Young Life

Heartfelt Conversation

I slowly open my eyes and remember where I am. At the hospital. Then I remember why. Jack was attacked. I feel the urge to get outside as memories from the last time I was here flood my mind like a tsunami. I notice some weight on my lap and see MatPat fast asleep. I gently pick him up and stand up, setting him back down on the seat. I grab one of the blankets stacked at the end of Jack's bed and cover my boyfriend with it.

Sometimes, I still can't believe that I can call him that. My boyfriend. It's been a while since I've been able to call someone that.

I walk out of Jack's room and out of the hospital. I just, need time to think.

It's your fault. You're the reason he's in the hospital.

You're weak. Pathetic. Why can't you be stronger?

You could've prevented this.

Why didn't you-

"Nate?" I turn around and see Thomas with his arms wrapped around him, clearly shivering. He's wearing a t-shirt and shorts.

"Thomas, why don't you go back inside. You're clearly cold."

"I could say the same to you, except I can't tell if you're cold or not." I look down, then look back up and turn away. I'm wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. It's about forty degrees and I'm not shivering. Granted, it was almost 70 degrees earlier, but my sweatshirt is wrapped around my waist at this moment.

"One of my parent's punishments would be to have me stand outside in my underwear on the coldest nights of the year, which were usually around 30-40 degrees."

"Oh, I'm sorry." I look back up at him.

"It's fine. You didn't know." It's silent between us for a couple minutes.

"Why are you out here?"

"I had to let my thoughts roam before they affected my mood if that makes sense."

"Yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're not thinking the best things and you don't want anyone else to notice." I nod my head, then I cock my head and look at him as I realize that's exactly what I meant. Seeing my expression, he chuckles.

"You're confused, I bet. I know what you mean because, for the longest time, I went through the same thing." He leads me over to a bench sitting in front of the building and we both sit down.

"What do you mean?"

"When I was 9 or 10, I was diagnosed with light depression. It's a lot better now, but for a long while I used to beat myself up on the inside but would smile my head off on the outside. I can tell if someone else is doing the same thing."

It's silent again for a bit.

"What were you thinking about?"

"How it's my fault that Jack's here. That he was injured."

Thomas' actions surprise me. If I were to tell anyone this, they would tell me that it wasn't my fault. That I had no control over the situation.

But Thomas, he just simply asks me:

"Why do you think that?"

"If I had been able to fight off Christian, then Mark wouldn't have had to fight him, therefore, he wouldn't have made him mad, leading him to attack Jack. If I had just been strong, none of this would've happened."

"I see. Do you know what would've happened if you did fight back?" I lean forward and rest my head in my hands. Seeing as I'm staying silent, Thomas continues.

"If you had fought back, you would've been injured. Then, Christian most likely would've come at you again and you'd be in the hospital with Mat doing what you're doing now, thinking 'why didn't I do more?'"

By this point, tears are streaming down my face, thinking about Mat being sad over me.

He shouldn't be sad over you. He should be glad if something were to happen to you.

You don't deserve his tears.

You don't deserve-

"You're probably thinking that you don't deserve MatPat." I look up at him with wide eyes. He just taps his head. "I told you, I can tell what you're thinking. Anyway, I know that Mat cares. You do deserve him. You're good for each other. You balance each other."

Silence once more.

"Nate? Thomas?" The two of us look over at the hospital entrance. Mat is standing there with the blanket I laid on him earlier wrapped around his shoulders.

"What are you two doing out here?"

"We're just talking."

"Well, I hope you're finished because Jack's awake.