The Lonely Mountain [1]

Roast Mutton

The darkness rolled in quickly. Bombur cooked a large pot of stew and Bilbo volunteered to take two bowls to Kili and Fili. Amara sat at the base of a tree, away from the rest of the company. She was twisting one of her knives in her hands as her thoughts drifted to home. They were very close to Imladris and she knew Gandalf was right. Lord Elrond was one of the very few people in Middle Earth who would be able to tell them everything about the map. But she knew Thorin would never allow it; his hatred of Elves ran far too deep.

"I thought I told you to look after the ponies." Thorin pulled Amara out of her thoughts.

She stood as she noticed Kili and Fili stood on the edge of the campfire, looking shaken.

"We were but then we came across some mountain trolls." Fili told his uncle.

"Where?" Thorin asked as the company got to their feet and grabbed their weapons.

They followed Kili and Fili back to the clearing and saw the three mountain trolls around the fire. Some of the ponies were in a pen behind them and much to everyone's horror, the trolls had caught Bilbo and were holding him by the legs over the fire.

"Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal." They heard one of the trolls say.

Kili nodded at Amara, who unsheathed her knives, and the pair of them ran out from the tree line. They sliced one of the troll's legs and he fell to his knees.

"Drop him!" Kili yelled with a smile at the trolls.

"You what?" One of them asked.

"He said, drop him!" Amara repeated.

It threw Bilbo at Kili and Amara; Bilbo landed on Kili and knocked him to the ground. Amara ran forward and the rest of the Company charged out of the bushes yelling and brandishing their weapons. They began to fight the trolls, hacking, slashing, and hammering their legs. As the dwarves fought, Bilbo grabbed one of their knives cuts the ropes, freeing the ponies. A troll saw him and grabbed Bilbo. The dwarves stopped fighting when they saw the trolls holding Bilbo by the arms and legs.

"Bilbo!" Amara clenched her jaw as she looked for a way out of this.

"Lay down your arms, or we'll rip his off." One of the troll's told them.

Thorin looked at Bilbo in frustration and then put his sword into the ground. The others dropped their swords and weapons as well.

The trolls tied Amara, Kili, Thorin, Bombur, Oin, Gloin, Balin and Bilbo in various sized sacks. The rest of the dwarves were tied on a spit and were roasting them on the fire.

"Why bother cooking them? Let's just sit on them and squash them into jelly." The one called William said.

"They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage." The one called Bert countered.

"Ooh, that does sound quite nice." William agreed.

"Never mind the seasoning; we ain't got all night! Dawn ain't far away, so let's get a move on. I don't fancy being turned to stone." The one called Tom told the others impatiently.

"Wait! You are making a terrible mistake." Bilbo said, hearing Tom had just given him an idea.

"You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!" Dori said from on the roasting spit.

"Half-wits? What does that make us?" Bofur replied.

"I meant with the, uh, with the seasoning." Bilbo said managing to stand up in his sack and turn to face the troll's.

"What about the seasoning?" Bert asked.

"Well, have you smelt them? You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up." Bilbo said before all the dwarves started yelling at him and calling him a traitor.

"What do you know about cooking dwarf?" Tom asked.

"Shut up. Let the, uh, flurgaburburrahobbit talk." Bert yelled at Tom.

"Uh, the secret to cooking dwarf is, um-" Bilbo started.

"Yes? Come on, tell us the secret." Tom said getting impatient with the little hobbit.

"Um, yes, I'm telling you, the secret is ... to skin them first!" Bilbo said. This got major objections from all the dwarves and most of them threatened to kill him. Amara raised an eyebrow as she caught on to the hobbit's plan.

"Tom, get me the filleting knife." Bert ordered Tom.

"What a load of rubbish! I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scuff them, I say, boots and all." Tom argued. Amara and Bilbo saw Gandalf slipping behind a tree. She got to her feet earning protests from Kili as she stood on him.

"He's right! Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf! Nice and crunchy." William said picking up Bombur, still in a sack, and dangled him above his mouth and was about to eat him when Amara interrupted.

"Not that one, he's infected!" She called. Bilbo looked at her and realised what she was implying.

"You what?" Tom asked looking befuzzled.

"He's got worms in his ... tubes." Bilbo added. William dropped Bombur back into the pile of dwarves in disgust. This earned more complaining from Kili as Bombur was dropped on him.

"In fact they all have it; they're all infested with parasites. It's a terrible business; I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't." Amara said.

"Parasites, did she say parasites?" Oin asked Kili.

"We don't have parasites! You have parasites!" Kili yelled at her. Soon all of the dwarves joined in yelling about how they didn't have parasites and how Amara was a fool. She closed her eyes and sighed at the dwarves as they messed up her plan. Thorin however, finally understanding her plan, kicked Kili and Oin. Kili glared at his uncle before realising what Amara was doing.

"I've got parasites as big as my arm." Oin chimed up.

"Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!" Kili said.

Soon all the dwarves were yelling how they were riddled with parasites.

"What would you have us do, then, let 'em all go?" Tom asked.

"Well..." Amara and Bilbo said looking at each other then back to the troll's.

"You think I don't know what you're up to? These little ferrets are taking us for fools!" Tom said prodding Amara and Bilbo.

"Ferret?" Amara said in disgust.

"Fools?" Bert asked.

"The dawn will take you all!" Gandalf said appearing on the top of a rock.

"Who's that?" Bert asked.

"No idea." Tom added.

"Can we eat him too?" William asked. Gandalf stroke the rock splitting it with his staff. As soon as the sun hit the troll's they were all turned to stone. Amara sighed in relief as she managed the reach the knife in her boot and cut herself free. All the dwarves cheered but all the ones on the split still looked uncomfortable.

"Oh, get your foot out of my back!" Dwalin muttered.