Saudade (Published under Indie Pop)

Chapter 39: A New Perspective

           

Chapter 39: A New Perspective

I lost track of the time. All I remembered were the coldness, sadness and darkness that seemed to accompany me during the rest of the journey back to the mainland. It felt like I was there but I wasn't living - that there was no point in my existence since I lost all the capability to make choices. And at that time, I accepted whatever fate the heaven gave upon me. If it was my end then let it be. I guessed I had finally lost the strength to resist.

However, sometime during the last day of sailing, I began to regain my strength. The pain and reality came back in one strong blow that the first thing I did when I got rid of the weakness was to cry my eyes out again. Because who knew if I would still have the chance to cry in the mainland? I doubt if they would see mourning for the lost pirates reasonable on my side. They would probably never understand. And as I cried my last tears for the pirates who had grown a huge place in my heart, a particular face captured the whole of my mind. And I felt sad remembering the last few words we said, the broken promises we shared.

The promises we made meant nothing at all the moment he didn't come back to me - the moment I decided that I should leave. And for something that had no meaning, why did it hurt so bad remembering those words. It was like my heart remembered every breath and sound of it, every second I waited for him and the exact point when I realized that he would never come. And at that moment, I was still convincing myself that the promises we made meant nothing at all - for he didn't come back - for I didn't wait for him long enough. Maybe it meant nothing - and maybe it meant everything.

The door opened and light flooded the room. I never thought that a cabin in the sea could be this bright; there must be a huge progress with the machinery in the West Land - a progress that could be shared to the land beyond the mainland.

Tarnus sat on the bed and I felt his hand touched my forehead. I saw relief in my eyes and he smiled at me, and it hurt me that I couldn't return it. He had been good to me all this time and I knew I had to at least appreciate his effort in saving me.

"I'm glad that you seem to be better now. Your fever is gone and the color is back on your face," he stopped for a moment and continued, "You're still beautiful."

His last words were almost a whisper, like they weren't meant to reach my ears. But it did and I couldn't help the blush that made its way to my cheeks. He blinked and straightened, as if he was just awakened from his dream. He stood up and paced the room, unsure of what he would say next.

"We'll be arriving at the Sea Port City before dusk considering that the weather will be on our favour. You're going to be finally home, Lady Primrose," he said.

I smiled sadly at him. I failed in trying to be happy with the news. It made it seem more real this time - made me feel more - telling me that it wasn't just a bad dream. He saw my lack of enthusiasm about what he had announced but he preferred not to question it. He just looked at me, understanding the things that must be hard for him to understand.

"Whatever it is that's bothering you, I hope you know that your father and mother are waiting for you. They are the ones who will be the happiest when you come back."

I remembered the face of my father who was looking at me proudly the time I learned how to ride a horse. He even bragged to his companions that his daughter could slay things like a man. My mother would just look at me, worried and horrified at my torn dress. She would scold me by being unladylike before bed and plant kiss on my forehead. I had been selfish for not wanting to be back. At some point during my journey in the pirate world, I had forgotten about them and how they were suffering at my disappearance. And I wanted to punch myself hard for that.