What Actually Happened With Thorin in Mirkwood

Bombur (or, problems with security)

Thranduil: Maeron! Aradan! 

Guards: *stepping forward* Yes, my lord. 

Thranduil: Clearly, I am not going to get anywhere with whats-his-name

Legolas: ....Thorin? 

Thranduil: Yes, that. Anyway, guards, please bring me the large one. 

Maeron (Guard): The large...what, my leige?

Thranduil: *slight irritation* The PIE! No, the dwarf, Maeron, the large dwarf...

Aradan (Guard): Sir...but...

Thranduil: But what? 

Aradan (Guard): They're all rather large. 

Legolas: *laughing* 

Thranduil: The vastest of the vast, I mean. Forgive the confusion. 

Guards: Yes, right away. *they leave*

*5 min later*

Guards: *panting* Here we are, my lord. 

Thranduil: Whatever seems to be the matter?

Maeron (Guard): He was...difficult...to subdue.

Thranduil: *disdainfully* It's a dwarf, Maeron, not a Ringwraith. 

Legolas: Ada!

Thranduil: Everybody calm down. 

Maeron (Guard): Forgive us, sir, but..

Aradan (Guard): He possessed quite a large...frying pan, my lord. 

Thranduil: A what? 

Legolas: I believe he said a frying pan. 

Thranduil: Well, that does complicate things. 

Aradan (Guard): Here he is *pushes Bombur forward*

Thranduil: Thank you. You may go. 

Guards: *bow* *leave*

Thranduil: Now, Dwarf, why were you and your company in my forest? 

Bombur: ...I'm hungry. 

Legolas: Why do they all say that? 

Bombur: Well, I am. If I could just have, say, a piece of bacon or some salt I could make a quick stew in my frying pan...

Thranduil: What's with the frying pan...?

Bombur: Its a metal vessel with a long handle used for cooking, usually over a-

Thranduil: I am perfectly aware of the nature of a frying pan, Dwarf. 

Bombur: My name is Bombur, by the way. 

Thranduil: Your name to me is of little importance. How in Arda did you get that frying pan past our security? 

Bombur: I...um...put it under my coat...

Legolas: Other than... all that stew you consume...what else do you have under that coat of yours? 

Bombur: ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Legolas: It kind of is

Thranduil: Well? 

Bombur: Well....I just...have some string and a picture of Graía and..

Thranduil: Who's Graía? 

Bombur: *turns marroon*

Legolas: AHA YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

Thranduil: That's interesting. But honestly don't care. 

Bombur:....I also have a map of Hobbiton, six old turnips, and some parsley. 

Legolas: Is that it? 

Bombur: No. Also some pepper, a few good stones, a gold coin, some dried pig's ears...

Thranduil: Pig's ears? 

Bombur: Pork is pork, is it not? 

Thranduil: It's not. 

Bombur: Anyway, I also-

Legolas: Can you not? 

Bombur: Fine. *hmph*

Thranduil: Other than discovering the intriguing contents of your...jacket...overcoat...thing, I have learned absolutely nothing. 

Legolas: I can bring the SKIN REAPER

Thranduil:......

Legolas: *runs away cackling*

Bombur:....