Bad Boy Knows My Secret (BxB)

12 - I'm So NOT Into You

"So, Jesse, what are your plans for the future?" Maura Wilson asked during the dinner she arranged after she and her husband returned from their trip.

I bet she was surprised when she saw me in here, but she wasn't rude or anything. Actually she was quite nice. Her husband Peter was preparing for mayor's elections campaign and unfortunately he wasn't able to join us for this occasion.

Maura was sitting right in the front of the table, on her left there was Andrew and on her front Sofia. I was sitting right beside her. Andrew insisted for us to sit on the same side but her mother protested and made him sit beside herself. I suppose that was because she hadn't seen her son for a while.

"Um, I'm not exactly sure yet." I answered honestly.

"Really? But there's isn't that much time left, you know, so you should start thinking about that soon." Maura replied with a concerned look on her face.

I guess she was right. I had to think about that kind of stuff already. In fact I did think about it for a while. When I was younger I used to ask my teachers about the new professions so I would expend my options but every time I did something like that, they'd answer me that I didn't have to worry about that kind of stuff yet, that I had a lot of time and it was too early for me to even consider. Maybe they were just too lazy to explain.

Well now it's time and I have no idea how I'll handle that problem. Actually one of the reasons why I can't solve the issue is because there are a lot of other factors to consider. Like my sexual orientation. I don't want to be hiding constantly from everyone because I'm too scared so I wanted to go away from my hometown as far away as possible. But I also have no idea where to go. I was so stressed about the fact that I was gay that I couldn't even think about my future profession. Every time I did my mind would just remind me of how unlucky I was and how I'd never have the life I wanted.

If I stayed in this town my parents would surely find me some nice girl and marry me to her. But that's definitely not what I want. I'm also not that great at adopting new situations or environments so moving out from my house and going somewhere where no one's ever seen my face is equally as terrifying for me. My social anxiety definitely doesn't help with that. Every time I imagine being in this huge world all by myself it scares the hell out of me, so I back out.

Even though All I ever wanted from this cursed town was to get away from it as far away as I could, it seems that I wasn't completely sure about my feelings. I though leaving would be the easiest decision of my entire life, I mean that's what I wanted ever since I truly discovered myself but I couldn't help but feel terrified.

What was the future holding for me? Would I be this lonely forever? Would I ever experience how it felt like to be loved?

I know that my friends love me and I appreciate it but that's not the kind of love I'm talking about right now. I want something more than that. I want intimate love, the kind of one that drives your heart to the point that it's about to explode.

Maybe I'm asking for way too much. Maybe I'm being too greedy. Maybe I should be happy with what I already have. Maybe I don't deserve all that. Maybe... maybe no one will ever truly love me.

All this thoughts terrify me and I try to avoid thinking about them because it makes me even more sad and depressed. I know that's not the healthiest way to deal with your mental issues but what else can I do. I can't share my thoughts with anyone, I can't be open about them.

I almost ended my life because I was so sad and that'll surely scar me for the rest of my existence. That was a huge mistake from my part and I'll probably never be able to forget how miserable I was. That moment near the lake, when I decided to jump, became the most embarrassing part of my memories. I feel like I disappointed so many people but at the same time I was also in a bad place.