One year. 365 days. 365 days since your perfect boyfriend invited you to a perfect restaurant and with exquisite tenderness broke your heart and ended your perfect relationship by telling you his job was more important than you were. Of course th...
You mulled what to wear all the way back to work. It was easier to cross off things you could not wear.
Everything in your closet had some attachment to Jin. You considered your options. Nope, you could not wear your brown boots. No! high heels were out. Starched white shirt and jeans? Noooo!
So, the only solution was to go shopping. You went back to the small shop by your office. You picked a couple of options, but settled on a dress for tomorrow night. The dress was a simple cream fit and flare with pale lavender and blue flowers scattered on the skirt. A fitted denim jacket was perfect for the weather. A pair of blue wedges finished the look. It was innocent, simple, and casual, everything you feared this date was not.
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Jin sat in your drive at exactly 5:55 and fought a wave of emotions as he looked at your door. He tried to remember the last time he stood there. He could not call it to mind.
All he could think of were the nights kissing in the door, chasing you inside or walking in for you to meet him with open arms. Every single time he went in that door he left his burdens outside.
Tonight it seemed they all remained here to taunt him with what he had lost. Shaking off the dark thoughts, he approached the door and knocked.
You had seen Jin pull up and wait a bit before coming to the door. You wondered what he was doing. When he knocked you gathered your things and hurried out.
Opening the door to him was so strange. It was hard to see him standing there and not invite him in or throw yourself in his arms.
Then, a bit late, you thought if he picked you up he would bring you home. He would walk you to the door and ..... You were not ready for this. This was a very bad idea.
Jin was feeling some of those same emotions and he could see the second guesses flickering across your face. He stepped up quickly.
" Hello! You look beautiful. Are you ready?" he took your hand and led you to the car before you could change your mind.
Jin calmed your nerves by asking about your work. You discussed your latest project and the ones you hoped to land . You began to relax. JIn always had been your best sounding board. You loved how he listened to you. Talk drifted to other topics and you began to feel a familiar ease.
You noticed you were leaving the city and were curious as to what Jin had planned. Soon you arrived at a small dive bar. He looked at you for approval. It looked perfectly awful and that was perfect.
There were few cars there when you arrived. As you entered, the old man behind the bar yelled at Jin and came to hug him. Jin introduced you and he decided he should hug you too. Jin's smile was full of affection as you were swept into a bear hug and looked over the man's shoulder at him.
The old man ushered you deeper into the bar and gave you his best table. He returned a few minutes later with three drinks. Handing you each one and taking one for himself, he sat down at the table and began to tell you stories of the area. He soon had both of you laughing until tears were streaming.
After one last toast, he stood saying " You are tired of me. I will bring more drinks and steak. Anything you need, call me'
Once he was gone, you looked at each other. You were so glad to find that you and Jin were truly at ease with each other. You talked and laughed. The food came quickly and it was excellent. You shared the meal and drink and remembered everything that was good about being together. This was a very bad idea.
After the meal and a second drink, Jin grew serious and took your hand. He just held it for several minutes. Finally he began to speak.
" I can never tell you how sorry I am. I don't know what to say or how to explain the past year to you. Please tell me what you are thinking."
You decided to start at the beginning. " Tell me about your work. I have seen the news, but tell me what it was like for you."
You sat holding his hand as Jin told you about the last year. He shared all the awards, the places he had been, the number of people who had seen them, even the security scares. He shared what made him the most proud and what frustrated him the most. His eyes were bright and full of passion. You had seen that look on his face and you knew he was lost in the moment.
You listened until he ran out of words and just sat absorbing what he said. The with a deep breath he looked you deep in the eyes and told you
"When I left that night I was sick. Part of me hated myself for what I had done to you. The other part vowed to make every hour , every sacrifice worth what I had done to you, to us. Looking back, I am not sure it was worth it"
Seeing your frown, he continued. " Every record we set, every award we won I would celebrate with the team and then immediately go to call you. Every damn time. I never remembered you were no longer mine to call until I already had my phone out. Long late nights in lonely hotels, all I wanted was to call you, hear you, hold you. I accomplished every goal I had and it was empty because I did not have you to share it with. I made a huge mistake. I can't ask you to forgive me, because I know I can never forgive myself"
You sat in silence for long moments.
Finally you said "Jin, you cannot say that. I was, and am, devastated by what happened. But if you had not left and you had failed to reach your goals you would have blamed me and that would have destroyed us forever"
Jin shook his head, but he knew the truth of your words.
"So" he paused "where do we go from here?" He asked, uncertainty and anxiety warring with a shred of hope. O
"I don't know" you answered honestly. 'I am afraid. What happens when the next long range set of goals come along? What happens when you have the next big opportunity. I know you would have to make the same choice. And you know I would not ask you to give up your dreams. But I cant do this again. I would rather walk out of here now and struggle for another year, or two or three than to love you again and lose you. I am not that strong anymore."
He dropped his head and shook it that he understood. Looking at his bent head, tears filled your eyes and the thought flickered through your mind that for the first time since you met him you had just told him a lie. That was closely followed by the realization you were lying to yourself.
