Masonic Camp

Real

 People don't understand how much I want to give into the temptation. Just find a invisible place on my body and scratch away until I can't bare it anymore. Stefan gave into the temptation, which makes my battle that much harder, worried about him. But, strangely I don't feel the same kind of worry and guilt as when Carolynn did it. I don't feel like I could of done something different, mostly because I know that it wasn't my fault, and I know that it he would of gave in either way. He would of left the scars whether he knew me or not. With Carolynn she told me it was because of dreams, of things she was remembering, of things she was going though. I could have done something to help her, or so I thought. With him, he tells me it's because of his ex. It's because she wants him back, but he has told her that he has me. He has chosen to push away his past and familiarity for a new and scary experience. But even knowing that I truly am his, doesn't force away the temptation.

It makes it harder to give in, but doesn't get rid of that constant want to leave another scar. Another painful memory that will haunt me. The ring? The one Stefan gave me, it's keeping my being together, it's making sure that I know I'm not alone. One simple thing that keeps a great memory is the key to my peace... hard to believe. But, I'm afraid that years from now, him and I will be nothing but a memory, hurt that neither of us wants to revisit. Inside, I'm truly shaken by the thought of not having him. Shaken by the idea of being with someone else. When I'm with him, I feel beautiful, talented, loved. Something I haven't felt in years, especially around a guy. Especially around a guy....weird to say. When I was around Carolynn I felt like trash, her personal play toy, not counting the first month. I have met plenty of other people, usually girls, where I feel beautiful, but they were my friends.

Looking up at the sky, at the night sky, the stars, the cloudless days, I feel like I can say anything and he will get the message. Not like an did you hear about so-and-so, a message like you know how much I love you, you know how you make me smile. It's hard to explain if you have never felt this way. I'll be looking up at the night sky, and think about him, and I smile. I'll look at that ring and remember his smile, his voice. I remember that kiss. I remember how he said that he'd never done anything like that before, and how I told hm that I was real, unlike the other.