Transparent [Kellic]

6. Skype

Kellin's p.o.v:

"And then Jaime dumped his apple sauce in Vic's hair! Oh he was so mad..." I trail off, chuckling lightly at the memory.

"Hmmm...you talk about Vic a lot" Justin retorts in a half sad half jealous tone. As you can probably tell, Justin is the jealous type. But who isn't now a days?

"Do I?" I ask, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck.

"Yeah" the other boy mumbles, glancing down at the ground.

"I'm sorry J, I guess I didn't notice. What about you, any girl catch your eye lately?"

"I really like this one girl, but she doesn't like me like that, plus I'm pretty sure she likes another guy anyway."

"What's her name?"

"Eh, don't worry about it, she's not that important. Anyway how's your dad?"

"Same as he always is." I shrug.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, he's been more grumpy than usual and I don't know why. I would ask him about it, but I don't really care."

Justin laughs at that, he knows how much I resent my dad, so instead of telling me to try and work things out with him or give the man a chance, he just agrees with me whenever I say he's an asshole or a bad dad.

Justin's been over to my old house plenty times before and he knows what my dad is like. He doesn't like him either which is why it's so easy to joke around about my dad with him.

"I hope he gets better. I mean, that man is the definition of asshole." Looking over his shoulder, he quickly turns back to me with a sigh. "Hey man, I gotta go. Make sure you tell Vic your my boy. Bye, I love you!" He rushes out with a smile on his face.

"Bye, Justin, love you too."

Closing my laptop with a sigh, I lean back on my chair and look up at my popcorn ceiling. Nothing interesting about it in anyway shape or form, but when you're thinking about things some how it just magically is, because you don't care anymore, you're not focused on the damn ceiling, you're focused on your thoughts and that's all.

I never trust my mind to wonder, I always try to keep myself busy so I'm distracted and I don't think about stuff, because while sometimes my brain can take me to good places like thinking about Justin or my new friends in San Diego, my brain can also take me to bad places, making me feel Dysphoric about my body, or just making me feel shitty about myself in general.

But this time my brain took me to thoughts about my mom of all people.

I miss her.

I miss having dumb conversations and laughing until we can't breathe or having deep conversations that make you cry, which you really just need sometimes. I miss her and her silly faces she makes, the dumb things she says in public that definitely should not be said in public.

Sure my dad is the one who technically took me away from her, but it's really me I should be blaming. I'm the one who wanted a fresh start and move somewhere new, but I didn't want to go this far away from her.

I mean we're sixteen hours away from Oregon, so maybe it's not that bad, but it's still too far from my own mother.

It almost feels like I've been kidnapped in a way. Being forced away from my mom and living with someone I'm scared of, staying in my room all day in fear of upsetting him some how.

Though maybe I'm just over reacting. My dad says I do that some times, but to be fair I don't really trust anything my dad says. He likes to bend the truth to make sure he's always right about everything, making up fake stories to really convince you that he's the one that's right and not you. It's actually pretty pathetic and frustrating.

I also miss hearing the right pronouns from at least one of my parents. Sure she wasn't perfect at it and would slip up from time to time and accidentally say "she" but my mom always corrected her self afterwards. She was trying her best and that's all I needed, just for my parents to at least try.

It's not like that in this household though. My dad doesn't try. It feels like someone stabbing me in the gut each time he misgenders me. Sure it hurts when strangers look at me and know I was born female and misgender me without a second thought, but it hurts so damn much when it's your own dad.

It makes me rethink things sometimes. Is being out really worth all this trouble? People treating me like some fucking mutant that came out of the sewer, like it's so unnatural to just want to be who you really are.

It makes me think that maybe I shouldn't have come out, that it would have just been easier to stay in the closet and just put on dresses and wear make up like everyone around me wants.

It makes me wish that I was just born in the right body. That I could have a flat chest like every other guy, and like the things I like without people telling me that I can't like it because I'm a girl.

I just want to be normal...

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Question of this chapter:

What's your favorite song right now?

Short ass chapter because it's just a filler oops. Also I've been feeling dysphoric as hell lately, so I kinda just wanted to rant a little and get things off my chest.