Off Camera

Dead ends and empty beds

**ONE YEAR LATER (BEGINNING OF JANUARY)**

"David, I'm so sorry, filming went over time and then I had to stay back because the directors wanted to go through some lines and then the roads were busy. can we maybe do dinner another night?" I spoke into my phone as the uber was pulling into my driveway. I could tell he was not impressed on the other end of the line. I could already feel his eyes rolling in his head.

"Liza this is the fourth time that you have blown me off. like come on Liza, I understand that filming takes a long time and that this is a good thing for you but you still have a boyfriend, I'm still apart of your life."

"David it's not a big deal, we can re-schedule. I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. you know how much this means to me. it's my own show, David. you knew that I would be busier than usual when filming started and you promised me that you were fine with that." I walked inside and threw my bag down into my room as I sat down on the edge of my bed, getting flustered with how unreasonable David was being with me.

"are you serious Liza! I should matter to. we have been together for basically three years now and you act like I'm not even apart of your life anymore. I literally feel invisible to you Liza, like everyone and everything means more to you than me. all I want to do is have dinner with my girlfriend does that not mean anything o you. and I may have promised that I was fine with you working late but I never promised that I was fine with being erased from your life because your too busy for me"

he hung up before I could say anything else. how dare he blame me for all of this. I was so tired from filming and now angry from yet another fight with David, the only thing that I needed right now was a long and hot bath.

Silence consumed my darkroom as I lay in my bed replaying my conversation with David. things have become really bad between us for a while now, every night we seem to be arguing and we have just both become so distant from each other. we barely get to see each other anymore and when we do it always for filming. I hate when he and I leave things on a bad note, but lately, that's how it's always been. I took a deep breath as I realised what needed to happen. something that I never thought would between David and I but this just isn't healthy for either him nor I anymore. man, I wish tomorrow never comes because I'm dreading what is going to be said.

**THE NEXT DAY**

everything feels as if it's in slow motion like the birds are barely flying, the clouds are not moving and the wind is not blowing. everything feels as though it has just stopped. my three slow knocks on the door create more dread in my stomach as I wait for David to emerge from his opening welcoming me in. we talked this morning on the phone and we arranged to meet at his place early in the morning for a chat. strangely enough, the tone in his voice made me feel like he already knew what was about to happen and like he was ready for this as well.

finally, his figure came around the corner and he opened the door. the air was silent and he and I both had a look on our faces. his eyes were distant and empty as were mine, our presence around one another felt different, more empty and cold, less like us and more like strangers.

"come in, do you want a drink or anything, something to eat?" he asked as we walked into his lounge room. I shook my head and placed my bag down on the floor.

"is Natalie here this morning?"

"no, she went to Vernon Hill's for the weekend to be with her family." I nodded and we both sat down on his couch, on opposite sides to one another. we stayed silent for a while before I knew that it was time.

"I don't think that I will ever e able to understand how we both let distance get in the way of us. I mean, I'm frustrated and angry at myself for not putting in enough effort and for not dealing with this before it got to this stage."

"I'm the same. I mean you and I both always seemed to have something going on, but just not with each other."

"David, I love you so so much and these last two years have honestly been the best two years of my freaking life. you are literally one in a million and I don't think that I will ever be able to say that I regret those years nor will I ever be able to hate you." the tears had started forming in his eyes as well as mine. we knew what was coming and there was now no going back. I took a breath before my tears flowed down my face. he escaped at the same time.

"I don't think that it is healthy for you and I to both continue with this relationship and I don't think that I can give you the support and the love that you give to me. my mind right now is not in a good place and I am still trying to figure out who I am and I am dealing with mental issues and body image issues which make me feel upset and not the best sometimes. Dave, I feel that in order to give love, I need love first." at this point, I couldn't talk anymore. I was crying to the point where I could barely breathe nor see. david was crying into his hands on his end of the couch and sniffing along with it. he got up and sat down next to me pulling me into him which I felt the most comfortable. we both stayed like this for the next few minutes before we both felt like we could continue with the talk.

"I'm sorry that you don't feel the greatest. it kills me knowing that you don't feel the best and that I cant do anything to fix that. liza like you said the last two years have been the best years of my life and always will be. I love you and nothing will ever change that. but like you said, this distance killed us and we are both young and still trying to figure out our lives and I think we let that get in the way of us and we both came to a point where we didn't want to try anymore, I think we both just went with it."

"I think the best thing for us to do now is break up. and who knows what will happen in the future but just not now." we both started crying uncontrollably again. the minute those words left my mouth I felt the worst pain in my chest like my heart had been ripped to pieces. saying those words out loud made it official and made it into reality. never did I think that this would ever happen to us. seeing him this upset and feeling this heartbroken was the worst thing in the whole entire world.

"I didn't have the balls to end things but I was feeling it was time as well Liza."

we stayed crying on his couch for the rest of the day. both of us feeling numb and unable to move. finally came the time when we felt that i needed to leave and we both needed to start greiveing. before i lfet we came to a mutual agreement that this stays between us until we can get our heads around what was actually becomming our ereality.

i made it home in the dark, and realised i had spent the whole day at his. i collpased into my bed and cried into my pillow wishing his arms were around me but i knew that that was no longer a posibility for me. this was the end of Diza, this was the end of us.