Reborn

Chapter 25

It's been a year and a half since I've been on my own and so much has happened. There's only a few days left till we close for the December holidays. My brother started his dream job over a year ago after being at home for a whole year, he's now a classified workaholic but he wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just happy that he's happy.

My parents are still living in a bubble, expecting us to be the responsible ones. And expect to be treated like children. I hardly visit, not because I don't love them but because I'm tired of listening to their complaints and tired of being made to feel so small even though I'm an adult. Through hard work and perseverance, I now have everything. My home is full and I couldn't be happier.

I lost about 30 kg's and looked 10 years younger. If only Sean can see me now. It wasn't an easy road, the last two years have probably been the most difficult years of my life. Even more difficult than the abuse. Deciding to take that first step to walk away from the person you think you love is the hardest decision you will ever make. People will tell you to leave him, they think its easy, its not. Plucking up the courage to walk away is the most heartbreaking thing you will ever do. And if like me, you are married to someone who will not stop until he destroys you its even worse. The pain and emotional turmoil you endure every single day is unbearable. It gets easier with time but it's a long and difficult road to slaying those dragons inside your head. Almost 3 years later and the emotional scars are still there, sometimes I wonder if they will ever leave. Sometimes I'm glad that they haven't, my scars are there to remind me. Remind me of the person I once was, remind me how strong I was to survive what I did. Remind me how much more I had to put up with afterwards. It reminds me everyday that I am a warrior, that even though I am the prodigal black sheep, I rose above it all to become the best version of me.

I am reminded everyday that I had to go through what I did in order to look in the mirror and be proud of the woman looking back at me. I sit sometimes and think, think and wonder how I would have turned out had I not gone through all that. Would I have come this far, would I have known struggle and pain?

At that time, I felt like everything and everyone was against me. There were days when I sat in front of my lamp and cried so hard, the only question on my lips was why? I blamed God, because he couldn't give me a reason. I lived my life as a good human being so why did I have to go through this? I found part of the answer years later, in a book I read called why do bad things happen to good people. When you question why something bad is happening to you when you don't deserve it, its like saying that all the bad things that happen to other people are because they are bad people and they deserve it. Truth is, no one deserves bad things to happen to them but these things do. It's not your fault no matter what you think. It's not some past life aggression that you are paying for.

I must admit, I questioned God enough times. Just as many times as I questioned my sanity, but I wouldn't be me if those bad things didn't happen. I wouldn't value life the way I do. These days, the small things make me happy. I don't need expensive presents or to go to fancy restaurants though sometimes its nice and I do spoil myself but now I spend time doing really important things. Making happy memories.

Somewhere over the rainbow there is peace and I know that if Sean and I didn't have that fight, If his mother didn't make that fight about her, we would still be together. I would be at work today, terrified that in 4 days time I would be on holiday and anxious because I knew what would happen. When I think about it now, I didn't like her one bit. I constantly felt that she treated me like crap and she did. I constantly felt that she wanted her son for herself and she did but its because of her that I am where I am today. It's because of her that my marriage ended. If it wasn't for her, I would have been stuck with Sean for god knows how long. I'm eternally grateful to her and Sean. She gave me that boot I needed for a better life, and he made me who I am today. Don't get me wrong, I still get scared sometimes, unsure of what my future holds. I still go through everyday hoping and praying that I will survive this and that I can remain strong. I feel as though I have so much to offer but if only I got one chance, one chance to prove myself, I can conquer it all. I don't remember Sean anymore, I can hardly remember the beatings and even though the emotional abuse is still there, lingering in my mind, it comes back in dribs and drabs now.

I still think about Darius all the time, almost every single day. Sometimes I forget how old he is now, I still remember him as a 16 year old. The age he was when he left me. He'll be 20 this year, 4th year in university. My, how time flies. I don't think I'll ever forget, I pray for him every day, that where ever he is, he is safe. And while I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again, I just hope that he is happy. That where ever he is, he is living his best life possible. I hope he remembers though, remembers all the memories that we've shared. Remembers all the thing and life lessons that I have taught him. I may go through the rest of my life not knowing what it will feel like to have a child but at least Darius filled that space in my heart and that's where he will always be, for the rest of my life.

It hasn't been an easy road, I've made a lot of friends along the way and lost a lot of them too. I've learnt that there are a lot of people out there who will use you and only be there for you because you are beneficial to them. People will come into your life for a season and eventually they will leave but hold on to the few special ones. The ones who held your hand when you needed them the most. The ones who sat with you for hours having a glass of water because you couldn't offer them anything else. The ones who stayed through it all. The ones who never judged you but encouraged you to be you, no matter how silly your idea was.

The ones who danced with you in the rain, the ones who laughed with you and cried with you too. The ones who appreciated every part of you. I'm blessed, I have 4 such souls in my life. My brother, who's always been my voice of reason. My elder cousin who's been like a sister to me all my life and who also became one of my closest friends. My friend who I travel to work with, I may know her for a short while but she understands me and allows me to be me. And last but not least, My mama. The woman who held my hand when I was at my lowest and 3 years later, she's still holding it.

I've learnt so much in the last 3 years. I've shed so many tears, had a few meltdowns but picked myself up and still forged forward. There were so many times I just wanted to give up, but I had my circle and they didn't let me. I cried tears of joy, tears of anger, tears of frustration and tears of sadness. But no matter how tough things got I knew I had to do this. I had a lot of people to prove wrong and I had myself to make proud. I needed to know what I was capable of and how far I could go. Today, I feel like I can conquer the world.

I'm not saying that I'm happy every single second of every single day. What I am saying is you will still have bad days like every other normal person, and good days too. You might go months without shedding a tear and then you would have a few days where you wont be able to stop crying. But all that is normal.

You will be thankful that you walked out because you will have your sanity and peace of mind back. And there won't be anyone else who will hold your happiness in their hands.

I started writing this book as a form of therapy, but as it went on and on I realised that my experience can help someone else out there going through the same thing. Even if my story saves one person, it would have all been worth it.

"Religion is for people who fear hell; spirituality is for people who have been there".

David Bowie