Reborn

Chapter 19

I went for my second op on that Friday. As I lay in the waiting room, drifting off, my surgeon and my doctor stood on either side of me, holding my hand. I don't remember anything else, the last thing I heard my surgeon say was that I was going to be alright, he was going to take care of me.

I woke up groggy, but I was able to lift my head. I felt didn't feel any pain at all. I actually began to wonder if they had actually performed the second op. And then realised that they did when I felt a pipe attached to my throat. The nurse came and wheeled me up to the ward and I must say, I actually felt a lot better. I was just hungry, I haven't eaten for two full days.

Once in the ward, I had a nap, just to feel stronger again. I washed and changed. Then I noticed one of the ladies was having trouble so I went up to her and asked her what was wrong. Now, bear in mind that I had a pipe sticking out of my throat that was collecting excess blood in a small pouch tucked into my pj pants. So yeah, I looked a real sight. But, here I was, full of energy and ready to get back into the world again. The other lady, I can't recall her name now , had an op in her stomach and she was unable to do anything. I helped her get dressed and we chatted for a bit. It was only now that I started to get to know the other ladies in my ward. It was actually nice chatting to them and pushing my troubles to the back of my mind. It was different. I actually started smiling again.

It was a nice day, I showered and relaxed. Got to know the other ladies a bit. As time drew closer for visiting hours, the anxiousness started. I wanted visitors but I honestly didn't want Sean there. I knew exactly what to expect. Visiting hours came and went but every minute seemed like forever, I kept expecting Sean to walk through that door plastered. I didn't even realise that I was holding my breath until I breathed a sigh of relief after the time had passed.

Is it so terrible to feel that way about your own spouse? You know you love them but you also dislike them and you are scared cause you never know what to expect. It's like living in a never ending horror movie, You are stuck in this dark place. You can't see, so you just stay rooted to one spot. And out of the blue, random things just fly at you but its so silent that you never hear it coming. It catches you when you least expect it. Its like dealing with a loose cannon. One minute, its calm and serene and then without warning it just explodes. I felt like I was losing my mind, like I was going insane.

My eyes sparkled and I laughed as we ate supper that night but yet again,as time drew closer for visiting hours I tensed up. At one point I thought that maybe I'm just over reacting. Maybe I should just give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he will change. Maybe I'm just being horrible. Maybe he's drinking cause he's upset that he may lose me. Maybe he's trying to drown his sorrows and pain. I mean, I don't know what he's feeling.

Visiting hours rolled by and wouldn't you know it, he comes late. And I could see how drunk he was a mile away. I just looked at Darius, not saying a word. We both knew how the other was feeling. I was feeling so many different emotions at that point in time. He bent down to kiss me and hug me and all I wanted was for him to go away. Other visitors came to see me and he started talking to them. Darius kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed with me, holding me tight. This made up for everything else. I kept glancing at Sean, hoping he wouldn't cause a scene. Praying that no one would notice how drunk he was but I knew that was wishful thinking. His face was swollen, his skin was pudgy, his eyes were red and popping out of its sockets. Its like he didn't even make an attempt to shower or just wash his face. He didn't even try to look presentable. I think he did brush his teeth and he was chewing gum but he couldn't hide it.

I kept looking at him and wondering if he even knew what love was. If he actually loved me. The cancer was actually the last thing that I was thinking off. My mind was so full of what was going on in my personal life that I didn't have time to actually register what I was going through. It was good in a way I guess. This way, I was so focused on Sean and his shit, that I didn't actually cry or feel sorry for myself. I was just filled with anger. So much of anger.