Reborn

Chapter 17

You may never understand it. Most people wouldn't. Not unless you had this yearning inside of you. Not unless you had a gaping hole where your heart used to be. Not unless, you would do anything just to get a little bit of love. I only felt that love from one person my whole life, my brother. And now that we have no contact, its tearing me up inside. How does a person go through life not being loved? You see other families, you see other people, you watch movies and your longing gets more and more intense.

Most often than not, you look at yourself and wonder if something is wrong with you. And the the theories starting forming in your head. I'm too dark, too fat, not intelligent enough.Most of my theories came true in high school. I suffered at the hands of bullies, that broke me. I was called beast cause I was ugly, I was called midnight cause I was too dark. I was made fun of constantly cause I was chubby. The surprising thing is, I wasn't a loner or an outcast in school. I had a lot of friends mostly because of my personality but that didn't help with the torment I faced on a daily basis. My parents did their duty as parents. They clothed us, fed and were responsible parents'. But they weren't there for us like how parents' are nowadays. Not once did they stop and ask me how I was. I didn't feel like I could go to them and explain how I felt or what I was going through.

Instead I suffered through that anguish by myself. Going through that pain by myself was difficult and my parents fighting didn't help. There were a few times when I lost all self control and tried to end things. I saw the inside of a hospital more than I should have as a teenager. It was mostly a cry for help, But no one heard me crying. I just wanted someone to see me. They looked at me but no one saw me. I went through my whole life feeling unworthy, feeling like I didn't belong. Feeling like the black sheep where ever I went. It felt like my heart was being ripped out over and over again. I had a permanent empty feeling in my gut. I wanted a sense of belonging more than anything else.

I craved for something to call my own. Somebody to see me, the real me and love that person. I searched and searched but I never found that person, until I met darius. Here was this little human who came my way for a reason. I finally found my person. Found the person who saw the real me and the real me was good enough for him. I finally belonged. I finally felt like I was worth something, finally felt like I was somebody. I found my calling and how glorious it was. Being a mother was the most rewarding job. Having someone looking forward to seeing me as I got home from work. Having someone responding to my hugs and kisses with zest. Having someone suffocating me as they held me. I never thought seeing someones smile could lift me up that way. I never knew such peace watching someone sleep. I never knew listening to someones voice could be like the sound of music. Our relationship grew and there was nothing that I wouldn't do for him.

He gave me that purpose to face every day. I owed so much to him. This little child saved me from myself. I didn't want to die any more. I wanted to live, how I wanted to live. Now, I understand why women say that they stay because of their kids. No matter how much pain your spouse inflicts on you, when you look into your children's eyes, it makes it feel like its worth it. I would have taken anything Sean threw at me and I did. My situation was different, I couldn't walk away and take darius with me. I didn't have that right.

But we had a plan, Darius and I. We would wait till he came of age. I wanted to adopt him and make him my own but his birth mother wasn't going to give that up. That was the only hold she on him and she wasn't going to let go. When darius went to high school, I told him that I was going to see his name in lights. And he asked me what I meant, I told him that I didn't know. All I knew was that one day he was going to make me so proud. I felt it, it was so strong. This feeling that this child was destined for great things. Now, I know what you are thinking. That how every parent feels. But with Darius, it was different. At the age of 12, his IQ was 149. But that wasn't the only thing that was special about him. He told me that he was going to take me away from there. He saw me struggling, saw how hard things were financially. This child lived for the day when he was successful enough to take me away from it all.