𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜. - 𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚢 𝚜𝚊𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚐

how did you find me?

The silence is inevitable. Neither of us wants to start "the talk", but at least, he is the one trying to make eye contact. My eyes decide to give attention to a maroon vase on the table next to me, avoiding Andy. But the silence is not comforting, like some writers say in their books. Our silence seem painful, with a lot of secrets and regrets in it. Our silence is agonizing and desperate to be killed. But neither of us wants to pull the trigger. But I suddenly do.

"I so sorry." I say, still looking for the maroon vase.

"Do you want to say anything besides that?"

"I'm not sure what to say."

"Neither am I, but we need to start somehow."

I felt that. The way he's trying to make me say the reason I let him go, the reason I canceled our plans, the way I treated him oddly the last weeks we had back in Berkeley. He's looking for answers. But I cannot give them. Not now.

"I knew you would conquer New York." I said, with a little tone of pain.

"I know that you would too." He seems hopeful.

"I guess we'll never know."

Silence.

"How did you find me?"

Let me see, I thought about you for years now, I've been dreaming about you kissing me and driving our car. He has been waiting for an answer since he left Berkeley without me. But I can't just say everything, thinking we won't get hurt We've done stupid shit and never apologized to each other. He just doesn't know it yet.

"I encountered Jorma some days ago, he said I should see you. But we can say that wasn't a good idea." I gaze at the ice bag Andy holds on his hips for some seconds but keeping my head low.

"I'm glad you came to see me."

I look at him. He looks back at me and the silence come back. I study your face: his eyes still look for an answer, his eyebrows relaxed... but his mouth looks anxious. He might be studying me too. Looking for the answers.

Jorma and Andy are longtime friends. They created a sort of comedy group in California back in the day. They were always together, fooling around. It was always fun and games with them. Andy would always talk about his dreams when we were together. In a way, I wanted to be in his dreams. Anywhere. Jorma, Andy and Akiva decided to go to New York and Andy asked me if I wanted to join him. Of course I wanted, but things happened. And he never knew why.

"I hope it's everything okay with you."

"I'm fine," he gives me a little smile "mentally."

I look at him, half-closing my eyes and we laugh. Oh, I missed this laugh so much because it reminds me of home and how easy things were between us, so light and young. Now we have our careers, social circles, events, issues.

"I believe I should go now."

"I believe you shouldn't." That came out if the blue to me. "We should talk more, I haven't seen in years."

"Someday." I get up, holding my purse and heading to the door. He gets up, suffering a bit.

"We should have lunch tomorrow." He suggests, but something says that he's begging me.

"Of course: tomorrow, same place, same time." I leave.