Reborn

Chapter 23

2016 was a painful year for me. I guess the first year always is. I was so alone. I went from having an abundance of friends to not a single one. Most of them listened to Sean and sided with him, cutting me off. It hurts like you wont believe but I guess I have to get used to this. The strangest part was that I used to travel with my brother to work and there were two other ladies who travelled with us. We never really became friends maybe because they were much older than me. But after I got separated, one of the ladies Sharon started chatting to me. Its so strange how you feel that you are the only one going through something but there are so many woman who are going through the same thing. Sharon was married with two kids, stuck in an unhappy marriage and now she felt like she had someone she could talk to. After one conversation, I found my lifeline and the only friend I would ever need. We became inseparable instantly and she became my rock. That February, I was dealt with another blow. My brother was relocating to Johannesburgh. He was following his girlfriend there, the one everyone didn't like but that's his story to tell.

I felt like I was losing part of my life line. But he felt this was a good move for him and who were we to stop him. I already started feeling the loneliness, he was my rock since the separation. My brother was all packed and ready to go, I already missed him but started making plans immediately to visit him for his birthday. Valentines day rolled by and the memories came flooding back. I spent the whole day in bed, bawling my eyes out. I kept having flashbacks of every single valentines day spent with Sean. I was that person who always went all out, making it as romantic as possible. We never went out for valentines day but spent it at home, celebrating the day as a family. All three of us bought gifts for each other and I always cooked a special supper. I cried and wondered if Sean was thinking too. I wondered what he was doing and if his girlfriend was making it special like I used to.

I wondered which girlfriend he was with now, last I heard he was already on number two. I wondered if Darius remembered. Every year Darius's school would sell what I called knickknacks for Valentines day. Just random valentines day stuff, like mini vases, musical cards and mugs. I received something every year from Darius. Who was he buying for this year? Did he start that tradition with his mother? Or did he stop? I had so many questions that were going to be unanswered.

Every special occasion was sending me into a turmoil. It was difficult as it was. The place that I lived in just didn't feel like home. I didn't cook, couldn't bring myself to clean and stopped eating. The eating part was mostly because I couldn't afford food. Yes, I had a full time job but after paying rent and accounts, I hardly had anything left. I was still paying off some loans that I had taken for Sean. I couldn't let myself go into arrears cause I hated debt so much so a choice was made.

So yes, for the first six months I couldn't even afford food and there was nothing I could do about it. I basically just existed. And because I just existed, I just kept thinking all the time. Memories were driving me insane.

I eventually stumbled upon something to ease my mind. One Friday night I decided to get a Uber and go the club in the area. For the first time I felt at peace. I would just go, buy a bottle of water and sit outside, listening to the music alone with my thoughts. It became a weekly excursion for me. Every Friday and Saturday night I would go there and labelled it the local watering hole. I would just listen to the music the whole night and just watch everyone. There were rare instances where I would go on the dance floor, close my eyes and just dance. This started becoming therapeautic for me. It helped me heal much faster than anything else. Now, I knew what they meant when they said that music heals. Cause that's exactly what it did.

I became friends with all the staff, simply because I was a loner and I was there every weekend. I sat by myself the whole night and didn't give any guys the time of day. I was there for one reason and one reason alone, to heal my broken heart.

That April my parents went up to visit my brother for the Easter weekend. When they came back, my mother had to be rushed to a doctor because apparently she hurt her toe a few months back and didn't say anything. Now, my mother is a diabetic and everyone knows that if you are a diabetic, you need to take everything seriously. So, her brother took her to the doctor that Saturday morning. I got a call about 9 that they had to rush her to the hospital. I got ready and met them there. Being a government hospital, we were only seen to that night. After a few doctors saw to my mother, They notified us that they would have to amputate her leg. That night was the second time I drank. I went home, phoned my brothers girlfriend so that she could break the news to him and then just drank and cried.

They amputated her leg just above the ankle but after a few days realised that the infection was spreading so they had to now operate again and amputate above the knee. My mother was in hospital for about two months. I felt like I was being dealt with one blow after the other. That May I went up to visit my brother for his birthday, I had to. Darius's birthday is on the 21st, Sean's is on the 22nd and My brothers is on the 23rd. I honestly don't think I would have been able to survive that weekend on my own.

After the birthday weekend, my parents told me to move in with them. I moved in at the end of June that year. After a few months I realised that I made a mistake. It was mostly to do with that fact that I had my own ways and standards of doing things. I couldn't handle living with them, they did things so differently. Also, my mother just wanted, wanted, wanted. It seemed like nothing I did was good enough for them. I bought all the groceries and meat and saw to their toiletries but it still wasn't enough. My mother felt that since I was paying x amount in rent, I should now be spending that exact same amount at home.

I thought I would be able to build myself up by moving in with them but I was wrong. They didn't allow me to. As time went on, I hated being there. I hated weekends and couldn't wait for weekdays. I felt so alone. I would wake up early on a Saturday and clean the whole house and by Sunday it would be back to square one.

At least I had my weekends at the local watering hole to look forward to. I was 33 but I still used this place to escape my home life.