Caught in a Lie ~ h.s.

♕ XXII ♕

... not my best chapter, but i do hope you enjoy...

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I don't leave my bedroom for two days, refusing to face the world that continues to revolve around me.

I've never felt so broken in my entire life and I don't have the strength to be that Stoic Queen that everyone portrays me as, so I shut myself away from watchful eyes and curious ears. My heart feels like it's shattered in my chest, the pieces jabbing at vital organs simply for fun, and my once functioning brain feels like complete mush, jumbled so messily that even a professional could never sort it out. I no longer feel right; I feel off, more off than I've ever in the past.

I ordered everyone to give me space, even Niall, and anyone who disobeyed would be fired on the spot, regardless of their importance in this home, or rather palace. The palace has never felt like home, hasn't for a long while.

Charlotte and Niall are worried about me, more than they ever have been before. They're more worried than they were when I fell off my riding horse at twenty and knocked myself out cold; more worried when a pap got a little too handsy at a charity ball two years ago; even more worried than the moments following my father's unfortunate death.

They keep exchanging glances, thinking I don't see, but those looks are the furthest from subtle. Charlotte has done a lot for me in the sense that she's handling my duties on my behalf on top of her already hectic schedule. Her main project of planning my quickly approaching coronation ball has been put on the backburner so that she can meet with the people I'm supposed to meet and please the people I'm supposed to please whilst I'm indisposed. Niall, on the other hand, has barely left my side, regardless of my orders to keep away. He tries and tries to talk to me, like the good friend that he is, but I want nothing to do with anyone, including him.

The first time he tried to talk to me I yelled, I screamed, I shouted at him but that was the extent of it; I didn't have the heart to fire him. At the end of the day, it was just Niall and I sitting on opposites sides of my room for hours on end. The conversations that were had were one sided, meaning I stayed silent and Niall rambled on. And when Niall finally had to go, I was left alone.

I used to not mind it much, the solidarity. In the past I'd beg for time on my own, I flourished on my own, but now... now I feel so empty and vulnerable the the idea of being alone is frightening.

With everything going on I feel as if I've changed as a person, bit by bit; for better or worse, you decide. Change is necessary for growing, but there are days when I miss what I used to deem to be "normal". Being left on my own was something that was always very comforting for my mental health and well-being, and whilst it should be what I need now I simply cannot stand the thought of solidarity; perhaps it's why I've thrown myself so deeply into my duties as queen. As much as I despise having to put up a front for everyone, it's better than being left on my own to suffer.

Being on my own now means the tears fall freely without anyone seeing and my sobbing goes without notice. And when my thoughts get especially hard to deal with, I break things, like the mirror above my vanity, because coping internally is a lot harder than everyone plays it out to be. My inner thoughts are constantly screaming at me so loudly I think everyone in the palace can hear them. They urge me to succumb to the horrid thoughts, ideas, and trickeries, they tempt me to do awful things like I have my own personal devil.

When I exhaust myself from all the self-loathing, I reluctantly fall victim to slumber. My mind doesn't ease during my dreamstate though, the horrors only being amplified through vivid nightmares that run rampant. The taunt me and slowly drag me underneath the surface of my sanity. Every moment that I'm awake, I spend putting down myself, but I'd much rather that than allow my brain to torment me from the inside out. My mind mocks me, it finding enjoyment as I suffer. I've always heard true heartbreak is soul crushing, but I never thought it would feel like this.