Reborn

Chapter 22

2015 had to be the most difficult year I faced in my marriage. I was like a ping pong ball, alternating between Darius's room and my room. Going to my room mostly to keep the peace and whenever Sean's mother came to stay. It was a tough year for darius, everything that he's ever worked for depended solely on this year. I tried my best to make it easy for him but living with an alcoholic didn't make anything easy. We even sat down, Darius and I and spoke to Sean one day when he was sober. We told him that we didn't have a problem with his drinking ( anything to keep the peace) but if he could please refrain from drinking whenever Darius was writing exams.

He promised that he would but we both knew that was a lie. He's never kept to his word before but a part of me wanted to believe that maybe for once he would put his son first. This was his future we were talking about. Darius turned out so well, you would never know that he lived with someone like Sean. That he went through emotional turmoil on a daily basis.

That year Darius got his first A and he was crushed. Sean decided to go apeshit while Darius was writing exams and he went especially ape shit the night before an important paper. Darius was livid and who could blame him. This was a child who was doing 10 subjects in school which meant three of those subjects were extras and he still managed to get A pluses in every one of them but because of his selfish father, he got an A.

For a few months now Darius kept telling me that he thinks theres something wrong with him. He kept telling me that he needs to go for an evaluation. Every day I came home and it was something different. I kept brushing him off and telling him that he was a hypochondriac. Okay, I understood that maybe his father's behaviour was messing him up but he had me. I thought I was enough to take the pain away. I thought I was protecting him. I thought that as long as he had me , he would be okay. That was probably the first time I failed as a parent. I ignored my child's cries for help.

I regret not paying attention to him, I regret brushing off his feelings and emotions. Eventually, when we did send him to a therapist she insisted we admit him in hospital. Sean took him to admit him so that he could get the help he needed. I was at work that day and looked forward to going home and visiting that evening. I went shopping on my lunch break and bought him all his favourites.

That evening I got home and Sean was waiting for me with the most devastating news ever. Darius didn't want to see me. He blamed me for brushing him off every time he cried for help. On the outside, Darius looked fine so I thought it was just another way to try and get my attention. But then again, I looked fine on the outside too but inside I was a mangled mess. My heart broke, I didn't know what to do. Its always been me and Darius against the world and now he didn't want me.

After everything that we've been through, he chose his father. I honestly didn't know how I felt about that. I sent the stuff with his father that evening, stayed at home and cried my heart out. What am I supposed to do when my reason for breathing doesn't want anything to do with me anymore? I felt like dying a million deaths. That evening when Sean got home, he told me that Darius said that he loves me and misses me but he feels that he will heal faster if he doesn't see me during his stay.

Only a mother will know how I felt, but I had to respect his wishes and stay away. Sean visited him everyday like the perfect father. That period taught me how easy it was to lose something that never belonged to me in the first place. Darius stayed in hospital for a month and not seeing him everyday killed me. Not seeing his smiling face, not getting 20 hugs every single day killed me. Not hearing his voice go on and on killed me. It was at that point that I yearned for all the things that he did that annoyed me before.

How does a woman continue living life when her child doesn't want her anymore? I messed up, I never took him seriously. It felt like someone was ripping my soul to shreds.