✔︎ | Gold Digger

Chapter 17 - Jonathan Knight

Chapter 17 – Jonathan Knight

My words from yesterday leave my head right then, and Ryker's replace them, pounding like a heartbeat in my brain. I am bipolar.

"I'm so sorry, Ryker," I say in a whisper. My lip quivers, and I have to stop myself from crying because of what I said. I should never have said the things I did. I wish I could take them back. Why was I so clueless? "I didn't mean anything bad when I yelled at you yesterday. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's not your fault," he gasps and takes a seat beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder and one on my knee. His hazel eyes gaze into mine. "I just wanted you to know why my mood changes so often. Why sometimes I seem like I care so much, too much, and then the next," he sighs, "the next moment I'm a terrible, cruel, nightmare. I haven't been taking my pills. I never really have been. I hate being different."

My hand moves to cup Ryker's soft face. "I like you because you're different. I don't care if you have to take pills to control yourself, or that you have nightmares, or that you drive me insane sometimes; that you hurt me. I care about you."

"I know you do," Ryker sighs, looking away. "But I can't live with myself after I realize that I need you and I just pushed you further away."

"Is that why you're telling me all of this?"

Ryker nods. "You need to know everything about me. Otherwise if I end up doing something terrible, you wont be able to understand, and you'll leave me alone. And I don't want to be alone, Jessie. I need you. Okay? I need you." I nod my head, and Ryker gives me a faint smile, locking his eyes on mine again. "Ask me anything."

I shake my head. "I can't do that, Ryker. I don't want to pry."

Ryker takes my hand from his face and kisses it. "Ask my anything," he says, dropping our hands to his lap, holding mine gently and stroking his thumb against the back of it. I squeeze his hand tightly, biting my lip.

"What happened to your dad?" I ask.

He breathes, probably wishing I hadn't asked that. But he said to ask him anything, and I've wanted to know about his father. "My dad," he almost whimpers, "my dad is my greatest sin. And that's a lot coming from a guy like me. It's my fault he died, you know? I was driving the car, he asked me to go slower. I didn't. I took my eyes off of the road for one second and..." Ryker's eyes begin to water, and he sniffs, holding it all back. "I blame myself for his death. I became depressed after I survived the accident and he didn't. And then I began having highs and lows. Sometimes I would feel okay, happy even, that I was still here."

"I would sometimes laugh and then the next day I would shut myself in my dark, stuffy room and yell and cry and then my mom knew something was wrong. She took me to a psychotherapist. It wasn't really helping me much, but my mom was sure it was going to. She didn't want to lose her son like she lost her husband. And then I started going back to school. That didn't go very well, obviously, because one night I tried to...and I almost...."

I touch Ryker's arm lightly, and he sighs. "Nicole was dating me at the time. She broke up with me, which was probably the best thing she's ever done for herself. I lost a friend too, and I went to jail, but my mom told them about my condition so they sent me off to a freaking mental hospital, where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I stayed there for a while and they helped me a little, but when I got out I only sometimes took my medication."

"When I did, it made a difference, but I pretended it didn't," he admits. "I wanted to be better person, but I felt like life just chewed me up and spit me out for fun, so in a way, I did that to other people. I hurt them. I took on this whole 'tough guy' demeanor, and pretended to hate everything and everyone. My mom got remarried after a year and I got a little brother. I wanted to be angry, but Jake looked up to me the moment we met, and Bruce was so kind..."