Reborn

Chapter 12

Going back to work kept me sane, during working hours at least. Every afternoon, Darius would phone me as soon as he got home from school to tell me all about his day. That was the highlight of my day. That child loved talking. He could go on and on and on. But I enjoyed it. I loved listening to what he did with his friends and what they learnt in school. It was sort of an escape for me.

Work and home fell into a routine and started getting a bit boring. I became an expert at hiding my feelings and the only thing I had to look forward to everyday was getting dressed for work. It felt like playing dress up. That was one thing I knew I was really good at. I dressed really well. Not expensive, mind you. I could take anything and make it loo like a million bucks. After I was done, with my make up and hair, I would look in the mirror and see someone else looking back at me. And I loved shoes. Not expensive shoes, cause we couldn't afford that but some rally pretty shoes.

I could throw any old thing together and with the right shoes and accessories, I looked like I belonged on the front page of a magazine. Well, maybe not the front page, but somewhere along the line. And I had a good figure too. I had that coke bottle figure that all the magazines raved about. So, it was easy to hide behind a mask. If I looked good, everything else fell into place. I was a smiler too. I loved smiling, or maybe I just smiled all the time without realising. The only time someone would know that something was wrong is if I stopped smiling, right.

I think I started going the extra mile here. I always took pride in how I looked and carried myself but for some strange reason, I seemed to go the extra mile this time. Maybe cause I thought I had a lot more to hide and I didn't want any flaws. If I looked pretty on the outside, I felt happy on the inside.

Work became my happy place. A place where I could pretend that everything was alright. The way it should be. I enjoyed my job. Enjoyed spending time with everyone I worked wih. Work became like a fantasy playground. Another dimension. An escape from real life. But the minute the clock struck four and I had half an hour left, something changed inside me. My palms would start to sweat. I would start to get anxious, I would get butterflies in my tummy.

It didn't happen when Sean was working. Only when he had a day off from work. When these days occurred, I would phone home at 4 just to hear his voice. Just to know if he was drunk or sober. I always knew, even though when I asked him, he would deny it. I could hear by his voice, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. If he had been drinking, it would give me some time before I got home to calm down and decide how I was going to approach the situation. By the time I got home, I would be calm. I would still be anxious but I would resign myself to staying quiet. I would always tell myself not to lose it this time. I don't want to upset him. We all know what happens when I upset him.

What I couldn't understand about Sean and his drinking was that he could never be quiet about it. He gets more weekdays off than weekends, so all this drinking takes place on weekdays. Days where darius and I have to go to work and school the next day.

So, I would get home and pretend that everything is normal. Sean and I would have our ten minutes in the bathroom talking about our day, In the beginning it was weird, Everytime I needed to use the toilet, he had to leave the room. But eventually, I was comfortable with him sitting and having a smoke with me while I used the toilet. And vice versa. We would smoke and talk about our day while the other person used the toilet. That was kind of weird but it seemed natural to us.

We would talk about our day like everything is normal and I would pretend that I wasn't seething on the inside. When we were done, I would have a shower and go in search of Darius. Now, one of the things that always brightened up my day was darius waiting for me as I entered the courtyard. He was always standing at the door with this huge grin on his face. As I walked through the door, I would be engulfed in the tightest bear hug around. And that hug was all I needed sometimes. It just takes everything away and makes everything feel worthwhile. Like I had a purpose you know. Like I was important to some one.