The fear in me

Jason

I feel that Tim's eyes in my back. If looks could kill, I'd be dead now. What an arrogant little upstart. Has Nay been his girlfriend at some time? That would explain why he embraced her like that. But the two of them seem to have separated again, otherwise Nay would not have asked about that Maya. Why did they go their ways if they quite clearly feel something for each other? I can't stop myself, but I don't like that fellow. And yes ... I'm jealous and in fact so extremely so that I'd like to ram my fist into Tim's face – several times in succession. I've never been so overwhelmed by my feelings! Deep inside me a tumult is developing, and while I'm picturing my fist in Tim's face, I'm getting goose bumps. I'm scared that my thoughts are showing the horrible pictures that always assail me whenever I think of being touched. Calm down! I tell myself again and again.

Finally Nay calls me back to reality from my fit of madness. "Tim's usually not like that!" she apologises. Aha, so that's what she's thinking!

"Why did you break up if you're so keen on each other?" I ask impolitely.

She flinches. "I ... we've never been a pair!" she says. "I've always known him, but we've never been together. I don't know why all of a sudden he's reacting so ridiculously."

"Well, maybe he thought I'm your boyfriend ..." I state, and for a moment I like the idea. None of the usual horror scenes are afflicting me, but something else is here, and that feeling is getting me all worked up.

She shakes her head. "That's not a reason. You know, I've been running after him for so long. That has never interested him, and I've never acted as stupidly as he's doing. I've always been nice and friendly to his many girlfriends ..." She breaks off and looks at me with annoyance. Her face is saying: Why the heck am I telling you this?

"Maybe he thought you're not interested in him ..?" I think out loud. "Probably he's grasped that he has to say something to you and wanted to do it today ... and then you were here with me ..." That thought gives me a pang. One plus one is two ... he wants her and she wants him ...

"At fourteen I told him he doesn't know how to kiss!" her chatter penetrates my thoughts, then she slaps her hand over her mouth in shock.

I have to laugh. "Doesn't he really? How do you know that?"

She blushes and sighs. "We were both invited to Kay's birthday party. It was the first time Kay invited girls. Anyway, somebody or other had the brilliant idea of playing spin-the-bottle. When the bottle pointed at Tim, Kay said that he wanted me to go with Tim into the broom cupboard and kiss him for ten minutes. I'd always been keen on Tim and was quite excited, but when it got to the point where he began to kiss me he was so big-headed and full of himself that I got mad at him. Just to annoy him I said that he had to do a lot of practice before he could kiss well. After that he didn't speak to me for almost two months and was constantly with some girl or other."

"So you did kiss?" I ask and try not to sound jealous. But from her reaction I can see that I didn't succeed.

She doesn't answer me but just silently holds a menu in front of my face. I look up in irritation and see that we're standing right in front of the Italian counter. That had not occurred to me at all. What is this girl doing to me? Why am I so much not myself?

"What would you like?" she asks and sounds rather normal.

"I think, pizza with mushrooms!" I say quietly.

"A good choice. I think I'll take the same!" Then she orders two pizzas and two Coca Colas.

"So you've kissed, but you were never really a pair?" I ask again, more gently.