kaitlynn rose // h.s

new years eve

kaitlynnrose: chasing the sun. hi, 2019. ♡

"Cheers to 2018, because even if it was kind of a shitty year, it brought me you," Harry smiles, holding up his glass towards me.

I smile like an idiot and meet his glass with mine. "Such a sap. To 2018."

We both take a drink and I take a step forward to cuddle up to him. We were getting ready to leave the house, but we'd decided to have a very small glass of champagne before leaving. Once we've finished our drinks, Harry grabs his keys and wallet. I follow him to the door after grabbing my sweater and phone.

"You put everything in the car earlier, yeah?"

I nod my head and skip over to the passenger side of the rover. Harry climbs into the drivers side as I'm getting comfortable in the passenger seat. I pull a blanket from the back and cuddle up with it happily.

We drive for a few hours before Harry pulls into the drive of a beach house. He'd rented it out for us for the night so we could be out of the city and not around all of the New Years parties and such. Also, spending a day and a night on the beach never sounds like a bad idea.

Together we get everything inside and get settled. Once that's done, Harry takes my hand and leads me towards the back door. Since we'd left his house later in the afternoon, the sun was starting to set. The view of the beach from the back porch was incredible. The sky had so many pretty colors.

I go back inside and grab my sweater, slipping it over my head as I go back out to him. He's leaning against the railing when I get back over to him, but backs up so he can pull me in front of him.

"It's so pretty," I mumble as a lean against his chest. "Thanks for bringing me here, bub."

"'Course, babe," he mutters before pressing a kiss to the back of my head. "I love you. Thank you for coming with me."

We take some food and champagne out closer to the water. Harry lays a blanket down for us and sits down before patting the spot next to him. I curl up next to him happily. For the first time in what feels like a very long time, there isn't a trace of anxiety in my mind or body. For the first time in ages, the floaty feeling that I feel isn't from a panic attack, it's from happiness.

"I hate to sound like I'm in a rom com, but I really wish that I could live in this moment with you for forever."

Harry glances over at me with a smile, reaching up and pushing my hair behind my ear so it's not flying in my face anymore. "Why hate to sound like a rom com? Rom coms are fantastic."

"Not the point of that statement, Harry," I roll my eyes, laughing lightly.

"I know," he tells me quietly, giving me a smirk. "I know. I'm so happy that you're happy. I love you."

We eat and then push our things behind us. I lay on my stomach and face the ocean, taking a deep breath as I rest my chin on my hands.

"You know," Harry starts as he lays down on his back next to me, turning his head to look at me. "I never properly thanked you."

"Thanked me? For what?"

He furrows his eyebrows as he thinks for a second. "For not giving up on me. And on us. If I had been in your shoes when I was constantly pushing away the idea of us dating, I would have given up."

He breaks our stare, looking up at the sky instead.

"But you saw something that I didn't, and if it wasn't for that I don't know where I'd be right now. I'd probably be passed out drunk in my childhood bedroom. I'd be past what my body could take. With my mum sitting in the living room wondering if she needed to drive me to the hospital or to rehab or..."

Harry trails off, taking a deep breath.

"With my mum sitting in the living room wondering what she'd done wrong. Wondering if I was going to go over the edge and take myself out of her life for forever. So thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for teaching me how to be the real me."

I scoot closer to him and push his hair back gently. "After my mom died, I had such severe stress and anxiety for weeks that my dad had to take me to the ER when I fell asleep because I was throwing up and on the verge of passing out every single day. I was shaking nonstop for days. My heart felt like it was going to beat its way to the moon. When I woke up as they were taking me to the back, I was angry with him. After they ran some tests and gave me an IV, my dad came back to sit with me. He told me that he was worried that I would kill myself..."

I trail off, taking a deep breath. I've never talked about this before outside of therapy.

"For awhile, I thought I might too. So not in the same context but... I get it. Feeling like you've failed the people in your life to the point where they're worried that they're going to lose you... there's not a worse feeling or a more terrifying feeling. I don't think I could ever watch somebody going through something and not try to help in some way. What started out as getting to know you led to so much more and I'm so happy that it did."

"It got that bad for you? That he thought... that you... I didn't realize it was that bad, Kait. Whenever you talk about the problems that you had it makes me feel like an ass for thinking that my problems are a big deal."

"Problems are unique to the person who is defining the word problem," I reply quietly, running my fingers through his hair again. "And usually, no two people will define it the same way. The way I look at it, we were both really fucked up for a good portion of our life, but thanks to that shit portion, we're stronger. And in a weird way, it's the reason we're both here together. It's the reason I was that awkward girl at your party, and it's the reason you wanted to hide away at your party."

Harry smiles at me and pulls me towards him until I'm completely on top of him. "You really gotta stop being so wise and shit, you keep making me fall even more in love with you."

I match his smile and wind my fingers into his hair absentmindedly. "As much as I hate looking back at the struggles I've had, they've taught me so much. Sorry for turning that and kinda making it about me."

"Don't be sorry, babe. We're talking. You didn't turn anything. I think you should write a book about everything you've been through. You've got such an incredible mind. M'sure it'd be easy for you to write all of it out."

I roll my eyes and scoff. Easy. "Maybe in 2020. If Kanye is really running for president, then anything can happen." (authors note: yikes this didn't age well)

"How about we focus on 2019 for right now. I don't even want to think about the leaders of this country."

"Yeah. 2019," I nod. "With you by my side, I have a feeling that it's going to be a good year. I love you."

"Me too. I love you, Kaitlynn."