❝When I'm around slow dancing in the dark, don't follow me you'll end up in my arms.❞
『 homecoming - post 』
『 the extraordinary series 』
『 cover by binbarnes 』
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◤ chapter nineteen: ❛ upward climb ❜ ◢
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TONI THOUGHT THAT ROLLERCOASTERS WERE THE PERFECT METAPHOR FOR LIFE ITSELF. Sometimes, you were on Cloud Nine, soaring about the world with her hands in the air in anticipation for what was to come, smiling wildly and carelessly, drunk on love or whatever toxin you ingested, but after Cloud Nine came the fall. The deepest parts of the world, where you hit rock bottom and slowly had to climb back to where you were in the first place.
She knew before that she was on a downward slope, going from that wild looseness that allowed her to feel comfortable in her ever-changing life to that slump of nothing even mattered with that bitterness building in the back of her throat, and she knew exactly when she hit rock bottom. That was when she lost trust in her friends, when Atlas pulled away and she allowed him, turning her back from him out of spite because if he could do that to her then surely she could do that to him, then again when Sabrina pushed her towards something she wanted but didn't admit in attempts to pretend that her own life wasn't a mess as well.
Her rock bottom was being a shitty friend and allowing all her friends to leave, turning back to them because that was easier then chasing after them and forcing them to talk to her and work out everything in their lives. It was easier just to go rather than to tough it through to the other side and be there for them. Sadly, she chose the easier route and now she was paying the price.
But she thought she was getting better, going on an upward climb after talking to Harry and admitting that maybe they weren't enemies anymore and could be friends before having a real conversation with Atlas and getting through all the mushy shit they needed to before knocking back drinks together like they used to do.
This was better; this had to be an upward climb because, God, she needed one. She needed Sabrina back, she needed her friend to help her guide her through her feelings with Harry because she needed some good guidance. She needed something because they were somewhat friends now and he sat with them at lunch one day and it took everything in her not to snap at him because that was easier than being friendly to him even though she also wanted to reach out and hold him forever.
God, feelings were so complicated. She was all over the place and nothing felt quite right.
But she didn't know what to say, didn't know what to admit to her, because there was so much to say and everything was so bad and daunting to her. Everything made her sound like such a villain, and she really wasn't trying to be. She was just existing, and it was tireless, and she felt like maybe there was no chance for her.
Nothing mattered really, did it? Nothing mattered but it did – it mattered so much and it ate her alive. Her reactions, her rock bottom, the downward slope that lead to all of this...it all mattered so much. Sabrina's feelings, the weight she must have felt when she thought she was going to do, the smile she plastered on her face to ignore it, it all mattered so much and Toni was too selfish to recognize it at first, so focused on her own problems and her own declining rollercoaster ride rather than Sabrina's.
