Sunlight {Levi x Fem!Reader} [COMPLETE]

14: Deep Breaths

*THIS CHAPTER INVOLVES A BRIEF DISCUSSION REGARDING RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT*

  You had to remain as calm and collected as possible during your testimony in order to properly get through it. You refused to cry or show any weakness whatsoever. If you had broken down like your mind had pressured you to, you would've been there all day. Not to mention that everyone would treat you differently after sobbing like a child on the stand. You didn't need pity and you definitely didn't want it from Levi or anyone else that you worked alongside. You knew you were strong and your experiences didn't make up who were currently. You changed for the better and that's what mattered the most. There was still a long road of recovery and God knows how long that would take. Yet, you were surrounded by good people that truly cared for you and even wanted to protect you. You could feel it in your soul. You knew Levi cared about you more than most, even though he refused to admit it to himself or even you. You acknowledged that it took a lot out of you to return to those memories, but it made you feel worse for making everyone in that court room visualize everything you were saying. Knowing that hurt you more than going back to that state of helplessness.
"Y/N." You turned toward the voice and saw Eren walking towards you as you walked through the main halls of the Survey Corps headquarters.
"Hi." You replied. He could sense you didn't want to be bothered, but deep down you still wanted some type of company to keep your thoughts from ricocheting around like a pinball machine inside your head.
"Sorry, would you like to be alone?" Eren asked. You sighed, feeling bad for giving off such an impression towards him.
"Kind of, but also not at all." You looked over at him and saw the confused expression on his face. You found it in yourself to laugh.
"It's hard to explain. If I truly didn't want company, you know I'd be the first person to tell you to fuck off." You explained. He smiled a bit at your banter, relieved to see that you at least seemed to be okay after the court hearing.
"That's true." Eren seemed to have an overwhelming urge to hug you, but resisted; understanding your boundaries and clearly hating being pitied.
"Eren, if this is awkward for you we can just talk at another time. I don't mind at all." You assured him of his worry.
"That's probably a good idea. How'd you know I was so nervous?" Eren questioned, curious as to how he was so transparent after he approached you.
"It's a typical reaction after someone just explained to an entire courtroom of people that they were forced into sex trafficking for several years." You bluntly mentioned. Eren averted his eyes from yours. You exhaled through your nose.
"Eren, it's okay. Don't worry about it. It's all over now." You reassured him once again, hating the fact that he was so down in the dumps over what you had disclosed in front of everyone.
"You're right. You're really strong, Y/N. I admire that very much. I'll talk to you another time." Eren continued, briefly commending you. You revealed a lighthearted smile.
"See ya, Jaeger." You waved at him as he headed down the hall, opposite of you. You proceeded down the hall towards your bedroom. Waiting at your door was Levi. You were happy to see him at first, though, after looking at the expression harbored across his face, your happiness had dissipated. You weren't in any mood to argue with him after the day you had and he could tell almost immediately after you approached him.
"Hello." He spoke plainly, sensing that you were about to hear a mouthful from him as he faced you. You rolled your eyes suddenly and began to speak before him.
"Look Levi, I don't know what you came here for, but I'm gonna let you know that if you're only here to scold me over what I said in the courtroom, keep walking." You sternly proclaimed to Levi, exhausted. He sighed, showing you that he wasn't planning on debating about anything.
"That was my intention and I'm not leaving." Levi replied. You huffed, becoming aggravated.
"You better get those legs movin'." You cleared a path for Levi, gesturing for him to walk away. You clearly weren't in the mood, and even though he could tell, he still wasn't budging.
"I'm here to keep you company." Levi replied with a tiny smile. Your emotions lightened up and your chest felt heavy. As you sucked in air, it felt like there was a blockage, stopping you from truly feeling at ease in that moment.
"I don't think that's a good idea." You mentioned, wanting to avoid a breakdown.
"I know. I'm really agitated with what you said, but what you need right now is to be accompanied by someone to get your mind off things." Levi explained. You smiled, knitting your eyebrows with an appreciative expression shaded across your face.
"Thank you." You then allowed Levi into your bedroom.
"That took a lot of courage, what you did." Levi complimented suddenly.
"I don't really see it that way. I just admitted all the fucked up shit that happened to me in front of everyone because I was ordered to do so. There's nothing brave about that." You explained, not finding anything great in what you had done in that courtroom. Levi hummed, argumentative towards your plain response.
"I disagree, but if that's how you feel, so be it." Levi added. You chuckled, amused by his words.
"Well, aren't you just full of opinions." You joked, still finding it easy to smile with him. Though you were in severe mental turmoil, Levi somehow alleviated some of it.
"I'm serious, Y/N." Levi spoke sternly. You clicked your tongue nervously.
"I know you are. It's okay, really. I'll manage. It's all over now, right?" You mentioned, not believing in a single word you had said. Levi averted his eyes, hearing the disbelief in your tone.
"I guess." Levi replied, wanting to argue, but holding himself back.
"Didn't you get through saying you just wanted to accompany me? This doesn't feel like that's what you're doing." You glared at him a little before he immediately attempted to reassure you.
"I know, I know, I apologize. It's just that I can't understand how you can be so calm about all of this." Levi answered honestly. You looked at him with acknowledgment.
"I'm not calm about any of it." You averted your eyes.
"Could've fooled me." Levi added briefly.
"I'm calm on the outside because I have to be. Everything went numb in that courtroom. I couldn't stop shaking." You admitted to Levi. He looked at you, worried. He sat next to you at the edge of your bed, ready to console you at a moment's notice.
"Don't you dare pity me, Levi." You warned, angrily. Just the thought of it made your blood boil.
"I'm not. That's the last thing I'd do. I'm only here to comfort you if you need it." Levi explained quickly, not wanting you to get the wrong idea of what he was attempting to do.
"That's the same thing. I don't need it." You lied. Levi could easily sense it. His comfort was something you wanted to see, but you knew that would only result in more pain.
"Don't you?" Levi asked, getting closer to you so he could listen further.
"I don't know, I never needed it before." You mentioned, not really understanding how it would truly feel to be consoled after all the years you had spent in the organization.
"More like you never had anyone to comfort you." Levi explained for you, hitting a nerve inside of you. You felt a bit angry, but didn't have the energy to really show it.
"Okay, and? I'm stronger than you may give me credit for." You spoke softly while gritting your teeth.
"I don't need to give you credit because I already know how strong you are. I know you can take care of yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with all this shit on your own. None of us are made of steel, Y/N." Levi bluntly mentioned. You shivered and fought with yourself to hold back tears that desperately wanted to escape. You looked away from Levi for a moment. He placed his right hand over your left in a comforting manner. His touch was warm.
"Levi, I-" You were cut off.