I would get changed but there isn't a point.
No one else is here.
No one else can see me.
I slide in, and I feel my clothes soak up the warm water.
It's weird, usually I would hate it.
But right now I don't care.
Numbness is odd.
I've always found that what happens is that I feel so many emotions at once, that it equates to numbness.
Years ago I never fully appreciated him.
I loved him, and he loved me.
And I feel as though I took him for granted.
All he did for me, and what did I do?
Broke his heart and then let him die.
For gods sake Henry, get a grip.
Those small little things he did for me.
He noticed everything, and subtly made things easier for me.
Like the time he noticed wires at my desk were tangled, and while I was out he rearranged it and put these little clips to prevent it happening again.
Such a small little thing, but it made life just a little easier. And what did I ever do for him?
I nagged him constantly.
He deserved better than me.
Sure, he was an asshole to most.
But after everything that happened in his life, he really was so much more empathetic and caring than he should've been.
God.
I always put myself first.
Chad always used to say I was selfish, I guess it's only just clicked how selfish I really am.
These thoughts cloud my head, so I let the water pull me under.
The sirens call.
Isn't it beautiful?
Hearing the ringing seems to attract me to the water.
Letting water run over my face, pulling it down.
To the security underneath.
I have to force myself out of the water, feeling the water run off my hair.
Into the water.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
His eyes.
When they went black with anger if someone offended a friend such as Paul, or me.
When they turned a smooth chocolate brown when he was happy.
Cloudy when tired, sparkling when excited.
I would kill to see them again.
To stare into them.
I just want to redo everything with him again.
Feel that thrill of first love.
All over again.
I never will.
It is the only warmth I feel anymore.
And it's the only place I feel calm.
I didn't ever think someone could affect me so much once they're gone.
Grief has never felt like this before.
Underneath, it's as if I'm back in the room.
I want to see him.
I need to see him.
To feel his fingers pressed into my skin, or running through my hair, or tracing my shoulders.
To hear his voice once more, rough in the morning, soft by the end of the day.
To watch him dance so incredibly awfully, but so obviously having fun, until I give in and join him.
I would do anything for it.
I would do anything to say goodbye to him.
I would do anything to say I love you.
One more time.
How am I to face tomorrow?
With out him. Another day alone. Another day being reminded of him anytime anything happens.
After being screwed out of today.
After feeling so much worse the more time progresses.
Tell me what's in store.
Will I live forever wallowing in self pity?
Or will I move onto someone else, and forget about him.
That wouldn't happen.
I'll never forget about him.
I'd beg or steal or borrow.
If I could hold him, for one hour more.
Feel his heart beating.
Hear his steady breathes.
Smell that warm cinnamon scent.
Once more.
I sink back under the water.
Maybe I can see him again.
The ringing stops, and it's as though I can hear the water moving with my breaths.
My mouth slides under the water and I slightly open it.
The sensation of it flooding my mouth was weird.
I push it out with my tongue, shutting my mouth before any can fall back in.
Slowly I slip further under the water.
At peace.
I can feel the water start to force itself into me.
I don't resist it.
In fact, it's almost as if my body is keeping me under.
The ringing becomes louder.
And louder.
However, it is becoming more calming.
It no longer feels as though theres water filling my lungs.
Part of me feels as though theres someone pushing me down.
My eyes are shut.
But I feel like I can feel hands clasp around my neck.
A sharp pain in my stomach that causes me to almost lurch forward.
I can't.
The ringing seems to distract me and also constrict me. To help me feel nothing.
It's normal, a feeling I've felt before, it feels like I'm falling into a deep sleep.
My last thought is,
Finally.
Goodbye is a word.
An odd word.
Who decided we should have to say goodbye?
Conversations never end, they continue with different people, with different subjects.
Goodbye doesn't mean anything.
Goodbye is a word.
A word I can't say to Emma or Paul, or their child they will eventually have.
A word I can't say to the students who always seemed concerned about me, although they have no need to be.
A word I didn't say to the man I love.
He's not here.
Theres no blue glow either.
It's just dark.
And lonely.
"Ted?"
I know he won't be here.
I know it.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.
He's gone.
There's no one here to help me.
"Dylan?"
Isolation.
Just like before.
The ringing is still here.
Only now, there's words.
Beautiful words.
I don't think it's english.
I can't really understand it.
It isn't french either.
Which is easier for me to understand than english, first language you know.
What does it matter anymore?
I bend down and glide my fingers across the water.
It moves as from the touch, and yet my fingers remain completely dry.
My body feels wet, it's like there is water dripping from my hair.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
There isn't.
As well as the feeling of wetness, theres a heavy feeling in my chest.
I breathe out loud, it's the only other sound.
Before, whenever the ringing occurred, there was nothing else I could hear.
From behind me I heard a voice.
It sounded out of place.
"Henry?"
