Elena's Fantasy Diaries

The Stripper

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to The Vampire Diaries, TV show or books. However I decided to have a little play around with the characters (I would definitely like to play with Damon).

Warning for explicit sexual content and bad language and spanking.

Dear Diary

What the hell is going on? What is wrong with me?

So much for no more dreams about Damon.

I took a couple of weeks away from school to adjust to drinking blood from the vein. Matt has been kind enough to let me drink from him, although I don't think that's going to happen again. I nearly killed him last night. Luckily Damon stopped me just in time. He's going to teach me how to 'snatch, eat, erase.'

I went back to school today and Rebekah managed to piss me off in about five seconds. She invited everyone to a house-warming party. I decided to get revenge for her killing me and pissing me off. So I went to the party. That was a bad idea.

You see the reason it was a bad idea is because we had a vampire hunter in town. He Venom-jacked from Tyler and spiked the keg of beer at Rebekah's party with it. Stefan didn't touch the beer, but I did and nearly died from having werewolf venom in my system. Luckily Klaus was feeling generous (although I know he's up to something) and gave me his blood. Later Damon and Klaus killed the vampire hunter.

He's the killer part. In my last diary entry I said I'd try and initiate sex with Stefan and just imagine it was Damon? When I did initiate sex with Stefan, I had werewolf venom in me and instead of imagining Damon, I began to hallucinate Damon in Stefan's place. When I asked hallucination Damon, or my subconscious, why I was dreaming about Damon, he said it was because I was more like him than I was like Stefan. I know it's what my subconscious is telling me, and deep down I know it's right.

The knowledge was especially highlighted today when after the party and before we found out I was infected by werewolf venom, Stefan decided to take me out and have 'fun' on his bike. Don't get me wrong it was fun, but it's not how I want to have fun for eternity. It felt a little immature. I'd have loved it before Stefan disappeared with Klaus, but I've grown up a lot since then. I know I wanted to get back what Stefan and I once had, but the expectations of a fun time I wanted back then aren't the same as what I want now. Admittedly for a moment when I was stood on the back of the bike I felt free. But it wasn't the type of freedom I was looking for, it was the freedom of no longer being the one who constantly needs saving because I'm the doppelganger. I guess being a vampire has one good side. But I still didn't feel free to be myself.

You see, I'm beginning to think Stefan is having difficulties with me being a vampire, simply because he is used to having to look out for me. That freedom I now have without having to be watched every five minutes just in case of the big bad coming specifically after me has gone. But he's still trying to protect me. It's suffocating at times. Plus. he doesn't look at me the way he used to. I can't put my finger on it. I know when he was human and found out Katherine was a vampire, he no longer wanted anything to do with her even though he claimed to be in love with her. Does he feel the same way about me? I wouldn't have thought it mattered because he's a vampire too, but I was part of his humanity. Am I no longer good enough because I'm a vampire?

As I said earlier, Stefan and I tried to have sex. He certainly did not like my attempts to be sexually dominant. I wanted to feel my strength, and because I'm drinking human blood, I'm slightly stronger than Stefan. Instead Stefan wanted to be in charge. Was he always like this? I can't remember, because I always went along with what he wanted and never pushed for what I wanted to do. Is sexual suppression such a thing? Maybe that's the reason I've spent so many nights dreaming about Damon over the last year. Is my heart telling me he is what I need to break free and be myself?