I'm An Assassin, Not Your Mate. (UNFINISHED)

chapter 26

It's been a year since I've left him. I'm different now. He wouldn't even recognize me. I'm worse than I was even before I met him. I'm even more ruthless and cold. Sometimes I even scare Sophie. And I can't even bring myself to feel bad for doing so. I know she's heartbroken at who I've become. I heard her talking to Collin once, about how I was empty and my eyes were soulless now. She's terrified for me. And probably of me. She doesn't understand though. If I care, I'll break. I can't even bring myself to say his name because I know what it would do to me. Bring the breakdown I'd been fighting off for so long.

My life consists of going on assignments, then coming back to the house and sleeping the rest of the time away. I don't smile, I don't laugh, and I don't care. It's a system.

I stopped working for the agency. Well not really stopped, but I'm more of a freelancer these days. Going to the highest bidder. I told the director to take my team. I worked alone now but their skills shouldn't be wasted.

It hasn't gotten better. The pain in my chest I mean. But I've gotten better at ignoring it. I've built up so many walls, built them so high, that even I don't think he could get through these days.

He's come close to catching me, multiple times in fact. I can honestly say I'm surprised. I'd thought he would have given up by now. He's determined, I'll give him that. But no matter how determined he is, and no matter how good the guys he sends are, I'll always be better, I'll always be one step ahead. It helps that I still have the feeds to the listening devices I set up in his office on the night of the bonfire so long ago. It's helped me stay one step ahead. I couldn't be caught.

I couldn't afford for him to find me. I don't know who it would be harder on, him or me. He'd be furious that I'd left him just after he saved me. He'd want me to come home with him and when I refused, he'd be crushed and then would probably drag me back with him anyway. But he'd still be in love with me, no matter how angry he was. It's just how he was.

Me? Well he'd do his best to break down those walls I built up and if he did I'd feel things again. Things I didn't want to feel. I know he'd be ashamed of who I'd become today. No, that's a lie. He'd always accept me for who I am. I'm the one who would be ashamed. Ashamed of how I'd let him down and ashamed of the monster I'd become.

Because that's what I really was now, a monster. I killed for the highest bidder. Didn't care who the target was. Didn't care if it was some innocent. Didn't care if they had a family. I just didn't care. In leaving him I lost myself. 

I was outside sitting on the back porch one evening. The sun was setting and this was probably one of the only times I let myself feel some sort of emotion. Just being outside and watching the sky change colors, it felt calming. Well it did, until Sophie ran out panting and gasping for air as if she'd just run a marathon.

Immediately I was on alert. Just because I shut off my emotions didn't mean I wouldn't watch out for her and those who were here. Even though I avoided talking to her most days, Sophie was still considered family.

"What's wrong?" I asked standing up, hand on gun ready for action.

"He's coming." She panted, bent over hands on knees, bracing herself. Good lord, I thought. She's a werewolf. How can she be this out of shape. 

"Who?" I asked scanning the property line.

"Tristan." She said cringing as my gaze sliced through her.

"What?" I hissed.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know!" She held her hands up in surrender as if she thought I'd hurt her. And I have to admit, that almost hurt. Almost.