lift and run to my car. With some hope I look both ways, but Jason is not to be seen.

I sigh and come to the decision to visit him straight away and to apologise to him.

Tim gets into my car and keeps silent. I drive down from the parking deck and then home as quickly as possible.

I don't know what to make of the whole business. This morning only Tim existed for me! And now Tim wants me. Everything could be perfect, but somebody else has been haunting my mind all day ...

My thoughts roam to him. Jason. His look of horror when we fell on him. That was absolute fear, sheer panic ... and I was the one who put him in that stupid situation! Then I think of our brief skin contact. It was so tingly. Yes, it was an incredibly lovely feeling that for a moment had me dumbfounded. What would it be like to really touch him? I come out in pleasant goose bumps and am confused again.

I drive into our driveway and park the car. Then we get out without a word. Tim wishes me "Good night!" and leaves me standing. Typical! In agitation I look up to Jason's room. No light is on. What if he can't find his way home? Well, the city is not really gigantic. But for new people it is not easy to find your way. I bite my lower lip and am about to get back into my car when I hear noises behind me. I turn to the noises and am just about to whisper Jason's name when somebody presses his lips on mine. I know those lips. And I know the body. Tim!

I try to push him away and place my hands on his chest, but he doesn't move even a centimetre away from me. So I let him. He knows he can kiss well. He's had enough practice. Snort!

I'm waiting for a lovely feeling; after all I've been waiting so long. But I feel nothing. Instead I think of the tingling feeling of Jason's skin on mine. Wow? I'm gobsmacked.

At some point Tim releases me and looks at me in triumph. Luckily he doesn't know what I've been thinking.

"I'm going to fight for you! By the way, in case you haven't grasped it yet: I love you! I always have!" he whispers and strokes my cheek. Then he kisses me on the forehead and runs away.

Incredible!