All That I Am

That First Night Alone

Michael's POV

Everything about today was hard, watching Rayne walk out the door was hard, telling her it'd be best for her to leave was hard, listening to her plead to me was hard, no matter how emotionless I seemed, I was torn apart. The hardest part was explaining this to Camille, she came home to her mother not being home, confusion written on her face.

"Dad? Where's mommy? Is she out painting today?" She asked innocently.

I tried to straighten my face, looking her in her big eyes. She looked just like Rayne, I sighed. "No.... come here, I need to talk to you." I pat the empty space next to me on the couch. "Your mom and I had a disagreement... and we hurt each other's feelings.. so she's gonna be staying at grandpa's for a while."

"But why?" She asked, "why can't you forgive each other and then she can stay here?"

"Well Millie, sometimes... parents can't stay together.. they need some time apart so they can forgive each other.."

"Like Maria's parents? Are you and mommy getting a divorce daddy?" She whimpers, her bottom lip trembles.

I knew she was worried because she called me daddy. I lean her head on my chest, "no baby.. no."

"You promise?" She sniffles.

I couldn't honestly promise to her, the way things were between Rayne and I, the possibility of divorce was likely if we couldn't fix things.

"Daddy... do you promise?"

I sigh, "yeah..."

"So are we going to live with mommy?"

"You guys are gonna stay here so you can get to school. Then Doug will take you to see mommy on Friday after school, ok?"

She nods before grabbing her book bag and heading into her room.

I knew that it would be difficult for the kids to adjust to this new living arrangement, but for mine and our marriage sake, this had to happen.

***
Getting the kids to bed was easy, making myself sleep? Almost impossible.

I buried myself in random paper work, things that I should've done weeks ago but always procrastinated on. As I'm signing papers, my pen runs out. I scoff tossing it across the desk and open the drawer to see Rayne and I's rings. I place them in my hand, giving a long sigh. I just don't understand how we got here. It hurts so bad to know that when I finally decide to go to bed she won't be there.

As time goes by, I realize the time at 3 in the morning. By 1 Rayne would've came and told me to come to bed, I can practically see her in my doorway, her big bright lavender eyes smiling at me, her hair in a big puffy bun. I smile at the thought. It's only been a day and I missed her so badly. Lying in bed alone was the absolute worst, my bed had never been so cold. There was so much space that was left unused, it simply felt weird to not have her there next to me. I couldn't watch her sleep on a night like this where I was wide awake. When my mind raced like this, I'd let the quiet lull me, her soft breathing embrace me and I'd drift off easily. This silence was lonely, only the sound of me tossing and turning filled the room.

I wondered what she was doing, was she sleeping right now? Or was she wide awake like me, thinking of how we were going to get through this successfully?

Rayne's POV

I hadn't moved completely out of Michael and I's home. I just grabbed clothing and the bare necessities I'd need to live alone. It was tearing me apart that my kids weren't with me but it'd be easier for them to stay there, especially with Camille being in school. It felt like the day dragged along... I couldn't even eat, I was so upset. I sat in my living room and cried. My phone had rang all day, between Derrick and Andre calling to see when we were getting back together to finish our painting. I couldn't bare to answer anyone's calls, I'd watch the phone ring and ring, text after text.

None of them were from Michael, he wanted nothing to do with me. I thought about my kids, especially Camille, my little girl who was wise beyond her years.. I knew she had an idea of what was happening, I didn't even get to tell her what happened but I'm sure Michael explained things as best he could.

Andre called once more, distracting me from my own tears. Without second thought I answered coldly, "what do you want?"

"Woah... did I call at a bad time?" He says confused.

"Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"Umm.... no, what did I do?"

"You ruined my marriage... Michael found out about what happened between us." I sniff.

"Oh... oh Rayne...I'm sorry. Are you alright?"

"No I'm not alright! I'm on the verge of a divorce, my husband basically kicked me out of my house, I'm away from my kids, my life feels like it's falling apart and it's all your fault!" I sob.

"Rayne you had sex with me just as much as I did with you, you could've told me to stop at anytime. You can't place this all on me"

He was right, I had wanted Andre since we met and no matter how adamant I was about not sleeping with him, that lust never went away. I wanted him just as bad as he wanted me. "Andre, I can't finish this painting with you. I never want to see you again...." I sniffle. I hung up burying my face in my hands.

Sitting in the bathtub, I contemplated laying underwater, simply waiting for it all to go away. I wanted this pain to subside. I can't leave my kids, that was the only reason I didn't go under. I sat there thinking about the heartbreak I felt when I found out Michael cheated and I was pissed with myself because I put him through that. There was a time I wished that on him, just so he could understand how hard it is to let that go.

I scrolled through my phone, my eyes still very red with tears. Stopping at Michael's name, I pressed the button to send a text.

"I'm laying here alone, wishing you were here with me. I know you'd wipe away these tears and talk me through this hurt that I'm feeling. I just wish I wasn't the reason I felt this way. I wish things were different. We have to get through this for the sake of me and you because I don't think I can do this without you. I miss you so much, I miss the kids, and I miss our family. If we were supposed to be apart we would've never met. I just want you to know that I love you, and despite our current problems, I hope you still love me too."

I tossed my phone to the empty side of the bed, wiping my eyes and sniffling until I started falling asleep. About 30 minutes later my phone buzzed and I open it to a text that simply wrote "I love you too"

It felt like he was trying to stay emotionally detached from me, and that hurt more than anything.