kaitlynn rose // h.s

roses

Before I could even think about flying back to California, I had one more person to visit.

As I parked the rental car along the road, I could feel my hands start to shake. This shake was normal though, and I could tell it wasn't leading to a panic attack.

I grab the flowers that are in the front and climb out into the cold December air. I take a deep breath as I start onto the pathway. I knew where I was going all too well. After a minute, I come to a stop at my mothers grave. I sit down next to the headstone, brushing it off and laying the roses on top of it.

"Hey, momma," I breathe out, my breath causing a cloud to form in the air. I feel my eyes well up with tears.

When I used to come here, I'd sit here and talk about everything going on. I know it can seem weird to some people, but it's always been a way for me to connect with her and to get everything off my chest.

For the first time since she died, I didn't have a lot to say.

Before Harry, I didn't have anybody to talk to about my anxiety. Sure, Erin was a great friend and a great listener. Harry has found a way to completely understand what's going on in my head, though. Before Harry, my mom was the one who I poured my heart out to. I guess now that he's part of my life, I don't have as much to rant about.

I stare at her name and try to ignore the cold nipping at my skin through my layers of clothing. I knew the roses would die, but I didn't care. She loved roses. She told everybody that my middle name was after my aunt, but I've always been convinced that it was a coincidence and she actually chose it because of the flower. I've had people tell me that my middle name is basic and I've had people ask if it makes me hate roses. I love my middle name. I love roses. I love my mother, who loved roses. I don't think I could ever not like them because of how much she loved them.

My phone vibrates in my pocket after I've been sitting there crying for a few minutes. I pull my glove off and take it out of my pocket, sniffling before hitting answer and bringing it up to my ear. Normally I would never answer in this kind of situation, but it was Harry and if I sent the call to voicemail he would've thought something was wrong.

"Hey," I mumble into the speaker.

"Hey, Kaitlynn."

"Not to rush this, but do you need something? Or can I call you back?"

"Yes I need something, but first I need to know why you're crying."

"How could you tell?"

He laughs lightly. "Babe, I know you. I know you and I know when something is wrong. Your voice is shaky and I can hear you sniffling. What's going on?"

"I'm with my mom," I say quietly, picking at the grass under my knee. "I'm alright. Can I call you back a little later?"

"Oh," he mumbles. "Yeah. Of course you can. I love you and I'll talk to you later."

"Love you too," I sigh. "Thanks for understanding."

We bid goodbye and I slip my phone back into my pocket once I've hung up.

After a few more minutes of sitting there, I hear a car pull up to the road. I turn and watch silently as my dad climbs out of the car.

What the hell?

He walks over to me slowly and sits down next to me.

"Hi, Kaitlynn Rose."

"Hi," I mutter. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I came to check up on you," he sighs. "But I also came to talk to you without your siblings hiding around the corner to listen."

I can't help but laugh lightly. Maddy and Aiden had been walking on eggshells around my dad and I this past week. "I'm alright. What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I wanted to apologize," he sighs again and reaches forward to run his finger along mom's headstone lightly. "I should have never brought her up the way that I did. I should have never asked you to step up to help like you were her, either. I understand that you were always closer with her and that you two had a tight bond, and I should have never even thought about saying the things that I did. I didn't realize how much you've been hurting lately until you were drunkenly apologizing to me in the car. I'm so sorry for adding more pressure on you, Sunshine."

"I was closer with her because I knew I wasn't always going to have her," I mutter, tears falling down my cheeks again. "I never meant for you to feel like I didn't love you just as much. I'm sorry that I did. I guess sometimes I forget that I'm not the only one that lost her."

I lean my head on his shoulder and he wraps an arm around me. "I forget that too. And then I look at you and see so much of her in you. I think that's why I kept asking you to come home. Maybe I'm just clinging onto the idea that those two kiddos need their mother, so I asked for the next best thing."

"Of course they need their mother," I fight back a sob and he rubs my shoulder. "But they need you even more. I get that it's hard, dad, I do. I think that maybe you just need to talk with them. Make them remember who mom is and was, but make sure they know you, too."

"She'd be so proud of you, Kaitlynn Rose. She'd be proud of what you're doing and who you've become. I know for a fact that she'd be so happy that you have Harry in your life. I know I am."

"Thanks, dad."

//

"Are you really leaving already?"

I smile at Aiden as he pouts at me. "Come here, you dork."

He wraps his arms around me and I squeeze him tight.

"You made things feel normal around here again. Please don't leave."

We sit on his bed and I look at him with a frown. "Well, I have to leave, but I think you three will be just fine. You just need to make sure to listen to dad, and listen to Maddy. I get that it's frustrating living in this tiny apartment and sharing a room with your 11 year old sister, but it's not always going to be like this. And when it gets bad, just communicate with her. She may not show it, but she loves you and looks up to you. She'll understand if you're in here and need some space, just like you would if she was the one who needed space."

"You make it sound so easy," he huffs.

"It's not, but it's possible and that's what matters. And you have an older sister to call and rant to whenever you need to. I'm always just a phone call away. And mom is with you always, no matter where you are."

He bites his lip and nods. I know how hard it is being a teenager, especially in today's society, and I hated that he was in this situation. Because as much as I was going through with dad, this kid was living it everyday.

"Thanks, Kaitlynn," he mutters. "Go be awesome in college. I'll miss you, I guess."

"You guess?" I laugh. "Get over your teenage self for a second and admit you love your big sister."

He wraps an arm around me to hug me. "Don't have to get over myself to admit that. I love you and I love you being here. I feel like you're the only one that gets it."

"I think dad understands everything a little better now, so you should be better off. But if not, just call me like I said."

"I will. Will you bring Harry next time you come home? He's really cool."

A laugh falls from my lips as I stand to pack up the rest of my things. "No promises, but I suppose I'll try. I will pass on the message that you think he's cool, though."

"No, don't do that! It'll make me seem lame."

"You're my younger brother. You are lame."