Fuckbuddies

Not At My Best

"Who's that?", Lauren asked while trying to look at my phone screen.
She noticed it was Austin.
"Are you not going to answer?", she looked at me.
"I'll call him later. I'll take you home now", I got up and searched for my car keys.
Lauren was confused, and a little hurt by my reaction. She didn't understand why I wanted her to leave, but she didn't say anything either.
We both got into my car and I drove off to her house.
The ride was awkward for the two of us, cause we both stayed silent. She snuck a quick look at me while I was concentrated at the road, and then quickly looked away.
We arrived at her house. We both sat in the car awkwardly without saying a word, like each of us was waiting for the other to say something.
Lauren suddenly turned her head to look at me.
"Thank you for taking care of me, Camz", she spoke.
I looked over at her, and my lips curved into a soft smile.
"Of course", I stared deeply into her eyes, "You're my best friend. I'll always be there for you"
She cupped my face with her right hand and leaned in to give me a peck on the cheek.
"Bye", she cracked a smile and got out of the car.
My heart shattered inside. I watched her entering her house, and once she closed the door I burst into tears. I buried my head in my hands and pressed it to the steering wheel.
I've never loved someone like I love Lauren.
And I've never hated loving someone like I hate loving her. She makes me feel like I have everything I ever needed, but at the same, not having her makes me feel like I have nothing at all.

I calmed down and wiped the tears away with my hands. I searched for my phone, and called Austin back.
"Hey", he picked up.
"Hi, what's up?", I sniffled.
"Are you crying?", he asked worryingly.
"I'm not at my best", I replied, and looked at my crying self in the rear-view mirror.
"Do you want to come over?", he asked.
After everything I've done to him, he was still acting like the sweet guy I met at that restaurant the other day, on our first date.
"I'll be there in 15 minutes", I answered, and started the car.

I got to Austin's house, and nocked on the door. He opened to find me standing there, looking like a mess. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a warm hug.
We entered the house and sat next to each other at the living room.
"So, what happened yesterday?", he was referring to what I promised to do after I left his house yesterday.
"I went to her house to tell her what I was feeling, but she was so fucking drunk, and she was acting like an asshole", I looked at him.
"So you didn't tell her?", he was confused.
"No", I looked down, "She hurt me so much that I left and went home. And then she was assaulted and everything became even more complicated.."
"Wh.. She was assaulted?", he asked shockingly.
"Yes, by an uber driver", I glanced at him.
"What the fuck, Camila? Did you guys report this asshole?", he asked angrily.
"No, she didn't really want to talk about this", I replied.
We both stayed silent for a few moments. I stared at the floor, not knowing what to do with my emotions. Then Austin broke the silence: "So, what now?"
"I don't know", I kept staring at the floor.
"You still love her, right?", he glanced at me.
I was silent for a few moments, and then answered him: "Yes. That's why I cried this morning. I just know she doesn't feel the same", I glanced at him back.
"Why do you think that?", he asked.
"I just..I don't feel like she could ever love me as much as I love her", I said and found myself drowning in self-pity and hopelessness.
We stayed silent again. We both just didn't know what to say, cause this situation was too heavy to handle.
"Do you have a guitar here?", I asked him.
"Yeah, wait a sec", he got up and went to his room, to search for his guitar.
He came back with a beautiful wooden Taylor.
"Here you go", he handed me the beautiful guitar, "What are you going to play for me?"
"This is a song I wrote yesterday", my eyes shifted from him to the guitar as I started playing.
"Dirty tissues, trust issues, glasses on the sink they didn't fix you;
Lonely pillows in a stranger's bed, little voices in my head...
Secret keeping, stop the bleeding, lost a little weight because I wasn't eating;
All the souls that I can listen to, to tell the truth....
Loving you was young, and wild, and free;
Loving you was cool, and hot and sweet;
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound.. A steady place to let down my defenses....
But loving you had consequences"

I finished singing, and raised my head to look at him. He was smiling softly with a single tear rolling down his right cheek. My lips curved into a smile and I couldn't stop myself from blushing, cause of his reaction.
"What do you think?", I asked shyly.
He wiped away the single tear with his finger, and rested his chin on his knuckles.
"You're too talented for this world", he spoke, "And Lauren has to hear th-"
"Not a chance", I cut him off, "She's never gonna hear this song", I put the guitar away.
"Why not?", he asked.
"Cause she would feel sorry for me", I stared into his hazel eyes.
Before he could even respond, my phone started ringing. I looked at the screen, and noticed it was Lauren.
"She's calling me", I told Austin.
"Answer her!", he said excitedly.
I hesitated for a second, and then decided to answer her call.
"Hello?", I picked up.
"Hey. Can we talk?", she said from the other side.
"Umm, right now?", I looked at Austin awkwardly.
"Yeah, but not on the phone though. Can you come over?", she asked.
I put the phone away for a second, so she wouldn't hear: "She wants me to come over", I whispered to Austin.
"Then tell her you're coming right now!", he whispered back.
"I'm on my way", I answered her.
"Good. Tell me when you're here, bye", she said and hung up.
"What the fuck Austin?", I giggled.
"Take this", he grabbed the guitar and handed it to me, "You're going to show her the song, good luck", he added.
"No way, Austin", I looked at him.
"Yes way, she has to hear this", he sat down.
"I'm not going to do that, it's too embarrassing", I shook my head.
"Camila, she's gonna love it. Just trust me", he smiled.
My lips curved into a smile.
"You're an idiot", I said while grabbing the guitar and heading to the door.
"You'll thank me later", he said while my back was facing him, and I was two steps away from existing the house.
I turned around to face him for the last time before heading out: "Bye", I smiled and got out of the house.
I didn't know exactly what I was doing, but I hoped for the best. And besides, I was really interested to know what Lauren wanted to talk to me about.