Casual Affair [Ryden]

Chapter 15

Ryan

I look at Brendon as we're eating breakfast. He smiles at me and I smile back. I think about yesterday. I thought Brendon would think I'm disgusting, a whore... but he didn't... I don't understand why he still loves me. I'm a big mess, unlikely to be fixed... but he says he doesn't care. Should I believe him?

"Ry, what are you thinking of?" Brendon says and I look at him in confusion. Then I sigh and bite my bottom lip.

"Brendon?"

"Yeah?"

"I think it's time for me to tell you about my disorders..." I whisper. Brendon frowns and takes my hand.

"Are you sure babe?" He whispers and I nod. Danielle asks me if she should stay or go, but I gesture her to stay. She understands all my disorders better than I do myself, so if I say something wrong, she can help me out.

"Let's start with my OCD-"

"You've got OCD?" Brendon repeats in shock. I nod.

"Yeah I do. But I'm doing better now... it used to be really bad. Right after I left Panic!, it became so bad that Danielle had to watch me constantly. I was a complete mess... I counted everything. Seriously everything. How many times I inhaled, how many times I exhaled, how many times I blinked, the minutes of the day, the hours, the amount of times someone said my name, and a lot more... so you can imagine that it became impossible to count everything and if I forgot something, I had a huge panic attack... Danielle really helped me with that. I'm still not over it, and the more stressful I am, the more I start to count, but I've got it under control quite good now." I tell Brendon. He just nods and bites his lips, and I can see how bad he feels for me. I almost start to cry but I take a deep breath. I want to finish this now.

"I also suffer from DPD, dependent personality disorder. Well... I still don't have that under control. It has several symptoms but I suffer the most from the fear of people leaving me. That's another reason why I couldn't stand being in Panic! anymore. I was so afraid you guys would leave me, that I needed to get away myself before that would happen. Danielle is the only person I could stand, and in my worst days I couldn't even stand being in seperate rooms... now I can, but the fear of being left is still there... So... If I ever act really jealous around you... well, know that I'm afraid then." I continue. Brendon takes my hand and squeezes it.

"I won't leave you, Ryan." He whispers and I nod.

"I know... it's just the voices in ny head screaming you will..." I whisper. I look down at the table and see the slice of bread. I sigh. This one is going to be hard...

"Good there is one more thing... I also... believe me Brendon, I have it under control for about 90%, but... I also suffer from Boulimia..." I mumble. Brendon gasps and squeezes my hand more tightly.

"Why?"

"I... Voices in my head tell me how ugly I am... you know, my body is covered with scars... and... I need to be thin and handsome enough to compensate for that. I... Fuck..." I mutter and wipe away my tears. Danielle continues for me.

"He is doing really good now, but... in case you didn't notice, we don't have any weigth scales in this house, and only one mirror and the room where that mirror hangs on the wall is locked and only I've got the key, so that Ryan doesn't know how much he weighs or what he looks like. Of course he can still see his scars... so sometines when he sees them... it's some sort of trigger to stop eating and throw up everything. But even that is almost gone. He's doing really well and he is healthy again." She finishes. I don't dare to look at Brendon. Does he hate me now! Does he...

He walks over to me and pulls me into a tight hug.

"I'm proud that you're almost over that Ryan. So proud... and you're so brave for telling me all this... Thank you for your trust..." he whispers and I sob. I can't believe how sweet Brendon is.

"T-thank you..." I choke out. Danielle leaves the room, leaving us alone for a while. Brendon holds me. He strokes my back and presses a kiss on my cheek. I freeze. A kiss. Lips touching my body... I...

Oh God... He kissed me and what if he wants more and I and... and... Stop! Stop Ryan! It's just Brendon... sweet, caring Brendon...

"Oh God Ryan I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry... are you okay?" He asks me worriedly. My muscles relax and I nod. I look at him hesitantly, and then, I give him a kiss on his cheek too. I blush, my stomach almost turns around from the nervousness, but Brendon smiles at me. His eyes sparkle and he rests his head on my shoulder. I bite my lips. I did it... I gave someone a kiss, willingly... it... it sort of... feels good...