Casual Affair [Ryden]

Chapter 1

Brendon

"Why are you still thinking about him, Bren? He makes you feel like shit all the time. He left you, remember? Maybe it's time that you let him go too..." Sarah whispers in my ear while she plays with my hair a little. I sigh and bite my lips. Sarah is right. I should let him go. But I've tried to ban him from my thoughts for four years now, and it didn't work. I can't forget Ryan. He was my best friend. Actually he was more than that. I fell for him like a shooting star. When he came in my life, I knew things would change. He was always so sweet and caring... It didn't take me long to fall in love. Sarah immediately found out. I expected her to be mad at me. But she wasn't. She understood that no one can control who they like, and she knew I loved her as well. She didn't mind at all. She even laughed and said I was such an idiot because I still hadn't told Ryan.

But then, when I was about to confess my feelings towards Ryan, he told me he was going to leave Panic!. Together with Jon. Okay, I was angry with Jon... But I exploded when I understood Ryan was going to leave me. I screamed at him. I've screamed such terrible things... "You're such a worthless piece of shit Ryan! You're a pathetic whore that thinks he can screw around with everyone! Why don't you see that I love you! You're so fucking blind!  Fine, run away with Jon if that is want you want asshole! But don't come back to me if it doesn't work out! I fucking hate you! No... you disgust me." "Please Brendon I-" "NOOOO! Go away! I never want to see you again!" I pushed him away from me when he was crying and wanted to hug me to comfort both of us. I pushed a little too hard because I was so angry and he fell, looked suddenly very terrified. He scrambled up, ran away crying... It's been the last time I've seen him.

I felt so guilty when he ran away. I didn't mean the things I said. I didn't mean to push him on the floor... I didn't mean to scare him... I tried to reach him for months. I called him, I texted him... I stalked Jon to make him tell me Ryan's phone number when I realized he must have changed it. Or to give me his adress... But Jon said Ryan couldn't handle me around anymore. That I had to let go of him... I stopped trying to contact him, but haven't been able to let go.

"Sarah I'm really sorry. You are right... I'm trying... I'm trying to let go, but it just doesn't work! I... I fucking miss him! I still love Panic! but it hasn't been the same without him..."

"I know Bren, I know..." she whispers softly and kisses my forehead.

"Let's go and sleep." Sarah says and I nod. I crawl under the blankets, against Sarah. She wraps her arms around me and kisses my forehead again. The she closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep quickly. I can't. My eyes start to water when I start to think of all the beautiful moments Ryan and I shared.

I'm so sorry Ryan. If I could, I'd take everything single word back... I'd never have pushed you... Fuck Ryan I need you more than you can imagine...