Ghosts Shouldn't Be This Annoying

There's Something Watching- Why Does It Smell Like Douchebag In Here?

3. There's Something Watching- Why Does It Smell Like Douchebag In Here?

Your name is Mituna Captor and you are really fucking excited. All the time. You were excited to move to California, excited to move into a new house, excited to meet people in the small town you're living in now- until you found the cigarette on your floor. You did a double-take, went to inspect (because you don't smoke and don't own cigarettes) when it disappeared. It fucking disappeared.

You ran to get Sollux, who disproved you even though you protested you really saw it. He doesn't believe you, but he convinced you, and now it's okay.

Well, it was okay until you started feeling like someone was watching you wherever you were in the house. In your bedroom, in the kitchen, in the game-room (a whole room dedicated to video games and board games- this house is fucking sweet), sometimes even in the bathroom. Frankly, it's starting to freak you out. You would mention it to Sollux or maybe even your father, but they'd just dismiss your claims as results of an overactive imagination. Not to say you don't have an overactive imagination; you do! You just think something's- or someone's- really watching you.

Which is how you find yourself sitting in your room with the Ouija board your father got you as a joke one time, calling out to the spirits. It certainly isn't a joke now.

"Hello? Ith… (fuck your lisp) ith there anyone out there?" you say, your hand on the Ouija board, feeling stupider and stupider by the minute. It's just your overactive imagination, you're imagining things, it isn't real- oh shit. Your hand is moving, and it's not you. Your hand moves the piece slowly, dramatically to "Yes". Well then.

"Um… are you a good thpirit?" you ask, suddenly feeling nervous. Your hand moves again, this time to… between the yes and no? "Tho… it'th a maybe?" It moves to yes. "What'th your name?" you ask, feeling even more nervous by the second. Your hand moves to "C", then "R", "O", "N", "U" and "S". "Cronuth?" you ask, raising an eyebrow. It moves off to the side, then back to the "S". You scowl; it's a mischievous spirit, making fun of your lisp. "Fine then, CRONUTH," you put extra emphasis on the "th" sound.

Your hand moves to "Good Bye", and you protest, "Wait, I still have more questionth!" There's a pause, then "OK" is spelled out. You sigh in relief, then ask, "Are you a malevolent thpirit, then?" Your hand moves back to the "S", and you growl in frustration. "You know what I mean!" You hear faint laughing, and the hair on the back of your neck stands up. Then your hand moves to "NO", and you grin. "Jutht a thpirit who'th thtuck in the living world until you complete whatever tathk you have left to do, right?"

"YES".

"What ith your tathk?"

Your name is Cronus Ampora, and you are having the time of your life. This kid (who's only a few years younger than you) decided it would be a great idea to break out the Ouija board and try to communicate with ghosts- which means you. You're having a fuckin' laugh as you give him weird answers, and make fun of his lisp, which completely botches your name.

But when he asks what your task is, you realize you don't know. You've heard plenty of stories about ghosts who get stuck, who have to stay in the living world until they move on to whatever's there for them- that is, if they get over whatever's keeping them with the living. You've been dead for years, but you still haven't figured out your purpose here. You suppose Eridan and your father haven't either, if they're stuck here with you.

You sigh and put a hand over his, moving it to "I", "D", "K". The kid, "Mituna" you think his father called him, grunts in frustration, and you have to stifle a snicker because that's pretty damn cute. Him and his lisp are pretty cute. You'd probably tap that- you know, if you were still alive.

Being alive… you remember it vaguely. Your tragically cut-short teenage-hood was filled with music-making, along with trying to woo everyone's hearts. It didn't work, of course. Everyone said you were an asshole, playing the "tragic musician who makes heartbreaking music" card. You remember being a kid, too; those days were filled with magic, you remember. You got Eridan into it as well, until you both realized it wasn't real and gave up on it.

Your father yelled at you both that he "wasn't going to let his only heirs waste time with such foolishness" and the usual stuff. That's partly why you both gave it up.

While you had been zoning out, Mituna had asked the same question, several times, only to snap you out of your daze with an angry, "Are you even thtill there?!"

You smirk and lead his hand back to the "S". He lets go and bangs on the table in frustration, standing up and growling, "You're a dick, you know that? I jutht wanted to ask you thome questionth and here you are, making fun of my lithp! You know what, have fun figuring out your tathk or thome shit. I wath trying to help you, you know!"

You panic and grab the planchette, spelling out "WAIT". Mituna sighs, reading the letters, then sits back down and places his hand on the planchette, putting his head in his other hand. "Tho you don't know why you're thtuck here. Do you know how you died?"

You think about that one for a minute. No, you don't; you don't remember how you died, actually. You remember pain, then darkness, then looking down at your own body, but you don't remember anything else. You lead his hand to "NO".

Mituna sighs, "Well, that'th really fucking helpful. Maybe you died in a violent way and that'th why you're thtuck here."

You spasm suddenly, a brief memory overtaking you- fear, quick pain, blissful darkness- but it's gone as suddenly as it came and wow you're lying on the floor, shivering. Mituna's freaking out; apparently the planchette went flying across the room and his hand was jerked to the side and he's yelling, suddenly the other son that looks like him- Sollux?- comes running in, asking what's wrong.

You stand up slowly, still shaking, as you listen to Mituna tell Sollux about the whole thing, from asking you questions to you telling him your name to the whole planchette going flying thing. Sollux just scowls and says, "Quit mething with thpirit bullshit, Tuna! Thith shit never turnth out well for people in horror movieth, why would it turn out well for you?" and packs up the Ouija board, taking it away.

Next thing you know Eridan bursts in, scowling and yelling at you for fucking with the kid, Mituna, "Wwhat the fuck, you could'vve gotten us in big trouble! Wwe probably already are!"

"Keep it dowvn, I don't think Dad has noticed it yet," you hiss, leaning against the bedframe, your knees still weak.

"Noticed what, my dear son?"

You don't even need to look to know it's your father. Just the sense of power filling the room, along with it becoming suddenly much colder. You see Sollux and Mituna freeze up; even if they're human, they can still feel the power radiating from the ghost of Orpheus Ampora. They glance around nervously, then abscond from the room quickly. You wish you could abscond.

"Nothin', father," you reply nervously, standing up straight and facing your father.

"I think you're lying to me. Now, tell me: what am I not noticing?" he asks again, leveling a glare at you that could make any brave man weak-kneed.

You drop your eyes to the ground in shame and mumble, "I might'vwe been messin' a bit vwith the kid."

"What did I tell you about bothering the living humans in our house?"

"He broke out the Ouija board- I couldn't help it!"

"That's no excuse. This will not happen again, will it?"

"No, father."

"That's what I like to hear. Now, go keep an eye on the two sons. Report to me if they suspect anything, and if they do, tell me exactly what they suspect."

"Yes, father."

"Eridan, that's you too. Go with Cronus," your father says, and with that, leaves the room. You and Eridan both sigh in relief. Your father's gone, but now you have to go spy on the twins.

Great.