The dorm (gerard way x reader)

13

hi tw for eating disorders and disordered behavior described this chapter

fellas i got myself a job interview lets go

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After Awsten had left, I had decided I should take a shower and work on some guitar riffs or film a video to keep myself busy as I didn't have much homework aside from the music thing and practicing the steps for the new contemporary dance choreography we were working on in class

I finally settled on filming a video but I wasn't very sure what to do so I sent out a tweet asking people for their questions so I could do something fun and fresh and simple, a Q&A.

I waited a couple hours to get responses and in the meantime, I worked on some photography projects for my secret account that I occasionally posted some scenic photography on. No one knew I had it and it was one of my healthier coping mechanisms and it was something I enjoyed doing in my free time.

I decided to post a picture I took a while ago while I was at home. I took it on a road trip while the sun was staring to set and the sky looked beautiful. The glow of the sunshine filtering through the leaves of the trees on the highway looked serene and relaxing but the colors were a little dull and the image was a bit crooked.

I opened photoshop and color corrected some of the aspects of the photo I wasn't completely satisfied with, I cropped out the part of the car door and tried my hardest to get rid of the glare that reflected on the car window.

Once I was done with editing the picture, I logged into my Tumblr on my laptop and posted the picture. Within a couple of minutes of the post being up, I began receiving some nice comments and compliments on the picture.

I kept reading through the comments and saw all the support my photo, it made me all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that people still value my work for what it is and not just because I'm relatively popular on social media. I was smiling and probably blushing at my phone when a voice broke me out of my thoughts.

"What you looking at?" Gerard asked me as he plopped down on my bed next to me.

"Posting on Tumblr, actually."

"Ooh, memes?" He smiled and poked my cheek.

I swatted his hand "Nope, and not telling you either." I replied simply, not exactly wanting to disclose what I was doing.

"Why not?" He begged with puppy dog eyes and a pout on his face.

"It's my pretty little secret, I like keeping it a secret." I shrugged and kept scrolling through my feed, I kept liking aesthetic posts and memes, not really caring Gerard was peering over my shoulder.

As I kept scrolling, I saw some tags that I don't remember following that were pretty concerning as they were eating disorder related and health and fitness related posts, advice on how to loose weight faster and generally some strange posts about starving yourself. "(Y/n), what is this?" He took my phone from my hand and held it out of my reach so he could take a better look at what was on the screen.

"Give me that! You weren't supposed to see that, I didn't even remember following those tags! Just give me my phone!" I demanded. He still wouldn't budge so I did what I did with Awsten, I jumped on him and tackled him to the ground in attempts to retrieve my phone.

"(Y/n), get the fuck off me! I just want to see!" He yelled harshly while I ripped the phone out of his hand with enough strength that I finally got it back in my own grip.

"You weren't supposed to see that! Fuck!" I grit through my teeth and collapsed on the floor in exhaustion from the horrible memories that had resurfaced as the posts filled my feed.

Waves upon waves of disheartening thoughts began to wash back up on shore, I remembered the days where I wouldn't eat anything, weeks where I'd survive with a singular small snack and a can of monster every day. I remembered the days where the number on the scale mattered more than anything else and being able to wrap my hand around my wrist became my favorite hobby. 

"(Y/n)? What was all of that about? Please, let's just talk about it." Gerard sounded tired and sympathetic when he talked to me and I decided that I could trust him enough to actually open up to him and tell him what had happened.

I sighed and he gently sat down next to me, wrapping his arms around me in a comforting manner. I basically melted into his touch, leaning into his chest and smiling softly at the comfort he was providing.

"Can you explain to me why you follow those tags?" He asked softly after a minute of silence. I shook my head, I wanted to trust him but I didn't know how much I could really trust him. "Please tell me, I just want to help you." He sighed and started running his hands through my hair softly.

"Fine, you have to promise not to freak out." He nodded and I sat up slightly but still leaning against him, "I developed an eating disorder during middle school and while I was looking for diets and workouts back then I began to find an eating disorder community on social media, specifically Tumblr." I sighed and sniffled at the memory, remembering the feeling of kneeling on the bathroom floor while puking my guts out after almost every meal.

"But, why-" he interrupted but I shushed him and kept going.

"I basically survived on rice cakes and diet sodas for around 4 years but I got to a dangerously low weight and ended up being hospitalized and then I was sent into one of the eating disorders treatment facilities. By sophomore year of high school I was pretty much fully recovered but then I relapsed for a while and by junior year I was mostly okay. I was at an average weight and my health was back to normal. Now, I'm almost fully recovered and I haven't relapsed for a year or so." I finished my story with some small tears coming out of my eyes.

The memories kept flooding back into me, the constant scrutinizing of my own appearance, missing out on opportunities and fun events because I was counting calories and throwing up in the bathroom at parties. I was walking around during recess in middle school instead of enjoying myself because I was trying to burn calories. The fucking feeding tube in my nose.

That was the worst memory because I remember being at a dangerously low weight I was at and the fact that I couldn't keep solid foods down. I was so weak I couldn't open water bottles and could barely cut my food on my own. Hell, even just standing had become exhausting for me because I had virtually no nutrients in my body giving me energy to sustain myself.

I could tell Gerard was shocked by the information I had revealed to him, he stayed silent for a few seconds before saying, "Oh wow. I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad that you're in a better place now." He hugged me tighter and gently ran his fingers through my hair again. "I'm so proud of you for being able to get out of that place, I'm so so proud of you."

"Thank you, that means a lot." We sat on the bathroom floor for a few minutes until I spoke up again, "I'll unfollow the tags if it makes you feel better," I said.

"Please." I got my phone out and opened Tumblr and unfollowed all the tags and accounts. "Thank you."

"No, Gerard, thank you," I said softly.

"Why?" He was still hugging me and now he was softly swaying us from side to side in a manner that mimicked a mother rocking her baby back and forth to soothe it while in a crying fit.

"You're putting up with me and all the shit I'm going through and nobody I've met has ever done that for me, no one but Brian and that makes you a very special part of my life, that's why I'm thanking you."

I saw a light blush coat his pale cheeks and I decided to press a kiss to his already reddened cheeks which only made the blush redder. "It's no problem," he said with a small smile on his face.

I pulled away from the hug and pulled both of us up from the floor and walked out of the bathroom. We walked over to our room and sat down with Gerard on his bed. He hugged me again and dragged me to sit  on top of him, leaning my back against his chest. He played with my hair and gave me sweet praises in my ear telling me he's proud of me for overcoming my disorder.

We stayed cuddling until we slowly fell asleep entangled in each other's arms.