Falling for the Goalie and Other Dangerous Sports

Chapter 30 - Maddy

"Are you going to say something?

I kept kicking the flat soccer ball against the wall in a relentless rhythm. Thump, thump, thump. Square on his stupid face. THUMP.

I can't believe this had happened to me. I get stuck with Derek and he actually wants to work things out, like he could ever take back any of the things he said or did. No, I wasn't doing it. I would not. I will not talk to him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could spot him. Slumped, lifeless, and terribly dazed. It looked like he hadn't slept in days, hair a mess and face as complacent as could be, but the wires were definitely still working. Yet I've never seen him more lifeless than he is now. I should say something. No, don't. Yes, do-

"I regret nothing more than that moment with Scarlett, you know."

I dug my fingernails into my palm and kept kicking.

"I thought she was back for a minute, I thought she had finally turned back around. But she hadn't changed. To clarify, I was unbearably exhausted and she had come onto me. Wait, I'm sorry, that sounds like an excuse...I don't want to make excuses, I wanted you, I thought it was just...god I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I've done this to you."

Now, he had some type of emotion running through him. Regret. Nothing but pure regret, and I had to continually blink back tears. "I never meant to hurt you, in a million years. I rarely slept after that. And I never, never stopped caring about you, even in a fight or especially then. I'm sorry Maddy. I'm so sorry."

I had kept my rhythm, but felt like collapsing. I can't do this anymore. And I realized it pained me to see him so dead inside. How can I forgive him though? How can we fix things? It seemed as if the dam had been destroyed and I was finally feeling every emotion I had contained for the past 3 weeks - anger, sadness, regret, pity, hopefulness - in all of its twisted glory.

"Maddy, please..."

Keep kicking, keep kicking...

"Please."

Keep kicking, keep kicking...

"Please Maddy! Talk to me!"

Keep kicking, it'll be over soon. He'll leave me alone, even though he's screaming desperately in my ear. He'll go. Keep fucking kicking, don't you dare let up.

He stopped my ball. In my peripheral vision I saw him wind up and throw it as hard as he could at the opposite wall; it left a deafening smack. "SAY SOMETHING! SAY SOMETHING, SAY ANYTHING, I DON'T FUCKING CARE!"

I froze up. I wanted to turn and face him, tell him what I was really thinking, but stood still. "I was in love with you!" I thought. "I was in love and you tore me to bits!"

Derek's voice cut through my thoughts again, in a much reduced volume. "I constantly beat myself up for everything I've ever done to you, and I just want to work things out so we can stop ruining each other's lives."

I wish I had had the courage to turn and face him. I really wish I did. I couldn't, because as soon as I would look at him I knew I'd break down. I'd do something stupid, and I would be uncontrollable in that moment.

He sat at the picnic table, looking defeated. I guess I should've known it was inevitably coming at some point, the uncontrollable part. Long story short, I cried. A lot. And violently.

I had to crouch and cover my face as hot tears and disgusting snot went everywhere. "Dammit Maddy! Stop it, stop it, stop, get a fucking hold of yourself!" I thought. There was no way to stop though. My throat felt like it was being clawed and scraped, my body shivering like I was in ice, but I couldn't stop. And Derek has done this to me.