Still Holding On (Jenlisa)

Chapter 23

Jennie's POV

I felt numb.

She ripped my heart out and left a huge gaping hole. I couldn't shake the mental image of her laying on the ground with a hole blown through her head. Every time I blinked, every time I took a breath, it's all I could see. It devastated me to think that if I hadn't stopped her when I did, she wouldn't have been anymore. She was falling apart in seams and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

I could see her sitting on the porch, talking to Jin. For whatever reason, that gave me a sinking feeling. She wasn't in the best frame of mind right now. There was no telling what was talking to him about. Instead of worrying about what I had no control over, I tried to calm my nerves.

I was still holding onto the bullet that she had handed me outside. It was pressed firmly into my palm. I didn't want to look at it. I walked upstairs and placed it in the dresser door. I locked it away in the dark like an undesirable memory that I didn't want to talk about.

When I went back downstairs, I noticed that Jin was no longer sitting with Lisa on the porch. I looked around for him and found him sitting in the den, staring at the wall with an empty expression on his face.

"Everything okay?" I asked him carefully.

"Jennie, Lisa just told me everything and I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it" He said gruffly.

I swallowed. "What did she say?" I asked.

"She was going to kill herself. You stopped her. She also told me that she had kissed you a while back and told you that she had fallen in love with you" He said slowly. "Why didn't you tell me any of this?"

"She said what?" I asked, my voice higher than usual. "What else did she tell you?"

"Just that it was her fault and that you didn't feel the same towards her at all" He told me. "She said that it had been tearing her up and she wanted to come clean with me"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Is that what she said?" I scoffed.

"Yes. Why didn't you tell me this before?" He asked again.

"Because..." I was speechless. "Because I didn't know how. I didn't want to put her in an awkward position and I didn't want you to be mad I guess?"

I honestly had no idea what else to say. She told him a very weird version of the truth and I wasn't ready to tell more lies to keep it that way. She had done it on purpose.

"I'm not mad Jen. I just had no idea" He sighed. "She wanted to kill herself for fucks sake. That's not okay"

"I'm sorry Jin" I whispered as the guilt set in. "She.. She is very hard to deal with some times. I didn't know what to tell you" It hurt me how efficiently I lied to him now.

"I've got to talk to mom" He said as he got up and walked away.

As soon as he left, I went to find Lisa. She had no right to put me in that position. I was furious. Half truths and half lies had become the benchmark of our relationship and it needed to stop. I stormed around the house and searched for her. By the time I found her in her room, I was livid.

"Lisa!" I snapped. "What the fuck?"

"Whoa, whoa, woah" She responded. "Power down and use complete sentences" She said as she continued placing things into a large duffel bag. She didn't even bother looking at me.

"Why? Why did you say that shit to Jin?"

"Because I wanted to. He deserves to know the truth, even if it's not full" She responded, still not looking at me.