Thranduil: *sips green tea and reads Mirkwood Daily*
Doors: *open*
Guards: U-um, uh, my King...?
Thranduil: *theatrical sigh* Yes, what?
Guard: It's time for the next interrogation, but...
Thranduil: Now? It's so.....early. Hold on, but what?
Guards: He can't talk...
Thranduil: Who can't talk?
Legolas: *appearing* The wall!
Thranduil: Be quiet. Who??
Guards: The dwarf...
Thranduil: What, why? Did he get an axe to the head or something?
Guards: .....well, actually...
Thranduil: *laughs* Nice try. Bring him in.
Guards: *shrug*
Bifur: *walks in*
Thranduil: What the Orc!
Legolas: *swallows nervously*
Thranduil: You ACTUALLY HAVE AN AXE IN YOUR HEAD?
Guards: Apparently.
Thranduil: Did I ask you?
Guards: Remember? He can't talk! Because of the....*gestures at Bifur*
Thranduil: Obviously.
Legolas: Um, hate to interrupt, but how are you going to interrogate him if he can't talk?
Guards: Some of the others...*clears throat* offered to translate...
Thranduil: Translate what? His thoughts?
Bofur: *walks in the door* Hello, lads! *tips hat*
Thranduil: Oh, no. Oh, no no no, you don't. I will not deal with you a second time.
Bofur: Well, we knew you'd need a translator! *smiles pleasantly*
Legolas: *exploding* HOW CAN YOU TRANSLATE ANYTHING WHEN HE IS UNABLE TO SPEAK???
Thranduil: Legolas, a prince never loses his temper!
Legolas: WELL OH WELL, MY KING. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE THE TEMPERAMENT OF A NEWBORN BUTTERFLY YOURSELF SO THERE!
Thranduil: No, many compare my temperament akin to that of a summer flower, blooming and swaying gently in the breeze of--
Bofur: *clears throat* Not to interrupt your...tirade...but are we starting or not?
Thranduil: Do forgive me, but I'm dying to know, what do you intend to translate?
Bifur: *shakes head*
Bofur: Oh, he say's he's not telling you anything.
Legolas: *still breathing heavily* What?! How do we know you aren't just making that up?
Thranduil: Foul! This is a foul ruse designed to lower everyone's IQs!
Bofur: Uhm, no. I just asked him.
Legolas + Thranduil:..........
Thranduil: Fine, fine. We shall commence. What were you and your entourage of dwarves doing in my woodland wonderland at approximately half-past three the other day?
Bofur: *indignantly* What Woodland Wonderland? It's like an overgrown crypt!
Thranduil: *stands up suddenly* *hisses* Did I ASK you?
Bofur: .....no....
Thranduil: Glad you got that. Mouth. Keep it shut. Anyway....What were you and your entourage of dwarves doing in my woodland wonderland at approximately half-past three the other day?
Bofur: *mutters* Having a field trip, obviously.
Legolas: Shut UP!!
Bofur: *sighs*
Thranduil: Anyway...*looks expectantly at Bifur*
Bifur: *grunts twice, grimaces, mimes walking, mimes eating, waves hands, holds invisible sword*
Thranduil: Awesome. A game of Charades.
Bofur: *pointedly* Well, I am his translator.
Thranduil: Is that even allowed? That's not allowed!
Bofur: Isn't it now?
Thranduil: *irritably* Well, what did he say?
Bofur: Well, ah, he said that.....*Bifur does the actions again* Umm... Thorin..and our company...were..walking, but we had no food..and Thorin....went to go find some.
Bifur: *mimes spiders*
Bofur: Ah, yes, but then there were spiders, and
Bifur: *mimes separating something*
Bofur:...but we were...separated...
Thranduil: *sigh* I knew it. More of WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW.
Legolas: *gloomily* I guess you'll want another tea...?
Thranduil: Yes, that would be nice. Might calm me down a bit.
Legolas: Which kind?
Thranduil: Hmmm? Anise? Yes, good. Anise tea.
Legolas: *grumbles* Yes, master...*leaves*
Bifur: *mimes drinking, grunts*
Bofur: He says he's thirsty.
Thranduil: I got that actually, thanks.
Bofur: Fine. Just fine. I'm getting kind of tired of you, you know.
Thranduil: Well, I still win. I was tired of you the moment you lot entered my dungeons!
Bifur: -__-
Legolas: Here's your tea!
Bofur: Bifur is still thirsty!
Thranduil: *elegantly sips tea* Oh, how quaint.
Legolas: Here, have stagnant water! *throws canteen of river water*
Bifur: *drinks it* *faints*
Bofur: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?
Thranduil: Legolas! What did you do???
Legolas: What?! I just got some water from the river! *smirks*
Thranduil: Legolas, the river is enchanted, remember?? Only Elves can drink it!!!!!
Legolas: Whoops.
Bofur: WHAT THE DALE???
Thranduil: Oh, Valar, why is this happening??
Bofur: I DON'T KNOW! MAYBE YOUR STUPID SON--
Thranduil: HOW DARE YOU? NOW I SHALL LEAVE HIM THERE UNTIL HE WAKES UP!!
Bofur: I doubt that.
***********5 hours and 25 cups of tea later***************
Thranduil: I cannot beleive I am wasting my day on this........
Bofur: *snoring on the floor*
Legolas: *carving arrows in the corner*
Thranduil: *sets another mug on top of a teetering stack*
Guards: *gossiping*
Bifur: *wakes up* *grunts* *looks around*
Thranduil: Wake up, Dwarf. Axe-head is stirring.
Bofur: *groggily* Eh? Oh, hi Bifur!
Legolas: There. 49.
Thranduil: 49 what?
Legolas: *satisfied* Arrows, in fact. Need any?
Thranduil: It's possible....
Bofur: Okay, can we get on with it?
Thranduil: Sure. Guards?
Guards: *look up at the same time* Yes, my Liege?
Thranduil: You may take them away now. Oh, make sure they get something to eat.
Bofur: WHAT?
Thranduil: *affronted* Well, I would think you'd be hungry! You don't have to have food!
Bofur: No, that's not what I....You made us stay here for nothing?
Thranduil: Well, Legolas accomplished something, at least. Sorry you didn't.
Bofur: So that's it then. We don't have to be here.
Thranduil: Not technically, no.
Bofur: *curses in Dvarvish*
Thranduil: Alright, then. Bye now! *cheery wave*
Bifur: *turns and walks out of the door*
Bofur: *scowls* bye.....
Guards: *push them out*
Thranduil: Legolas, who is going to wash all my cups?
Legolas: Make someone else do it!
Thranduil: Like who? You're my favorite!
Legolas: You're the king! Go find servants!
Thranduil: *sigh* But that takes too long! Please??
Legolas: *he said please* *oh my* *wow* Alright, sure. Fine. Just this once.
Thranduil: Thank you! *sits back*
YOU ARE READING
What Actually Happened With Thorin in Mirkwood
FanfictionThorin Oakenshield and Co. show up in Mirkwood. But after being arrested, the sassy Elvenking and his son have a few words for them.
