What Actually Happened With Thorin in Mirkwood

Bofur (or, Take Off That Hat)

Thranduil: Whoooooo's next?

Legolas: Not Fili, Kili, Thorin or Bombur. 

Thranduil: *sarcasm* Thank you, Legolas, that was most enlightening. 

Legolas: *mutters* ...sorry...

*doors open*

Guards: Here he is, my King. 

Thranduil: Ah, thank you. You may-

Bofur: Ello, lads!

Legolas: Oh. It's him. 

Thranduil: *whisper* Who?

Legolas: *whisper* Elrond told me of him. Apparently he's the dwarf who sings a lot. 

Thranduil:.....oh no

Bofur: D'ya mind raising your voices a tad? I'm 'fraid I can't hear what you lads are saying. 

Thranduil: Well, that is the point. 

Bofur: Oh. Mind explaining where I am?

Legolas: Isn't obvious?

Bofur: No, not really. 

Legolas: *sigh* Dwarves these days....

Thranduil: You are honored to be in the Great Halls of Me

Bofur: Great Halls of Me?

Thranduil: No!

Bofur: But you just said...

Thranduil: The Great Halls of Me, not of you. 

Bofur: Sorry, I'm confused. 

Thranduil: My eternal beauty has a way of doing that.

Legolas: Can you please....?

Thranduil: *ignoring Legolas* Alright, you're just here to be interrogated. Do you want to take of that hideous hat?

Bofur: Well, that's ominous. And no, no I do not. 

Thranduil: Anyway. Why did you come into my forest like annoying spiders?

Bofur: Ah, I did hear bout that. 

Thranduil: Sorry?

Bofur: 'bout the spiders. Right nasty, they are. Had an unfortunate run in with some when we....

Legolas: Were caught by me! *smug look*

Thranduil: Yes, they are quite a pestilence around here. Like dwarves. Hence the question. 

Bofur: Sorry, which question again?

Legolas: The one inquiring as to your intentions in the forest...

Bofur: Ah, that one. Well, as it happens, we were in the Shire one evening in Bilbo's house, and he's a hobbit, you know? So we ate a lot of food, and me and Kili and Fili and everyone sang a song about Bilbo but Thorin kinda crashed the party because he's always late, and apparently he got lost. So anyway, there was this huge...

Thranduil: Hold on. 

Bofur: Yes?

Legolas: I thought you were telling us about the forest?

Bofur: *rolls eyes* Can't you see I'm getting there? Anyway, there was a huge amount of dishes after the party, so we-

Thranduil: Is he telling us the entire story? I think he's telling us the ENTIRE STORY. 

Legolas: It appears to be so. 

Bofur: Well, maybe if you would let me finish we could-

Legolas + Thranduil: NO!

Bofur: ......okay......

Legolas: *exasperated* Just....just start at the part where you come into Mirkwood, okay?

Bofur: BUT A STORY IS NOT GOOD IF YOU START IN THE MIDDLE!

Thranduil: *soothing voice* It's okay, now. Stories can start wherever you want them to start. 

Bofur: *crosses arms* Well, what if I want to start from the beginning? 

Legolas: Oh, Eru. 

Thranduil: *tilts head* Then you will also want somebody to behead you out of sheer boredom. 

Bofur: Fine, fine. We walked into Mirkwood because Gandalf abandoned us and went somewhere and then we walked in here and it was dark and then we ran out of food and everyone was hungry so Thorin tried to shoot his weird white stag but he missed and he had no more arrows and

Thranduil: *yells* WHAT THE SAURON, THORIN

Bofur:....Um....?

Thranduil: NOBODY BEATS THE KING. NOBODY. 

Bofur: Is he okay? 

Thranduil: NO I AM NOT OKAY YOUR MENACE OF A RELATIVE TRIED TO SHOOT MY AMAZING STAG AND I AM NOT OKAY WITH THAT. AT ALL. 

Legolas: It's okay, Ada, I'm sure that Gentle will be okay. 

Bofur: What the gold coins? Who names a deer Gentle? 

Thranduil: *huffs* ME, obviously. And his name is Lagerglos, but Legolas calls him Gentle. 

Bofur: Probably because it sounds too much like his own name. 

Legolas: Well, at least my name doesn't sound like Bat-fur

Bofur: Um. Excuse me. 

Thranduil: You're excused. Now are you going to tell us anything of consequence, or shall we sentence you to death like the rest of them? 

Bofur: WHAT? 

Legolas: He's just being dramatic again. 

Thranduil: No, I'm not. Didn't I tell you to take off that ghastly hat?

Bofur: Might've mentioned it, yeah. 

Legolas: So.....

Thranduil: Take it off. 

Bofur: How about no?

Thranduil: How about DO IT NOW OR ELSE, BAT-FUR!!

Bofur: *thinking* Um nah. 

Thranduil: Oh for the sake of all the Valar, get him away from me. Guards!

Gurads: *open doors* Yes, my King?

Thranduil: Please rid my halls of this infernally frustrating Dwarf. 

Guards: Of course. *drag him out by the hat*

Bofur: UNHAND MY HAT YOU STUPID SLENDER TREES

Legolas: Was that supposed to be an insult? 

Thanduil: I think so, yes. 

Legolas: Failed, didn't it?

Thranduil: Unequivocally.....