Bad Boy Knows My Secret (BxB)

25 - Don't Give Up

"That's awful, but I hope this doesn't mean that you want to try it again. You do know that suicide is never an answer, right?"

"Yes, of course I know that, but what happened to that lady just reminded me how I felt at that night and I just wanted to talk. I'm obviously not trying to kill myself but I can't help to feel a little strange. I mean, I barely even knew that person and she wasn't even someone I liked but when I heard about what she did I just felt this weird sadness and I can't explain exactly why I feel this way because it just doesn't make sense."

"It's probably because people like us can relate to her. We've been in a similar situation as her so it's only natural that you feel this way."

"Yeah, I get that but I thought that I already put all that behind me. I thought that suicide couldn't affect me any longer because I knew I didn't want to do it anymore. I thought that I was already over that but it seems like I was wrong."

"Listen, it's not like how you think. You can't just toss your emotions in the trash and move on with your life. That's not how it works. It's been almost 2 years since my last attempt and some things still trigger my memory and remind me of how desperate I felt when I decided to commit suicide. But it's okay to feel weak, it's okay that you need help. Don't just hold everything in yourself because being alone is not your strength. That will only make matters worse so if you ever feel like you need to talk about it just go to someone you trust or you can call me anytime you want. You need to remember that you're not the only one who feels like that and there are people who experience the same or even worse. But the only way you can move on is to share your pain with others. I know how hard that may sound to you but it's something you have to do."

"So then when will I be able to finally forget about that horrible night?"

"I'm going to be honest with you, I don't think that you'll ever be able to forget. Because it is part of who you were. You felt that way and it's time that you accept that. But that doesn't mean that you have to feel bad. No, quite the opposite actually, because when you'll finally be able to embrace the fact that you've moved on, I think, then you'll finally feel at ease. It's not something that you'll be proud of but it is something that really happened to you so don't just shut your emotions out and realize that you don't feel the same way anymore."

"But I'm so embarrassed and I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I'm ashamed that I even considered doing something like that but at the same time I feel sorry for myself and others like me because I know how hard life can be sometimes."

"Yes, of course, I understand that. But that doesn't mean that you should give up, even when everything seems so hopeless you should always remind yourself that there is always another way."

"I know, but it's hard. Especially when everyone and everything is against me. Sometimes I feel so lonely and depressed, and the worst thing is that I can't even be honest to my loved ones."

"I'm sure if you would just explain to them they'd definitely understand."

"You don't know them as well as I do and I guarantee that they would never ever understand."

"Well, if you don't feel safe enough to tell them about your orientation then don't. It's your choice to do that and no one else's. But you have to let that anger and pain out of your system or something bad will happen. You have to take care of your mental health and that should be your first priority right now."

"I'm fine, I don't usually feel this way, today was an exception."

"You're wrong. You might feel like you're fine at this moment but that doesn't mean you've moved on. Flashbacks may still come back and some things may trigger your consciousness. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that please do not ignore the signs. If you ever feel like that again you have to go and get professional help."

"Yeah... okay. Um... I have to go now, the bell just rang."

"Alright, you can call me anytime you need. I'm always ready to listen."

"Thank you, bye."

I hung up the phone and put it in the pocket.

Oh, you might be wondering, who the person that I was talking to was. Well, to be honest, I don't actually know that person in real life. I met him online after my suicide attempt. I was looking for some help because I felt like no one I knew understood my pain. So I decided that it would be best if I shared my experience with the people who actually tried to kill themselves just like me.

I know, I haven't said much about my after traumatic experience and how I managed to deal with it because I felt so ashamed that I didn't even want to talk about it. But as my online friend suggested it will get better if I talk about it and I guess he's not totally wrong.

Anyhow, back to reality. I have to go to my first class now. Yay!

Ugh, I hate school! I mean who doesn't, but now I hate it more than ever. I feel like everyone's just watching me ever since I went to that party with Andrew and that dumb-ass bitch Violet threw me in the pool.

Oh, speaking of Violet, I wonder how she's doing. After all, her mother was the one who killed herself so she must be devastated. I was looking for her earlier but I couldn't find her anywhere. I guess it's not that surprising that she didn't come to school after what happened to her mom.

Poor girl must be devastated. Wait, what am I saying, she's a stupid whore. But she's probably traumatized now so I should give her a break.

Oh, I almost forgot, last night I thought that I saw her near the hotel where her mom committed suicide. I didn't get a chance to actually ran after her so I'm not even sure if it was her or not.

I mean, if we're speaking logically, why would she be there? So I guess, I must have been wrong.

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Great news, we've reached 1k reads, YAY! This is so amazing, thank you all who decided to read this story, I'm very grateful and appreciate it.

And sorry about how short this chapter actually is but I definitely wanted to speak about suicide prevention because I didn't really get a chance to talk much about it in the beginning when Jesse tried to kill himself and I always felt like it needed more. Now I took a chance and tried to showcase one of the ways of how someone who suffers with depression or any sort of mental illness can help themselves.

I hope this will encourage those who had suicidal thoughts to speak up and get the help that they need before it's too late. I'm not a professional so I may not be right about everything that I said but I tried my best so I hope it was at least a tiny bit helpful.