Fuckbuddies

Like Me As A Friend

"So you're into guys now?", she asked while wiping her face with a piece of paper towel.
I immediately regretted lying to her. Lauren is not only my best friend, she's the only person I can talk to about my sexuality and about the deepest conflicts I have with myself. I didn't want to ruin that, but something in me wanted her to fight for my attention.
"I'm into him", I answered.
She took another sip from her hot cocoa and stayed silent for a few seconds.
"Does it bother you?", I asked blatantly, like I never do.
"Are you happy?", she responded with a question, like she always does when she tries to avoid something.
"I don't know, I think I am", I propped my chin in the palm of my left hand.
"Then I'm happy for you too", she cracked a soft smile.
We both smiled at each other awkwardly. Then Lauren broke the silence: "As long as you're not playing with his feelings, everything's fine", she said bitterly.
I opened my eyes wildly as I detected the tone of envy in her voice.
"I'm not.. Why are you saying this?", I smirked with my eyebrows tensed.
I stared at her reaction. She seemed uncomfortable, she didn't know how to explain what just came out of her mouth.
"Just making sure you're not doing things you'll regret later", she took a sip from her drink with a little eye roll which she hoped I wouldn't notice.
"So it does bother you", I kept smirking and staring at her, while she wasn't even able to look at me.
"Why should it bother me? I'm just worried about you Camila, that's all", she finally made eye contact with me.
"You literally have no reason to worry, you're acting weird for no reason", my tone got sharper.
"I'm always worried about you", she raised her voice.
"Lauren, you're not my fucking mother", I said bitterly.
"What is wrong with you? Why are you like that?", she seemed hurt by me.
"Cause you're frustrating me, I can't deal with your fucking mess anym-", I couldn't even finish my sentence because I noticed Lauren starting to cry right in front of me. She buried her face in her hands and her whole body was quivering.
"Lauren! What is going on?!", I tried to reach her hand but she was covering her face with it. She continued crying, so I quickly wrapped my hands around her and pulled her in for a tight hug.
"I'm here. Shhh. It's ok", I whispered and attached her head to my chest.
It took her 10 minutes to calm down. Usually it takes her more than an hour. But Lauren hasn't had an anxiety attack for so long, that I already forgot how to act when it happens.
She stopped crying, and wiped away the tears from her cheeks.
"That hasn't happened in a while", she sniffled while still wiping her tears away with her hands.
I didn't know what to say, so I stayed silent.
"You don't have to stay, I'm good now", she said and looked at me.
"I didn't mean what I said earlier", I looked at her back, "I'm just not in a good place right now, Lauren".
"It's ok. Just leave me alone, please. I need to think", she looked away.
I stayed silent for a few seconds. 'How the wheels have turned', My mind whispered, '10 minutes ago I was mad at her. Now she's telling me to leave. Good job Camila'.
"Ok", I mumbled.
I got up from my chair, came close to her and laid a soft peck on her head. I ran my hand through her hair as I looked at her for the last time before heading out.
As I got into my car, I suddenly remembered that I told Austin I'll talk to him.
I sat in my car and dialed his number.
"Hello?", he picked up.
"Hi, it's me", I answered.
He stayed silent, as if he was waiting for me to say something. Well, technically I was the one to call him, so.. Anyway, I decided to break the silence.
"We need to talk. Can I come over?", I asked.
"I'm not in the mood for this, Camila", he responded.
I totally understood him. I was never honest with him, and no one should go through that.
"I have to talk to you. I promise to be completely honest", I begged him to let me come over.
"Fine, I'm waiting. Don't let me down", he said and hung up.

I drove as fast as I could to Austin's house. As soon as I got there, I got out of the car and nocked on his door. He opened the door for me, and I leaned in to give him a peck on the cheek.
"Hi", he pulled away so I wouldn't kiss him.
It was very awkward for me, but I understood him. I entered the house and we sat in his living room.
"So?", he broke the silence first, and looked at me with a cold stare.
"Austin, don't be short with me", I looked at him, "I'm trying to apologize".
His anger slowly dissipated as he gave up on his sarcastic attitude.
"Ok", he said and leaned back in his couch.
"Ever since we started dating, I've been struggling with what I feel towards you", I looked down, "And it's not because of you-"
"Please don't use that cliche, you're better than that", he cut me off.
"No, it's not like that. I truly mean that it's not because of you, cause I've been having some deep conflicts with myself, even before I met you", I glanced at him.
"What do you mean?", he asked in confusion.
"I always knew that I'm not perfect, ever since I was a little girl. I just didn't want to accept how fucked up I am", I said and made him even more confused.
"I'm not.. I'm not following", he stared at me, trying to read between my messy lines.
"I've been questioning my sexuality for the past 6 years or something like that.. And I already accepted that I'm not straight", I looked at him.
He stayed silent. So I continued.
"I went on so many dates with men and met so many different guys, but no one ever made me feel something", I tried to look straight into his eyes but he was staring at the floor.
"When I met you, I felt something. I don't know what it means, cause I've never felt that way with a guy before. But it's different, and I love it when you're next to me", I said.
He raised his head, and our eyes met.
"You're talking about me as if I'm your friend", he responded.
"I.. I don't know if that's what it means-"
"It means you like me as a friend", he cut me off again, "And I'm ok with that, but you have to admit it. You can't keep lying to me, or to yourself", he said and left me speechless.
I didn't say anything for a few moments, because I didn't know how to respond to what he said.
"Have you ever loved someone? But like, actually been in love with them? With every part of your body?", he asked me.
It took me a few seconds to respond.
"Yes", I answered.
"And how do they make you feel?", he continued.
"Like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world", I said and couldn't stop myself from smiling.
"Well, that's one thing they got right", he smiled too, "And who is that special person?"
You'd think I hesitated before answering. But to my surprise, the answer was already sitting on the tip of my tongue.
"My best friend. Her name is Lauren", I couldn't believe what came out of my mouth at that moment.
"Do you love her?", he asked me.
"Like I've never loved anyone else", I answered.
"And how much do you love her?", he continued.
"I don't know, my heart explodes every time I'm around her", I said excitedly, "It's like every song on the radio is written about her"
He started giggling.
"What?", I joined him and couldn't stop myself from laughing too, "I'm pathetic, aren't I?", I asked while smiling like an idiot.
"Does she know?", he asked me.
"This is gonna sound super cliche.. but no, she doesn't know.. Cause it's kinda complicated between us", I responded.
"You should tell her", he said.
"You really think?", I hesitated.
"Yeah. And on a serious note, I really want you to be happy", he reached for my hand.
I laid a soft kiss on his hand, and pulled him in for a tight hug.
"I love you", I glanced at him.
"Woah, relax. We haven't got there yet", he giggled.
I laughed and hugged him for the last time before heading to Lauren's house.