Positive.
It is positive.
"I'd say it's been about 2-3 weeks since I started noticing symptoms."
I'm pretty much her personal doctor, I was asking her straightforward questions just incase. Incase what?
I don't really know, boredom overtook me.
"Mothers parents?"
"Anna and Lee Perkins."
"Fathers parents?"
"Vera and John Matthews."
We started laughing, she knew I was bored by those questions.
"I'm so happy for you Em. I know how much you've wanted this."
She had a smile on her face, one that looked like it would never leave.
"Henry promise me you'll keep track of it, I don't want to go through the whole heartbreak like last time."
"je promets."
She hugged me, such a tight hug. She's not an affectionate person but I knew that she was so overwhelmed with happiness.
Pushing it onto me.
I feel like a proud dad.
It's a weird dynamic between us.
Compared to her I feel like an old man.
One question remained,
"Do you think you'll tell Paul?"
The loss of Bill really affected Paul, he's not been the same,
"I think good news would be great for him Em!"
"I'm not sure if it's too early right now."
"Well from what I know, there's not been an issues up till now, you did say that last time you could feel something about 4 weeks in, and it's been 4 weeks."
"You're right, when should I do it?"
As if god had heard us, Paul walked into the lab, followed by an excited Ted. He was carrying a cup of black coffee for Em and I.
"Now."
"Now what?" Ted bounced up to me, sliding across the table so incredibly smoothly.
"You're lucky you didn't knock my work off Teddy!"
I then looked at Em, and smiled.
Come on Em! It'll be ok.
"Paul I have something to tell you..."
"Something I should be concerned about?"
He grabbed her hands and I saw her chest raise and slowly sink.
"I think."
She stopped, oh come on Em, just say it.
Ted picked up the piece of paper that was near his hand and his eyes widened, he shoved it in my face and I had to cover his mouth to prevent him speaking his thoughts again.
"I think I'm pregnant."
She looked scared, but he swept her up in his arms and spun her around.
In this time, any good news felt like godsend.
"That's so great Em, how long have you known?"
"A month or so I thought I was, but we just found out today."
His look towards her was the kindest, most loving I've ever seen him look, "We're going to be a family. A proper family."
She looked so glad, so did he. I'm so glad that they are going to be happier together
If there wasn't a chance we could die tomorrow, we really would be so incredibly ecstatic.
"Ahh Paulipoo! Bun in the oven then!" I heard Ted say as they both began to leave.
They went to get drink, not alcoholic though as Paul couldn't risk anything.
"Thank god Bill used to be so persistant about Shirley Temples!" Em joked, I laughed but felt a little sad.
I never really spent time with him, Ted and Bill would get in really heated arguments. And when Ted stalked off in a mood, I'd follow him to help calm him down.
"Emma I have an issue."
"Oh shit what? Is it Ted? What's he done?"
"It is Ted. But not his fault."
I began to tell her.
I pictured so clearly what happened.
The black box, the running water, everyone who was there.
"You didn't even know about Char in that moment." She was shocked.
I felt so many emotions all at once, it made me numb.
"And I heard Ted. He told me he loved me."
"I know, I heard him say it. I didn't realise you could hear him." She moved her messy brown hair out of her face. It kept falling in front of her eyes.
That made me laugh a bit, happiness was right in this moment, the overpowering emotion.
I finally told someone.
I told her about the guilt.
The peace.
The numbness.
The regret.
"Emma. Today Ted asked me what was on my mind. And I told him a lie. I lied to him. I wanted to tell him I heard what he said. I wanted to tell him I love him. But instead I said I heard him say he needed space."
God.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.
"Oh Henry," she is so small and yet she held me (a giant in comparison) as though I was a toddler, "Saying I love you is the scariest thing. It feels like such a commitment. Me and Paul only say it as much as we do because we never know when we won't be able to ever again."
That's it. The fear.
I might never get another chance to tell him.
I wasted it.
For gods sake Henry. You messed up again.
"How did you do it the first time?"
"Well Henry, we always knew we loved each other. Neither of us felt as though we had to say it. And one day, we both said it out loud."
"Emma. Why am I like this?"
"Like what Henry?"
"I fuck with peoples heads. I mess around everyone. And then I get upset over a problem I started."
Ted may be an asshole to everyone else, but he doesn't need someone like me.
Emma grabbed my face so I couldn't avoid her.
"Look, everything that happened with you and Dylan. You can't help the feelings for Ted. Remember, you didn't end it."
"We had been doing so good until Ted had come back into my life, I messed it up."
"Hens, you and Dylan tired each other out. Always trying to keep the other happy. And that wasn't good for either of you."
"But we agreed to just be friends, but I didn't even message him to meet up or talk or just see if he's ok. I didn't try. I fucked with his head and then, left him."
We went back to her holding my head as it rested on her chest.
I really do feel like a child.
"Dylan had been planning to break up with you before Ted was back. He felt like you two never really knew each other. It was rushed. And once he saw how you were with Ted he realised that really, you were never over Ted."
"Really?"
"Dylan was smart. I think people don't realise that."
"Why did he tell you?"
"He actually told Char! Bill, Char, and him used to always go on runs, well walks really. And she told me because I know you the best."
It's weird to think that I exist in conversations where I'm not directly there.
I never have really thought about it before.
This talk with Emma definitely helped me feel better.
She'll be a great mom.
