It's been two years
and the pain did go away
kinda
maybe it just changed
because there is pain
there is
it's using a different name
it's playing a different game
and i'm happy
i can feel the serotonin
shaking hands with oxytocin
shaking hands like it's a truce
but is it the truth?
it was never the chemical itself
but the lack thereof
but this thing that's making me sick now
it's the actual love
it's that feeling of attachment
that i can't live without him
and he can't live without me
i know he won't
so i know that i can't leave
and it's not that i want to leave
but then maybe i do
i'm only eighteen
and this life is so new
and i want to go see it
and feel and explore
but the chemicals that once controlled me
control him even more
and i can't leave him
alone with those thoughts
but i'm so sick of fighting
these things that i've already fought
does that make me selfish?
does that make me bad?
the person i love
is constantly sad
and there's nothing to say
no words to console
and he just won't listen
his brain is taking its toll
you say "you've been there before"
"you've felt how he's felt"
but he doesn't deal
the way that i dealt
and that makes me selfish
and i always feel down
but there's no other person
i'd rather be around
tell me how to fix him
how to fix something
that doesn't want to be fixed
tell me how to listen
when his feelings are mangled and mixed
i need to do more
always more more more
can you blame me for looking
so wishfully at the door?
you can blame me
i deserve it
and i'll carry the blame
because i know that it won't crush me
the way i'm crushed by his pain
he asks "do i make you sad"
and i fake a smile
and i fake a laugh
and he half believes
but i know he gets mad
because he sees me crumbling
which makes him feel bad
it makes him feel worse
even more than before
and he sees me staring
again at the door
maybe i leave
maybe i dont
maybe he'll see
maybe he won't
