All That I Am

I Hate You-Don't Leave

Rayne's POV

"Did you seriously say that Rayne?" My sister asks, sitting next to me Indian styled on the couch.

I sniffle, grabbing the wine glass off the table in front of us. Nodding my head, I wince at the bitterness from the wine at the back of my throat. My sister and I had gotten so close and I'm honestly glad, I wouldn't have been able to vent with Derrick like this.

"Ray.." she sighs sympathetically. "Do you honestly feel like that? Do you still love him?"

"I think I do Alonna... but I can't be with him like this anymore... and I can't hurt our kids by faking like we're working through this. Especially Camille.."

I felt so bad about what we told Camille, grinning in her face to say everything will be ok, just for us to go back and argue 20 seconds later. "We sat there and promised our daughter that we'd be fine.. like everything was ok..." I sniffle, shaking my head. "Our baby girl is gonna grow up hating us.."

"No she won't.." Alonna sighs, "you and Michael are stronger than this. I've only been around a year or two but I can tell that you two were meant to be together. You will get through this...it's gotta get rough before it gets better.. ok?"

"I want to believe you, but I just don't see it happening.." I bury my face in my hands letting the last of my tears flow out before heading to bed. Laying there, I was now used to having the empty space on the other side, I was used to sleeping alone. I shut my eyes as tight as I possibly could trying to force myself to sleep but nothing worked. My own words rang through my head, on repeat. The heartbreak in his eyes shattered my entire soul and I couldn't stop crying. My pillow was soaked.

I heard the doorbell ring and I went to answer since my sister was sleeping. My dried red puffy eyes couldn't be hidden if I tried. Opening it I'm met with him, my 'husband' I sigh, "what are you doing here..."

"I can't go to sleep thinking that you don't love me. That's a lie and we both know it Rayne." He says.

"Go home Michael.." I say shutting the door before I was stopped by his hand. I frown, "move."

"I can't." He says tearfully, "you said you weren't sure if we're fighting for the kids or us. Well look, I'm fighting for us so.. please let me in?"

I roll my eyes and sigh, heading straight for the living room and plop on the couch. "Just keep it down ok..."

"Why? Is someone else here?" He says following me inside.

I look at him, "Yeah, someone else is here. My sister, Michael! What do you want...?"

"I want you to tell me you still love me, to tell me you still give a damn about this marriage Rayne... do you?" Michael says sitting beside me.

"Of course I do Michael! I love you! I love you so much that I hate you. I hate where we are. I hate that I can barely talk to you without being reminded that you cheated on me! Every time I look at you, I think of her.. or whoever else you've been with while on tour without me. I hate THIS."

"You think this is any easier on me?" Michael scoffs, "how do you think I feel knowing you were gonna cheat on me but just not knowing when? I told you leave that guy Andre alone but you swore to me you weren't going to do anything."

I roll my eyes, "so my situation is worse because you called it?" I giggle to myself, putting my face in my hands. "You think I didn't know what you were out there doing? You tried to cheat on me in a hotel room down the hall from me with that Tatiana girl back in 89... you think I forgot about who you were before I married you?"

"That's not who I am now." Michael interrupts.

"That was NEVER who I was!" I yell carelessly, my sister was probably awake by this point. "I stood by you the entire time. 22 years of having my heart broken by you over and over and OVER again!" I sob inwardly, "I probably will do it again.... we'll get back together and you'll hurt me again... and I'll be right there beside you because I love you Michael.." I shake my head "I hurt you one time... and you can't handle how it feels. Multiply that by 15...then maybe you'd understand where I am."