What Actually Happened With Thorin in Mirkwood

In which Thorin smells bad

*second day of interrogation*

Thorin: I am so sick of elves. So sick. I actually think I am dying. 

Thranduil: Stop being so melodramatic. Honestly. *hair flip*

Legolas: *walking in with a salad* Ada, why is he still here?

Thranduil: I still don't know, to be honest. 

Legolas: Oh. 

Thranduil: Did you forget my salad dressing?

Legolas: *confused* Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hold on. *leaves*

Thorin: In case you care, you would like to know that the only reason my company came here was that there may have been the smallest chance that there would be food. 

Thranduil: And now, here you see that there is a next to none chance. 

Thorin: *splutters* What? But you're eating a salad. 

Thranduil: I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. I mean that there is a next to none chance that the food will be for you. 

Thorin: *dripping with sarcasm* What a generous and hospitable host you are. Bah! Elven hospitality!

Thranduil: Well, dwarvish hospitality isn't overly spectacular either. 

Thorin: You know this how?

Thranduil: I went to see Thror once, do you recall? Or were you what, like, six at the time?

Thorin: I was fifteen, for your information. 

Thranduil: *gasps in mock surprise* What an accomplishment! Fifteen! You are but a child. I was...Hmm, let's see. Around 3,0249, I believe. 

Thorin: I am much wiser, though my years may be less. *puffs out chest indignantly*

Thranduil: That I very much doubt. I was wise before your time, Thorin Oakenshield. 

Thorin: But of course, you wouldn't understand. 

Thranduil: Wouldn't I? If you were wise, as you so impertinently have stated, you would have dignifiedly turned away from that dragon of yours. Oh, wait, I did that. *smug look*  Instead of trying to..what was it, now? Didn't you try to...tame it?

Thorin: We had to protect and defend our people!

Thranduil: Yes, by sending them to battle against a ferocious and greedy dragon who was larger than the entire city of Dale? Oh, I forgot to mention: HE BREATHES FIRE. Brilliant safety plan, Thorin. Simply brilliant. You should get it published in Erebor's guide for Safety 101. 

Thorin: I hate you. You could have helped. 

Thranduil: And needlessly sacrificed my people. Don't make me laugh. 

Thorin: Your peop-

Legolas: *appearing in the doorway* Ada, I got your salad dressing!

Thranduil: Oh. Thank you. 

Legolas: What did I miss? *produces bag of popcorn*

Thorin: Why do you care?

Legolas: Do not think to speak to me like that, dwarf. 

Thorin: Here we go again. 

Thranduil: Want to stop talking?  

Thorin: I do what I want!

Legolas: Why do I smell an unpleasant and noisome mixture of sweat, vinegar, and spoiled meat? 

Thranduil. The vinegar is in my Raspberry Balsalmic Vinegrette. The rest is Thorin. 

Thorin: Heeey! I smell fine, like a proper dwarf. 

Thranduil: No wonder, the palace has been smelling like your lot for days. 

Thorin: I don't smell...

Thranduil: Oh, trust me, I know. Legolas, would you be so kind as to get the air freshener?

Legolas: *rebel teenager eye roll* You get it. 

Thranduil: Would YOU like to...ah...entertain...our guest?

Legolas: *dramatic sigh* Fine. I'll get it. *leaves irritably*

Thorin: And now you insult me yet again. Spectacular. 

Thranduil: Honesty is the best policy. 

Thorin: Well, it isn't as if elves smell better. 

Legolas: *reappearing* Heeey!

Thranduil: That was out of line!

Thorin: So telling me that I smell bad wasn't?

Legolas: That was merely an observation. 

Thorin: Whatever. So now I'm the bad guy. 

Thranduil: I'm glad you finally picked up on that, Thorin. *sarcasm* You get a gold star. 

Legolas: And for the record, elves smell good. Like spring, or flowers, or raspberry shortcake. 

Thranduil: *with flourish* That would be me!

Legolas: Um okay, cool. 

Thorin: *sniffs* Well, I don't think that's normal. 

Thranduil: Clearly not. However, your judge of normal seems to be in poor order, as you believe that it's socially acceptable to walk around smelling foul everywhere. 

Legolas. Honestly, no wonder Smaug is so accustomed to the smell of Dwarf! You can literally smell it from a mile away!

Thranduil: Hence the air freshener. 

Legolas: *sprays it in the air* Mmm, Waterfall Blossom. 

Thranduil: Oh, it's THAT one. 

Thorin: *confused* Why, what's wrong with it? 

Thranduil: *casual wave* Why, nothing. It's only the one that Elrond sent me shortly after you left from Rivendell. He seemed to think it would come in handy. I cannot fathom why.

Legolas: *trying not to burst into laughter*

Thorin: hate hate hate so much hate

*Note: All ages are relative and not intended to be used as references