Elena's Fantasy Diaries

All My Insecurities

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to The Vampire Diaries, TV show or books. However I decided to have a little play around with the characters (I would definitely like to play with Damon).

Dear Diary

It's official, I HATE REBEKAH MIKAELSON! And right now, I'm really really mad at Damon!

DAMON SLEPT WITH REBEKAH!

Deep breaths, I know he did it to get back at me, despite what he says. He said it was nothing to do with me. I say bullshit! It had everything to do with me (or I hope it did). I admit I hope it is to do with me and not because I've left it too late and he's fallen for Rebekah (despite him being in favor of her dying). I say leaving it too late, but I don't know what too late is for yet. I just need more time.

It's not like I want to date him. He didn't cheat on me. But it felt like he had. It was horrible. I've never been so jealous in my life. I never got jealous of Stefan or Matt being around other women. But with Damon I do. I remember wanting to scratch Andie's eyes out. Now I feel guilty for that. At least she was genuinely interested in having a relationship with Damon and it wasn't for any vindictive reason.

Now I'm not saying the reason Rebekah slept with Damon was purely for vindictive reasons. You don't need one of those for an excuse to want to spend the night with Damon. He's oozes sex appeal, and he knows it.

I just don't understand why I get so jealous when Damon is around other women. I love Stefan. I can't love them both. My feelings for Damon are very different from what they are for Stefan. He just consumes me. I keep thinking it's just some stupid teenage crush. It can't be anything more than that because there's no way you can love two people at the same time. I know I care about him as a friend. And yes he is the sexiest man or vampire alive. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with him. It's lustful feelings towards a really hot friend who happens to be my ex-boyfriends brother.

Speaking of ex-boyfriend, Stefan is becoming more like his old self. He says he doesn't have feelings for me but I can see the hurt in his eyes. I still love him, even after everything he's done. Or at least I think I do. This is why I know that my feelings for Damon must be an infatuation. I mean how could I get into a relationship with Damon? We'd constantly fight and argue. Admittedly I like the idea of being free to do that with Damon. I wouldn't have to mind my tongue or try to be perfect with him. But it comes with a price, a high one, because he's too volatile. Every time something doesn't go right, he does something stupid, like sleep with Rebekah. I don't need that to worry about right now. I mean, how could I trust him after he did what he did with her?

My friends would hate me. Stefan would hate us both, and that's not fair on either one of them.

If Stefan comes around, everyone will expect me to go back to him, including my friends and probably Damon himself. I'm not ready to make that decision yet, in fact I don't think I'll ever be truly ready. If I go back to Stefan I will always wonder 'what would or could have been' with Damon. I am now beginning to understand Katherine. In fact I'm becoming a version of her, something I'd promised myself I never would.

God damn you Damon for being so adorable when the mask is dropped!

I just keep thinking if only I could have just one night with Damon. So that we can be free and real together, but it could never be more than that. No matter what we feel for each other, a relationship with each other is not a possibility.