Masonic Camp

Stuck In Hell

The temptation becomes stronger, and stronger as each day passes. I'm not mad at anyone particular. But, I'm pissed about having to stay here. Having to stay near everyone, everything that goes on. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in hell. All I'm doing is digging a bigger hole for myself. All I'm doing at this camp is getting closer and closer to the edge, until I finally just fall. I'm making enemies of people who aren't meant to be my enemies. I'm making myself seem meaner then I really am. The way I looked coming to this camp, and the way I'll look leaving is to different for comfort. I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm out of my territory. I don't like staying in nature this much, with no communication to the outside world. It's a fear that becomes reality for the next few years I'm at this camp. I don't belong alone. I belong surrounded by people who understand. I'm supposed to be where I can play music uninterrupted. Where I can escape to my own world, without anyone else around. I belong where my heart is. And that's music. But here at this camp... I'm in a totally different world.

My head is pounding. My soul is crying out for comfort. Comfort that I won't and can't give myself. I hold back tears, thinking about my life out of this camp. It's not as bad as it seems. I know that this is only temporary, but it's a temporary living hell, that I am forced to come back to for the next two years. I am forced to come back to a place that drives me off the dock... I am forced to be in a place where the biggest problems are created, confronted, and confined. There's no escape to the teen age out look of the world.

Music isn't enough anymore. Music isn't enough to keep my feet on the ground. Music isn't enough to keep me myself anymore. What I need is someone to love. Someone that makes me feel like I have friends, like I belong here. I know that I haven't belonged here since day one. Not the camp. Not the home. I didn't belong at Tattnall either. For the past year I haven't felt at home, and camp is one thing that makes it more noticeable then I would like it to be.