Balin: *storms into throne room*
Thranduil: *looks up from wood carving* Well, excuse me. This is my house, you know.
Balin: *icy tone* They said you wanted to see me?
Thranduil: Maybe....want is not the right word.
Balin: May we begin? Bofur told me you have a habit of keeping people here on purpose.
Thranduil: That's intriguing.
Legolas: *sprawled on floor on a rug* He does.
Thranduil: Legolas, get up from here. At least keep up your reputation!
Legolas: Why?
Thranduil: I WILL MAKE YOU INTO A RUG
Legolas: *gets up*
Balin: Please, do let's begin.
Thranduil: Well, well, well! A dwarf with manners. You know, I think you're my favorite so far.
Balin: *sighs* A likely story....
Thranduil: Legolas, I think I'll need a cup of tea.
Legolas: All right, all right, which kind?
Thranduil: Not huckleberry, not mint, not cinnamon spice, not eucalyptus, not rose, not camomille, not apple, not black tea, no green tea, I think I already had mango, no white tea, no roobios, no-
Legolas: ...I think that's all the teas we have...
Thranduil: *sigh* Well...I was trying to...Oh, well. GALION!
Galion: *5 min later* *runs in* Yes, my lord!
Thranduil: You look flustered. Why are you flustered?
Galion: Sir, it's a long way to run from the cellars.
Balin: *horrified* You made him run all the way from the cellars?
Thranduil: Yes, actually. In fact, I'm about to send him back. Running. Galion, fetch me a bottle of the 1342 Dorwinion?
Galion: *nods vigorously* Yes, of course. Right away! *runs out*
Balin: Thorin spoke the truth, then.
Thranduil: The truth about what?
Legolas: Oooh me can I guess?!
Balin: I guess you can guess...?
Thranduil: *rolls eyes*
Legolas: The truth about the Anduin river?
Balin: Why, what's wrong with it?
Legolas: So did I get it?
Balin:....nope.
Legolas: The truth about Aragorn and Arwen?
Thranduil: How do you know about that?!
Legolas: Elladan told me...
Balin: *sighs* No...
Legolas: The truth about Erebor?
Thranduil: Legolas, everyone knows the truth of Erebor. That it's a cavernous mountain full of money. And quite a large dragon.
Balin: It is a magnificent kingdom!
Thranduil: More like gag-nificent.
Balin: Again, do not underestimate the judgement of Thorin.
Legolas: I'm not done guessing!
Thranduil: Yes, you are. Sit down. Balin, what did Thorin say??
Balin: He speaks of you as impetous, condescending and irritating.
Thranduil: Yes, he's right.
Balin:....he is?
Thranduil: Yes. He IS all those things. I'm pleased he managed to realize it at last!
Balin: Oh, Mahal.
Thranduil: Where's my wine?
*Galion runs in on cue*
Galion: HeRe, s-sirrr? *hands him bottle of wine*
Thranduil: Whatever is the matter?
Galion: W-why are there s-so many stairssss? *laughs* Can we have a party?
Thranduil: Intoxicated, are we?
Galion: *faints*
Thranduil: Oh dear. Is he dead?
Legolas: *bored voice* I'll get him to the river....
Balin: *remembering* And Bifur said that you made him drink out of that river!
Thranduil: *irritably* Judging from past experience, Mister Balin, he did not say anything at all. Also, he's the one who drank it, nobody made him!
Balin: But you gave it to him?
Thranduil: *pouring a glass of wine* Nope. *grins*
Balin: *mutters* I'm so done with these elves.....
Thranduil: Do you know, there's so much gossip! My, my. So scandalous.
Balin: *glares* The only thing scandalous here is your attitude, Elvenking!
Thranduil: Oh dear. It seems your blood pressure is steadily rising. Maybe you need a rest?
Balin: I DON'T NEED ANYTHING!!!!
Thranduil: Clearly not. *finishes glass of wine* Now, time for the interrogation.
*********************************************************************************************
Balin: I already told you! NOBODY WAS TRYING TO KILL PEOPLE!
Thranduil: Aha! I caught you! Stop trying to kill people, it's extremely rude.
Balin: *red faced* NOT KILL! NOT!!
Thranduil: Hang them, did we? Tut, tut. *shakes head* *pours 14th glass of wine*
Balin: NOT KNOT, NOT!!!
Thranduil: Is your voice stuck? I think my voice can be stuck. Ready? Hi hi hi hi hi hihihihihihihi
Balin: Can you not?
Thranduil: HA HA NOT
Balin: I'm going to SCREAM SO LOUDLY
Thranduil: Oooh, scary. *sips wine*
Balin: ....I want to go home.
Thranduil: *sloppily gestures around* This is your home, Baleen.
Balin: ....did you just call me Baleen?
Thranduil: It does have a nice ring to it, no?
Balin: ...that's part of a whale.
Thranduil: OH WHALE! *laughs hysterically* HAHA GET IT OH WHALE???
Balin: Look who's intoxicated now, you fool.
Thranduil: There once was a Balin
Who had greviously fallen
From all of his graces
In fabulous places.
He accused the King
Of a terrible thing
Intoxication indeed!
What a ridiculous lead!
Better intoxicated
Than confiscated
And very promptly promulgated
All while extremely constipated
Then ceremoniously assasinated!!
*claps for himself*
Balin: .......................oh, dear.
Thranduil: I have one last question, young man.
Balin: I'm not a man, remember?
Thranduil: Oh, sorry. My mistake. Whale, Baleen, I have one last thing to ask.
Balin: *wearily* Yes, what is it..?
Thranduil: *lazy grin* Do you...bleach your beard?
Balin: Do I what?
Legolas: *walks in* WHO DOES WHAT?
Thranduil: Oh, hello, Leggy-Lobster! I'm talking to Baleen. Do you live in the ocean too?
Balin: I never said I lived in the ocean!
Thranduil: *gravely* Well, I've never heard of land whales.
Legolas: Okay, who let him have the Dorwinion??
Balin: Some guy.
Legolas: Ada! You are soooo drunk, okay? Just come over here and we can--
Thranduil: *raises hand*
Legolas: What?
Thranduil: Baleen has to answer my question!
Balin: You know, I've quite forgotten it!
Thranduil: Let me remind you. *tries to serve wine but Legolas takes it* Hey!
Legolas: No more!
Thranduil: Fine, fine. Balin, do you bleach your beard?
Balin: What..of course I...why would anyone do that?!?
Thranduil: I'm not sure. But it can't be that white by accident!
Balin: It's called "My father had white hair so I do too."
Thranduil: Ahh, but I bet you made that up. You can trust us, now. Did you take a cloud and stick it on?
Legolas: *bursts out laughing*
Thranduil: Shhh!
Balin: No. No, I did not. Are you done? Because I am.
Thranduil: *yawns* Oh, very well then. Guards?
Guards: Yes sir?
Legolas: Take the Dwarf away.
Guards: Of course. *leave with Balin*
Legolas: You're going to have to...
Thranduil: *snoring*
YOU ARE READING
What Actually Happened With Thorin in Mirkwood
FanfictionThorin Oakenshield and Co. show up in Mirkwood. But after being arrested, the sassy Elvenking and his son have a few words for them.
